The most cringe-inducing words in the English language, together at last!
By Dan Gurewitch
Dan and Emily address camera. ￼DAN The following is a dramatic scene using all of the grossest words in the English language. EMILY See if you can make it through! CUT TO: INT. NICE RESTAURANT Dan and Emily sit across from each other. They over-enunciate the various gross words. DAN This meal is so... moist. It's like a succulent, fudgy ooze. All these mucus-y, moist veggies and crud. EMILY I wonder whose brainchild this moist meal was. It's giving me goose pimples in my panties. DAN Your moist panties are goose pimply? EMILY Yeah, this meal is that damp. It's like a bulbous pulp clot in my jowls. DAN It's the lumpy log of moist meat. It's like a viscous, bulging fungal loaf. EMILY Excuse me, waiter with the yummy pupils? I'd like to swap fudgy ooze phlegm and slurp this moist meal out of a wedge in your slacks. WAITER Ma'am, we don't usually bloviate about the moistness, but I'd suggest you tweak your plump grundle, squat and slurp this chunky yolk out of a honking crevice in your navel. EMILY (laughs) I chortled because my navel crevice is my favorite orifice. My navel and my pus-y nostrils. WAITER Very good. DAN (oddly turned on) Honestly? I'd make a dank hoagie out of these fleshy morsels and gurgle, gargle and suckle them out of your blouse slit like a festering gluten sleuth. EMILY I would milk a nugget of this oyster gloop from your bloated scrotum stump and smear it on a pickled doily. DAN If this moist meal was a creamy ointment, I'd make you butt-chug it through a damp crusty hole 'til you had bunion scabs on your bladder and pubis so wormy and putrid you'd have to slither like a greasy yogurt toad to the webinar. EMILY Ew. Don't ever say that word. DAN What word? "Webinar?" Emily PUKES SO HARD. END.