Welcome to Camp Wanaykaka, where the kids have fun and counselors hook up.
By Josh Ruben & Thomas Middleditch
INT. COUNSELOR'S CABIN The CAMP DIRECTOR speaks to his small flock of teenage COUNSELORS. CAMP DIRECTOR Now look, I know it's fun to be out here in the woods, away from your parents, and your hormones are raging and you're all finally the big kids, but you have to remember that you are counselors. Your job is to help the younger kids and to organize them and to be mentors. It's camp for them, it's a job for you guys. Ok? Any questions? Nope. The Counselors all get it. They've all been here before has kids. CAMP DIRECTOR (CONT'D) You know I myself came to Camp Wanaykaka when I was a boy. I became a counselor, I even met my wife here. A lotta good memories...of course, that's all changed now. Not everyone has the same definition of "monogamy", right?! He points to a MEEK TEENAGER who is startled. CAMP DIRECTOR (CONT'D) I'm not the one who has trouble keeping my vagina buttoned up! Not that I have a vagina. I have a penis... Some TEENS shift uncomfortably. CAMP DIRECTOR (CONT'D) It's just a regular ol' penis. Nothing crazy. Although the gal I slept with before I met my wife seemed to think it was nice. "Nice", that was her word. She kept calling it nice. Man what I'd give just for a god damned compliment every now and then. JOSH and THOMAS are listening when MILANA, beautiful, another counselor, turns around and smiles at them. They nudge each other. CAMP DIRECTOR (CONT'D) I'm not bitter that she's still living with me, or that she's brought her new black boyfriend in to live with us as well. Not that that's bad because he's black, it's just that...well, he's probably got a great penis. I bet it's a monster. Thomas and Josh point at each other like "who are you talking to?" Milana mouths the word "you", which doesn't clarify anything. She blows a kiss. She's way more...advanced. CAMP DIRECTOR (CONT'D) Don't get me wrong, at first I wanted to make her sign the divorce papers. But she made some good points. I mean, where are Aytonne and his kids gonna stay if I kick 'em out? That's just selfish of me. Besides, I've created quite the cozy little nook for myself in the basement there. You should see it! IgotalittlebedandaTV and everything...it's a little damp, but I don't mind. Milana gives a wink. The boys wink back. She sucks her finger. The boys are stunned. Milana's finger sucking turns very sexy. They don't know what to do. She stops and looks at them like "your turn". They look at each other and tentatively put their fingers in each other's mouths and awkwardly suck them. Milana loves this. CAMP DIRECTOR (CONT'D) ...And I guess my only real complaint is that I can hear the kids running around upstairs when I'm trying to sleep. That and I hate my life. Beat. All the kids are slack jawed and in shock. The Camp Director sees Thomas and Josh sucking each others fingers, running their hands through the other's hair, a leg up on the table, etc. CAMP DIRECTOR (CONT'D) (Loudly) Okaaaayyy, that's enough. Get out there and meet your campers. They all snap out of it and make their way to the door. The Camp Director stops Josh and Thomas. CAMP DIRECTOR (CONT'D) Hey. Umm... JOSH/THOMAS Yes Mr. Alden?...what's up? CAMP DIRECTOR Just... (Giving in) Live your lives. Yolo, right? Is that what you kids say? THOMAS You only live once? Yeah, some people say it, I guess. CAMP DIRECTOR Oh, that's what it means. Right. Ok, that makes sense. Yeah. JOSH/THOMAS (Confused) Ok...yeah...yolo...thanks Mr. Alden... They shuffle out. CAMP DIRECTOR (To himself) Yolo. He takes his wedding ring off and throws it away. Beat. He runs to go find it. EXT. COUNSELOR'S CABIN All the kids file out. MITCH, scrawny, barely old enough to be a counselor, stops Thomas and Josh. MITCH Josh! Thomas! Hey, wait up. JOSH Hey Mitch. MITCH I just found out that this place is built on an old Indian burial ground, and that the angry spirits of the dead prey on young souls, and that each year their power grows larger and larger. MITCH (CONT'D) Can you believe we've never known about it this whole time? Maybe it was a cover u-- JOSH Mitch! Who cares? It's camp, baby! Camp!!! THOMAS Camp, Mitch. Camp!! They walk off, leaving a very concerned Mitch. QUICK SHOTS OF THE FOLLOWING: -- swing sets. KIDS VOICES: Camp!!! -- swimming pool. KIDS VOICES: Camp!!! -- open field. KIDS VOICES: Camp!!! -- hiking trail. KIDS VOICES: Camp!!! -- bunk beds. KIDS VOICES: Camp!!! -- archery. KIDS VOICES: Camp!!! -- shot of the Indian burial ground. The kids voices are altered and warped. KIDS VOICES: Camp!!!