The classic children's book breaks down.
By Patrick Cassels
INT. CHINATOWN BUS
MS. FRIZZLE, in a fun purple dress, twirls aboard.
Goooood morning, my lovelies! Who's
ready for an adventure?
REVERSE reveals the bus is filled with sad, angry Chinatown
Bus PASSENGERS. One of them, GIL, shouts from the back.
Lady, you're 20 minutes late.
Time flies when you're having fun!
And since I'm always having fun--
BERNIE, a broken man, stands up, spilling some coffee.
Do I look like I'm in the mood for
riddles, you ginger c[BLEEP]t? I
gotta get to Worcester by 3 to meet
my custody lawyer.
Worcester? No, we'll be taking a
Ms. Frizzle jumps behind the wheel.
Okay, bus, Do Your Thing!
She pulls a magic lever. HORTENCE, an obese woman, kicks her
way out of the bathroom.
Shitter's backed up.
The entire bus MOANS.
Uh, your other thing.
EXT. CHINATOWN BUS
The anthropomorphic CHINATOWN BUS (it has blood-shot eyes
and a hacking cough) sighs, stomps out its cigarette,
SHRINKS to a microscopic size and flies up the butt of a
INT/EXT. HUMAN BODY!
Behold! We're INSIDE THE HUMAN
A scumbag GAMBLER in an puffy silk button-down with huge pit
Is that near Mohegan Sun? I'm 30k
in the hole and this guy here's
gonna break my thumbs if I don't
get some luck at the pai gow table
A CHINESE BOOKIE wearing an eyepatch pulls him down.
(in Mandarin; subtitled)
MY SEAT ITCHES LIKE 1000 THORNS.
The bus travels into the bloodstream, moving between blood
cells. Inside the bus, Gil looks over Ms. Frizzle's
What's going on?
The blood cells are carrying oxygen
throughout the body!
No, what's going on with all the
traffic? Are these cells retarded?
LET'S MOVE IT, YOU LAZY SACKS OF
Gil wails on the horn.
The bus continues to the LIVER.
Welcome to the liver! Here, toxins
are collected and broken down.
Now, who can name-- Oh dear, we're
missing some passengers.
Outside the bus, CHUCKIE and MORGAN, two Massholes in Red
Sox hats, suck alcohol from the liver.
This shit's gonna get us wicked
hamhahd for the Sahx game.
(calling back to bus)
Yo, Ms. F, next can we drive by the
ballsack so I can make A-Rod suck
A torrent of VOMIT shoots from Chuckie's mouth.
The bus continues to the BRAIN.
Now, we arrive at the brain. It's
an incredibly delicate system of
neurons and--AH SHIT!
Ms. Frizzle is BUMPED by an OLD CHINESE WOMAN with way too
much luggage (like 6 bags and one of those folding wheelie
carts) trying to stuff a garbage bag into an overhead bin.
OLD CHINESE WOMAN
'SCUSE ME PLEASE THANK YOU!
The bus swerves and SLAMS into the frontal lobe.
EXT. CITY STREET -- CONTINUOUS
The DISPATCHER talks to a FRIEND. Suddenly his head WHIPS
back, blood shoots from his nose, and he talks gibberish.
(shaking it off)
Yeah, it just felt like a bus just
drove into my frontal lobe.
Back in the body, the bus arrives at the HEART.
At last, we come to the heart, the
engine of the entire body!!
That's... actually interesting. You
know, I guess the human body is a
pretty amazing place after all.
Then my work is done. This
concludes our trip!
Whoa! Fuck that. It says here on
the print-out that we get a lunch
stop at Roy Rogers.
He's right! Rip off!
The passengers PROTEST and charge Ms. Frizzle.
Wait, careful! Watch that lever!
Hortence's ass knocks into the shrinking lever.
EXT. CITY STREET
So I says to him: you take away our
smoke breaks and I'll rent one of
those giant inflatable rats so fast
it'll make your head spin.
The Dispatcher screams and is TORN APART as the Chinatown
Bus returns to normal size from inside him.