By Josh Ruben & Thomas Middleditch
EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - INSERT ON A SIGN: "Boys Cabin" INT. CABIN - NIGHT The camp boys - MARK, TIMMY, and TYLER (Thomas) sit in their bunk beds in silence staring up at the ceiling, their faces raked by moonlight. MARK Hey. Are you guys asleep? TYLER/TIMMY Nah. Nope, you? MARK Nope. TYLER Do you guys think you'll want to send your kids to camp when you're like, dads and junk? TIMMY No kids for me, I'm just gonna chill and travel with my hot wife. MARK (laughing, playful) Yeah right, Timmy! You wish! TYLER You'd be lucky to marry a wooden log, you big dope! Randy looks genuinely hurt but no one can tell. MARK Yeah, I'd send my kids to Camp Wanaykaka. I've had some of the best times of my life here. TYLER Some of the worst too, right? The boys laugh. Reveal HECTOR (Josh as a 10 year old Spanish kid with coke-bottle GLASSES, a lisp and a stupid BOWL CUT): HECTOR Honestly, I find, having a child is irresponsible. The economy's only getting worse. The average middle class family takes in a joint income of, what, like 81,000 dollars per year? S'not nearly ample enough to support the average family. Not my family should I ever take the plunge anyhow. Beat. MARK Geez, Hector. We're just talking. HEAR: Crickets. TIMMY God I wish I could just like, teleport to the Milana's bunk right now. MARK Whoa! Counselor crush! TIMMY Whatever dude! You wish you could too. Gonna teleport and mwah mwah (He makes smooch sounds) TYLER If I could teleport I'd go all over the world, like Jumper. Take people's money and shit. PPFT. Egypt. PFFT my dad's house. HECTOR The government would find a way to suppress and sanction the technology You guys are smart. You should know that. TYLER Yeah. Hector. We're just talking. JUMP CUTS OF HECTOR SHOOTING EVERYONE DOWN: TIMMY It'd be so cool to live on the moon. HECTOR It would be cool, it's just a matter of fielding the medical ramifications. RANDY Hector. We're just talking. Jesus. Jesus Christ. JUMP: TYLER What if humans could fly? HECTOR While that'd be "cool" it'd be a lot of red tape with the FAA. TYLER I SAID WHAT IF. JUMP: TYLER The other day I was thinking, like, what if life revolves around me? Like, The Truman Show? TIMMY/MARK Yeah! I just just thinking that! The guys laugh and enjoy the conversation energy. HECTOR From a psychological standpoint, that's true. But I don't want my life like molded after Jim Carrey's effort to "play sentimental". MARK/TIMMY/TYLER HECTOR! God! What are you even talking about! JUMP: TYLER I'm gonna ask out Delilah Rushkowski. MARK That girl is a slut dude. HECTOR Well, that's a sexist double standard. TYLER/MARK/TIMMY HECTOR! WE'RE JUST TRYING TO HAVE A NICE CONVERSATION! WE'RE JUST TALKING BEFORE BED! AT CAMP! IN OUR BUNKS! IT'S JUST BUNK TALK! CHILL! Beat. Hector STARTS TO CRY. RANDY Aw, shit, we made the kid cry. TYLER Hector. It's alright, man. Look. Sometimes it feels good to just talk even about stuff that doesn't make sense or about stuff that won't come true. You should try it yourself sometime. HECTOR (sniffling) Okay. I can do that. TYLER/MARK/TIMMY Awesome. Great. Yeah. Try it, buddy. HECTOR Okay. So. I know I can be overanalytical. I can get too "in my head". Sometimes to a fault. That's why I'm often subject to persecutory behavior. There's a piece of me that feels like "yes I'm nine years old. Burn the wick at both ends" but there's this other side of me that's always dissecting. (beat) I used to wish I could just put on a helmet that just made me.. make me... make me just chill. TYLER Hah, if only that were possible, right? The guys laugh. Hector reveals a HELMET with BLINKING LIGHTS. It looks otherworldly - like something out of TRON. He puts it on and hits a few switches. TYLER Hector? The helmet makes him talk with a HORRID ROBOT VOICE. HECTOR CHILL. ICE COLD. CHIIIIILLLLL. SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS (a la Gary Jules' "Mad World") as we cut to a BRIEF MONTAGE OF THE REST OF HECTOR'S CAMP EXPERIENCE AND LIFE. All of the following done against GREEN SCREEN with Hector wearing the helmet against different BACKGROUNDS: - FIELD BACKGROUND: Hector misses a FRISBEE - "CHILL." - HOSPITAL BACKGROUND: A pair of HANDS passes Hector a NEWBORN BABY - "CHILL." - HIMALAYAN MOUNTAINS BACKGROUND, snow everywhere - "CHILL." - ANGLE ON: Hector's motionless mouth as he lays dead in a CASKET - "CHILL". Tyler, Timmy and Mark close it. - HEAVEN / CLOUDS BACKGROUND: Hector has ANGEL WINGS - "CHILL." - SPACE BACKGROUND - HECTOR's body rigidly floating in outer space (think "Tim & Eric" horrible cheap VFX) - "CHILL."