If it isn't on the Internet, the government can't find it.
By Dan Gurewitch & Emily Axford
INT. GREEN SCREEN ROOM - DAY Black background. Peeps talkin' to camera like what. OWEN The recent news that the NSA has access to all of our personal information on Google, Facebook, Microsoft, Apple and more is chilling indeed. PATRICK Any time you do something shady on the Internet, the government knows. DAN Luckily, there's an easy solution: Do your shady stuff in person. STREETER Instead of bit-torrenting music and movies, steal actual CDs and DVDs. Most Best Buys have like, one tired security guard. JOSH (as SECURITY GUARD) If I didn't see it, it didn't happen. ADAM If you want to discuss fringe antisocial political movements, get off the message boards and into a smokey warehouse basement. EMILY Or just go to grad school! KEVIN Instead of posting anonymous YouTube comments, go to a play and speak your mind. MURPH (as THEATERGOER) Gaaaaaaaaaaay-swastika-swastika-swa stika! OWEN Instead of using someone else's HBOGo password, just sit in your neighbor's yard and watch Game of Thrones through their window. PATRICK (as YARD GUY; at window) [Gasp] Dragons! (looking next to him) [Gasp] A raccoon! STREETER Instead of telling Google all your deviant desires, just go to a video store. CUTAWAY: Murph (customer) approaches Kevin (clerk). MURPH I'm looking for "MILF scissors Goth cheerleader, comma, total butt destruction." ADAM Or better yet, watch people have sex in real life. EMILY Just ask every couple you know. Someone's gonna let you sit in the corner and rub your stub. JOSH And buy other embarrassing products in person, too! CUTAWAY: Dan (customer) approaches Kevin (clerk). DAN One can of Rogaine, 12 adult diapers and a set of tiny condoms to use in my pocket pussy please! PATRICK When it comes to drugs, you don't need the Silk Road! You just need a friend named Snake Eyes who wears a backpack and hangs out in the alley behind Little Ceasar's. DAN Or just go to an outdoor concert. Five minutes into the Ooka Tanuka Festival you'll be offered every drug that can be baked into a blondie. JOSH (as HIPPIE DUDE) This Stankydank Ganjalina's gonna knock your boxers off. OWEN Don't e-mail your extramarital affair. Make plans in real life using an elaborate code. CUTAWAY: Emily and Murph stand side by side in business attire, avoiding eye contact. MURPH Is the marshmallow in the microwave? EMILY The s'more will be ready at 12. Still without eye contact, Murph gives Emily a butt smack. Emily yelps. KEVIN Don't Facebook stalk people - actually stalk them! It's fun to dress up like a shrub. CUTAWAY: Cartoonish pitter-patter music as Owen, dressed as a SHRUB with BINOCULARS, scampers sideways across frame. ADAM If you want to steal someone's identity, just kill them and take their clothes, like they do in spy movies! During this Adam shot, Emily is sneaking up on Adam with a knife. In the next shot, Emily is wearing Adam's clothes. EMILY And if you want to look at child porn... go walk into a river and stay there, YA BIG OL' CREEP. DAN Look, we're all shady potheads and perverts - let's just own it out in the real world. BARACK OBAMA (O.S.) Uhhh, Daniel? DAN President Barack Obama? BARACK OBAMA (O.S.) Yeah, I'm gonna need to uhh, confiscate your pocket pussy. Just for, uh, like an hour. DAN (holding up POCKET PUSSY) Anything for this great nation, sir. END.