The campers stay up late to ask the big questions.
By Josh Ruben & Thomas Middleditch
EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - INSERT ON A SIGN: "Boys Cabin"
INT. CABIN - NIGHT
The camp boys - MARK, TIMMY, and TYLER (Thomas) sit in their
bunk beds in silence staring up at the ceiling, their faces
raked by moonlight.
Hey. Are you guys asleep?
Nah. Nope, you?
Do you guys think you'll want to
send your kids to camp when you're
like, dads and junk?
No kids for me, I'm just gonna
chill and travel with my hot wife.
Yeah right, Timmy! You wish!
You'd be lucky to marry a wooden
log, you big dope!
Randy looks genuinely hurt but no one can tell.
Yeah, I'd send my kids to Camp
Wanaykaka. I've had some of the
best times of my life here.
Some of the worst too, right?
The boys laugh. Reveal HECTOR (Josh as a 10 year old Spanish
kid with coke-bottle GLASSES, a lisp and a stupid BOWL CUT):
Honestly, I find, having a child is
irresponsible. The economy's only
getting worse. The average middle
class family takes in a joint
income of, what, like 81,000
dollars per year? S'not nearly
ample enough to support the average
family. Not my family should I ever
take the plunge anyhow.
Geez, Hector. We're just talking.
God I wish I could just like,
teleport to the Milana's bunk right
Whoa! Counselor crush!
Whatever dude! You wish you could
too. Gonna teleport and mwah mwah
(He makes smooch sounds)
If I could teleport I'd go all over
the world, like Jumper. Take
people's money and shit. PPFT.
Egypt. PFFT my dad's house.
The government would find a way to
suppress and sanction the
technology You guys are smart. You
should know that.
Yeah. Hector. We're just talking.
JUMP CUTS OF HECTOR SHOOTING EVERYONE DOWN:
It'd be so cool to live on the
It would be cool, it's just a
matter of fielding the medical
Hector. We're just talking. Jesus.
What if humans could fly?
While that'd be "cool" it'd be a
lot of red tape with the FAA.
I SAID WHAT IF.
The other day I was thinking, like,
what if life revolves around me?
Like, The Truman Show?
Yeah! I just just thinking that!
The guys laugh and enjoy the conversation energy.
From a psychological standpoint,
that's true. But I don't want my
life like molded after Jim Carrey's
effort to "play sentimental".
God! What are you even talking
I'm gonna ask out Delilah
That girl is a slut dude.
Well, that's a sexist double
HECTOR! WE'RE JUST TRYING TO HAVE A
NICE CONVERSATION! WE'RE JUST
TALKING BEFORE BED! AT CAMP! IN OUR
BUNKS! IT'S JUST BUNK TALK! CHILL!
Beat. Hector STARTS TO CRY.
Aw, shit, we made the kid cry.
Hector. It's alright, man. Look.
Sometimes it feels good to just
talk even about stuff that doesn't
make sense or about stuff that
won't come true. You should try it
Okay. I can do that.
Awesome. Great. Yeah. Try it,
Okay. So. I know I can be
overanalytical. I can get too "in
my head". Sometimes to a fault.
That's why I'm often subject to
persecutory behavior. There's a
piece of me that feels like "yes
I'm nine years old. Burn the wick
at both ends" but there's this
other side of me that's always
dissecting. (beat) I used to wish I
could just put on a helmet that
just made me.. make me... make me
Hah, if only that were possible,
The guys laugh. Hector reveals a HELMET with BLINKING
LIGHTS. It looks otherworldly - like something out of TRON.
He puts it on and hits a few switches.
The helmet makes him talk with a HORRID ROBOT VOICE.
CHILL. ICE COLD. CHIIIIILLLLL.
SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS (a la Gary Jules' "Mad World") as we
cut to a BRIEF MONTAGE OF THE REST OF HECTOR'S CAMP
EXPERIENCE AND LIFE.
All of the following done against GREEN SCREEN with Hector
wearing the helmet against different BACKGROUNDS:
- FIELD BACKGROUND: Hector misses a FRISBEE - "CHILL."
- HOSPITAL BACKGROUND: A pair of HANDS passes Hector a
NEWBORN BABY - "CHILL."
- HIMALAYAN MOUNTAINS BACKGROUND, snow everywhere - "CHILL."
- ANGLE ON: Hector's motionless mouth as he lays dead in a
CASKET - "CHILL". Tyler, Timmy and Mark close it.
- HEAVEN / CLOUDS BACKGROUND: Hector has ANGEL WINGS -
- SPACE BACKGROUND - HECTOR's body rigidly floating in outer
space (think "Tim & Eric" horrible cheap VFX) - "CHILL."