LOL, WTF, ETC.
By Mike Trapp
A man BRIAN sits in a chair. He looks nervous. Buzzfeed 1 and Buzzfeed 2 swing into the room. BUZZFEED 1 Hello, I'm Detective Stevens, this is Detective Kelly, we're part of the investigative division for Buzzfeed. BRIAN Am I in some kind of trouble? BUZZFEED 1 We just have some questions we wanna ask you. BUZZFEED 2 What do you remember from the morning of January 1, 1990 through the night of December 31, 1999. BRIAN What? BUZZFEED 1 What do you remember about the 90s. BRIAN I dunno. What anyone remembers. Buzzfeed 2 laughs derisively. The two cops fall into a routine rhythm, moving quickly through their questions. BUZZFEED 2 You'll have to do a lot better than that, you piece of shit. BUZZFEED 1 Do you remember flannel shirts? BRIAN Yeah. Who doesn't? BUZZFEED 1 What about Dunkaroos? BRIAN Sure. Buzzfeed 2 slams into frame. BUZZFEED 2 And what about puppy surprise, cocksucker?! What do you know about puppy surprise?! BRIAN Puppy surprise?¬†¬† BUZZFEED 2 Puppy surprise! How many puppies are there inside? BRIAN There could be three, or four, or five. I don't know! BUZZFEED 2 HOW MANY! BRIAN I DON'T KNOW! BUZZFEED 1 Now, come on Brian. You tell us what we need to know, and I'll show you your new favorite mini-animal. BRIAN What? I don't have a favorite mini animal. That's weirdly specific. BUZZFEED 1 Well you will once you see a Dik Dik. It'll be your favorite. BUZZFEED 2 Or else. BUZZFEED 1 Just tell us what you remember about the '90s. BRIAN Why do you care? Why would anyone? Buzzfeed 2 backslaps Brian across the face. BRIAN Ow! Jesus! BUZZFEED 2 Don't get mouthy. 10 Things, Brian. Give me 10 Reasons the '90s were So Totally the Best. And if you can't, there's 7 Ways to Shove My Foot Up Your Ass You Need to See Right Now, and your wife might be treated to 13 Pictures of Your Face She Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped. So maybe you stop fucking around and start listening.¬†¬†¬†¬† BRIAN Do you want me to give any history, or opinions or -- Buzzfeed 2 lifts Brian out of his chair by his lapels, and pushes him against the wall. BUZZFEED 2 You got a hearing problem or something? We don't need any of that. No editorializing, no surprising facts, no nothing. Just things. Numbered. BRIAN I want to see my lawyer. BUZZFEED 1 You want a lawyer? I got 34 Fictional Lawyers You Totally Wish Were Real. Brian wrests himself out of Buzzfeed 1's hands and backs away toward the table. BRIAN Stop talking to me like you know me! I want MY lawyer. A real one! BUZZFEED 1 The only lawyer you gotta worry about is Ally McBeal. BUZZFEED 2 Did you watch a lot of TV in the '90s? I hope you did. Because we'll be talking about it a lot. Buzzfeed 2 sits him back down in the chair. BRIAN Why?! How are the answers to these questions at all important? Why are you doing this? Buzzfeed 2 slams Brian's head into the table. He cries in pain, pulls back revealing a bloody nose. BUZZFEED 2 You don't like talking about the '90s, shitbag? Fine! Maybe instead you can tell me Four Reasons Why Bacon Is the Chuck Norris of Foods. BRIAN (horrified) No! NO! I can't! Chuck Norris Jokes are so old. Buzzfeed 2 punches Brian in the face. BRIAN And that's so few things. Another punch. Brian's face is really bloody. BRIAN And are people still talking about bacon like it's some new thing? Buzzfeed 2 puts Brian's hand down on the table and smashes it with a hammer. Brian screams. BUZZFEED 2 You think this is a fucking game? You think this is mousetrap or Mario 64 or a tamagotchi? IT'S NOT! Buzzfeed 2 delivers a beatdown of Tarantino proportions. Repeatedly screaming "What do you remember about the 90s?" He finally steps back, panting, blood-soaked. BRIAN (coughing, in pain) Lisa... Frank. BUZZFEED 1 Heh, oh yeah. Lisa Frank. BUZZFEED 2 I remember that too. END.