If it isn't on the Internet, the government can't find it.
By Dan Gurewitch & Emily Axford
INT. GREEN SCREEN ROOM - DAY
Black background. Peeps talkin' to camera like what.
The recent news that the NSA has
access to all of our personal
information on Google, Facebook,
Microsoft, Apple and more is
Any time you do something shady on
the Internet, the government knows.
Luckily, there's an easy solution:
Do your shady stuff in person.
Instead of bit-torrenting music and
movies, steal actual CDs and DVDs.
Most Best Buys have like, one tired
(as SECURITY GUARD)
If I didn't see it, it didn't
If you want to discuss fringe
antisocial political movements, get
off the message boards and into a
smokey warehouse basement.
Or just go to grad school!
Instead of posting anonymous
YouTube comments, go to a play and
speak your mind.
Instead of using someone else's
HBOGo password, just sit in your
neighbor's yard and watch Game of
Thrones through their window.
(as YARD GUY; at window)
(looking next to him)
[Gasp] A raccoon!
Instead of telling Google all your
deviant desires, just go to a video
CUTAWAY: Murph (customer) approaches Kevin (clerk).
I'm looking for "MILF scissors Goth
cheerleader, comma, total butt
Or better yet, watch people have
sex in real life.
Just ask every couple you know.
Someone's gonna let you sit in the
corner and rub your stub.
And buy other embarrassing products
in person, too!
CUTAWAY: Dan (customer) approaches Kevin (clerk).
One can of Rogaine, 12 adult
diapers and a set of tiny condoms
to use in my pocket pussy please!
When it comes to drugs, you don't
need the Silk Road! You just need a
friend named Snake Eyes who wears a
backpack and hangs out in the alley
behind Little Ceasar's.
Or just go to an outdoor concert.
Five minutes into the Ooka Tanuka
Festival you'll be offered every
drug that can be baked into a
(as HIPPIE DUDE)
This Stankydank Ganjalina's gonna
knock your boxers off.
Don't e-mail your extramarital
affair. Make plans in real life
using an elaborate code.
CUTAWAY: Emily and Murph stand side by side in business
attire, avoiding eye contact.
Is the marshmallow in the
The s'more will be ready at 12.
Still without eye contact, Murph gives Emily a butt smack.
Don't Facebook stalk people -
actually stalk them! It's fun to
dress up like a shrub.
CUTAWAY: Cartoonish pitter-patter music as Owen, dressed as
a SHRUB with BINOCULARS, scampers sideways across frame.
If you want to steal someone's
identity, just kill them and take
their clothes, like they do in spy
During this Adam shot, Emily is sneaking up on Adam with a
knife. In the next shot, Emily is wearing Adam's clothes.
And if you want to look at child
porn... go walk into a river and
stay there, YA BIG OL' CREEP.
Look, we're all shady potheads and
perverts - let's just own it out in
the real world.
BARACK OBAMA (O.S.)
President Barack Obama?
BARACK OBAMA (O.S.)
Yeah, I'm gonna need to uhh,
confiscate your pocket pussy. Just
for, uh, like an hour.
(holding up POCKET PUSSY)
Anything for this great nation,