From CH Staff on
It's the summer event that'll have you spending 100 dollars a day to stand in a field and hear sounds.
By Kevin Corrigan
Honest Music Festival Ad by Kevin Corrigan EXT. MUSIC FESTIVAL - DAY Obnoxious rock-and-roll ANNOUNCER narrates. Think classic rock radio station commercials. MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER is big and echo-y. We open on a generic music fest shots. ANNOUNCER This weekend, the Opapotapus Music Festival is coming to Redfield, Illinois- MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER Redfield, Illinois. EXT. SMALL TOWN An ELDERLY WOMAN walks slowly down a sparse Main Street. ANNOUNCER -a town of 200 that is in no way equipped to handle an event of this magnitude. After shot of Redfield. It's a wasteland. Elderly Woman warms herself over a barrel fire. A tumbleweed blows by. MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER We're gonna leave Redfield in Shambles. EXT. HIGHWAY There is bumper to bumper traffic as far as the eye can see. People are standing outside their cars to look. ANNOUNCER Get here early because we're expecting 16-hour traffic delays in every direction. MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER Someone call a civil engineer. EXT. EVENT ENTRANCE An absurdly long line of people wait to get in. ANNOUNCER The festival kicks off with an absurdly long entrance line. A fat, mean-looking SECURITY GUARD frisks a CONCERT-GOER. ANNOUNCER Spend three hours waiting for one fat, aggressive security guard to feel you up and take your drugs. MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER You paid us to molest and rob you. EXT. FESTIVAL STAGE Generic footage of BAND 1 performing for a crowd. ANNOUNCER Then it's on to the music. We've got 200 bands performing, count em MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER 200. ANOUNCER And with our schedule and logistics, you'll be able to see 8 of them, max. MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER Only with good planning. We see FAV BAND 1 perform POV-style from the crowd. Camera turns to see FAV BAND 2 performing far away on another stage. ANNOUNCER Including your two favorite bands. They're both here. Playing at the same time, on opposite ends of the festival. Whoops. Our bad. MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER We did it on purpose. EXT. FOOD TRUCKS A line of people wait. The GUY in the front hands the FOOD TRUCK WORKER $20, he gets a hot dog in return. ANNOUNCER Hungry? We've got the worst food you'll ever spend the most money on. MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER In your entire life. Next person in line buys a bottle of water. Shift focus to a sign that reads "No re-entry. No outside food or drink." ANNOUNCER $8 for a bottle of water? That's right! MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER Because you're our prisoner. EXT. PORTAPOTTY AREA Camera flies past an endless line of porta potties. ANNOUNCER After lunch, try to hold your breath as you patronize our putrid sea of porta potties. MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER It's a shit shanty town. EXT. FESTIVAL FIELD Festival goers are sweltering in the heat. They're dripping in sweat. They look miserable. They're sunburned. ANNOUNCER Don't forget your sun screen. Opapotapus is held on the hottest weekend of the year, guaranteed. MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER That's right, guaranteed. INT. SCIENCE LAB A team of METEOROLOGISTS analyze weather data. ANNOUNCER We hired a team of meteorologists to predict the hottest weekend of the year, then we planned an outdoor music festival on it. MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER We'd hold it in an oven if we could. EXT. FESTIVAL FLOOR Concert-goers watch a band. They look as though the music is cheese-grating their eardrums. ANNOUNCER We almost forgot to mention our sound system. (beat) It's not good. MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER The outdoors have terrible acoustics. A TALL GUY stands in the crowd enjoying a band. ANNOUNCER So pick a band, find a spot in the grass- Tall Guy gets kicked in the head by crowd surfers. MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER And get ready to get kicked in the skull by crowd surfers. Camera follows GIRL CROWD SURFER. ANNOUNCER Or try it crowd surfing yourself! Girl Crowd Surfer is groped everywhere. Sorry, actress. MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER If you want to lose your shoes and get molested again. EXT. FESTIVAL ENTRANCE BROKE CONCERT GOERS try to hitchhike home below an Opapotapus sign. ANNOUNCER Opapotapus. MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUCER You paid 300 fucking dollars for this.