LOL, WTF, ETC.
By Mike Trapp
A man BRIAN sits in a chair. He looks nervous. Buzzfeed 1
and Buzzfeed 2 swing into the room.
Hello, I'm Detective Stevens, this
is Detective Kelly, we're part of
the investigative division for
Am I in some kind of trouble?
We just have some questions we
wanna ask you.
What do you remember from the
morning of January 1, 1990 through
the night of December 31, 1999.
What do you remember about the 90s.
I dunno. What anyone remembers.
Buzzfeed 2 laughs derisively. The two cops fall into a
routine rhythm, moving quickly through their questions.
You'll have to do a lot better than
that, you piece of shit.
Do you remember flannel shirts?
Yeah. Who doesn't?
What about Dunkaroos?
Buzzfeed 2 slams into frame.
And what about puppy surprise,
cocksucker?! What do you know about
Puppy surprise! How many puppies
are there inside?
There could be three, or four, or
five. I don't know!
I DON'T KNOW!
Now, come on Brian. You tell us
what we need to know, and I'll show
you your new favorite mini-animal.
What? I don't have a favorite mini
animal. That's weirdly specific.
Well you will once you see a Dik
Dik. It'll be your favorite.
Just tell us what you remember
about the '90s.
Why do you care? Why would anyone?
Buzzfeed 2 backslaps Brian across the face.
Don't get mouthy. 10 Things, Brian.
Give me 10 Reasons the '90s were So
Totally the Best. And if you can't,
there's 7 Ways to Shove My Foot Up
Your Ass You Need to See Right Now,
and your wife might be treated to
13 Pictures of Your Face She Won't
Believe Aren't Photoshopped. So
maybe you stop fucking around and
Do you want me to give any history,
or opinions or --
Buzzfeed 2 lifts Brian out of his chair by his lapels, and
pushes him against the wall.
You got a hearing problem or
something? We don't need any of
that. No editorializing, no
surprising facts, no nothing. Just
I want to see my lawyer.
You want a lawyer? I got 34
Fictional Lawyers You Totally Wish
Brian wrests himself out of Buzzfeed 1's hands and backs
away toward the table.
Stop talking to me like you know
me! I want MY lawyer. A real one!
The only lawyer you gotta worry
about is Ally McBeal.
Did you watch a lot of TV in the
'90s? I hope you did. Because we'll
be talking about it a lot.
Buzzfeed 2 sits him back down in the chair.
Why?! How are the answers to these
questions at all important? Why are
you doing this?
Buzzfeed 2 slams Brian's head into the table. He cries in
pain, pulls back revealing a bloody nose.
You don't like talking about the
'90s, shitbag? Fine! Maybe instead
you can tell me Four Reasons Why
Bacon Is the Chuck Norris of Foods.
No! NO! I can't! Chuck Norris Jokes
are so old.
Buzzfeed 2 punches Brian in the face.
And that's so few things.
Another punch. Brian's face is really bloody.
And are people still talking about
bacon like it's some new thing?
Buzzfeed 2 puts Brian's hand down on the table and smashes
it with a hammer. Brian screams.
You think this is a fucking game?
You think this is mousetrap or
Mario 64 or a tamagotchi? IT'S NOT!
Buzzfeed 2 delivers a beatdown of Tarantino proportions.
Repeatedly screaming "What do you remember about the 90s?"
He finally steps back, panting, blood-soaked.
(coughing, in pain)
Heh, oh yeah. Lisa Frank.
I remember that too.