The classic children's book breaks down.
By Patrick Cassels
INT. CHINATOWN BUS MS. FRIZZLE, in a fun purple dress, twirls aboard. MS. FRIZZLE Goooood morning, my lovelies! Who's ready for an adventure? REVERSE reveals the bus is filled with sad, angry Chinatown Bus PASSENGERS. One of them, GIL, shouts from the back. GIL Lady, you're 20 minutes late. MS. FRIZZLE Time flies when you're having fun! And since I'm always having fun-- BERNIE, a broken man, stands up, spilling some coffee. BERNIE Do I look like I'm in the mood for riddles, you ginger c[BLEEP]t? I gotta get to Worcester by 3 to meet my custody lawyer. MS. FRIZZLE Worcester? No, we'll be taking a little... detour! Ms. Frizzle jumps behind the wheel. MS. FRIZZLE Okay, bus, Do Your Thing! She pulls a magic lever. HORTENCE, an obese woman, kicks her way out of the bathroom. HORTENCE Shitter's backed up. The entire bus MOANS. MS. FRIZZLE Uh, your other thing. EXT. CHINATOWN BUS The anthropomorphic CHINATOWN BUS (it has blood-shot eyes and a hacking cough) sighs, stomps out its cigarette, SHRINKS to a microscopic size and flies up the butt of a DISPATCHER. INT/EXT. HUMAN BODY! MS. FRIZZLE Behold! We're INSIDE THE HUMAN BODY! A scumbag GAMBLER in an puffy silk button-down with huge pit stains stands. GAMBLER Is that near Mohegan Sun? I'm 30k in the hole and this guy here's gonna break my thumbs if I don't get some luck at the pai gow table tonight. A CHINESE BOOKIE wearing an eyepatch pulls him down. CHINESE BOOKIE (in Mandarin; subtitled) MY SEAT ITCHES LIKE 1000 THORNS. The bus travels into the bloodstream, moving between blood cells. Inside the bus, Gil looks over Ms. Frizzle's shoulder. GIL What's going on? MS. FRIZZLE The blood cells are carrying oxygen throughout the body! GIL No, what's going on with all the traffic? Are these cells retarded? (screaming) LET'S MOVE IT, YOU LAZY SACKS OF HEMOGLOBIN! KEM-AHHHNNNN! Gil wails on the horn. The bus continues to the LIVER. MS. FRIZZLE Welcome to the liver! Here, toxins are collected and broken down. (turns around) Now, who can name-- Oh dear, we're missing some passengers. Outside the bus, CHUCKIE and MORGAN, two Massholes in Red Sox hats, suck alcohol from the liver. MORGAN This shit's gonna get us wicked hamhahd for the Sahx game. (calling back to bus) Yo, Ms. F, next can we drive by the ballsack so I can make A-Rod suck it? A torrent of VOMIT shoots from Chuckie's mouth. The bus continues to the BRAIN. MS. FRIZZLE (reverent whisper) Now, we arrive at the brain. It's an incredibly delicate system of neurons and--AH SHIT! Ms. Frizzle is BUMPED by an OLD CHINESE WOMAN with way too much luggage (like 6 bags and one of those folding wheelie carts) trying to stuff a garbage bag into an overhead bin. OLD CHINESE WOMAN 'SCUSE ME PLEASE THANK YOU! The bus swerves and SLAMS into the frontal lobe. EXT. CITY STREET -- CONTINUOUS The DISPATCHER talks to a FRIEND. Suddenly his head WHIPS back, blood shoots from his nose, and he talks gibberish. FRIEND You okay? DISPATCHER (shaking it off) Yeah, it just felt like a bus just drove into my frontal lobe. Back in the body, the bus arrives at the HEART. MS. FRIZZLE At last, we come to the heart, the engine of the entire body!! GIL That's... actually interesting. You know, I guess the human body is a pretty amazing place after all. MS. FRIZZLE Then my work is done. This concludes our trip! CHUCKIE Whoa! Fuck that. It says here on the print-out that we get a lunch stop at Roy Rogers. HORTENCE He's right! Rip off! The passengers PROTEST and charge Ms. Frizzle. MS. FRIZZLE Wait, careful! Watch that lever! Hortence's ass knocks into the shrinking lever. EXT. CITY STREET DISPATCHER So I says to him: you take away our smoke breaks and I'll rent one of those giant inflatable rats so fast it'll make your head spin. The Dispatcher screams and is TORN APART as the Chinatown Bus returns to normal size from inside him. END.