That's right, kids: people come in all shapes and sizes, but we're all assholes.
By Mike Trapp
Based on the article by the same name! This is all animated
in a kids cartoon style.
EXT. WHITE VOID OF NOTHINGNESS
A thought bubble is being drawn onto the white space as the
When you picture an asshole just
who do you see? A fedora-clad guy
with a stupid goatee?
Said guy appears in the thought bubble.
Or maybe an I-banker straight from
the 80s Who screams in his cell
phone and drives a Mercedes.
80s guy drives into the thought bubble, almost hitting
fedora guy. As the next line is read, a frat bro and Tucker
Max enter. Frat bro sprays deodorant all over the first two
assholes, while Tucker laughs and scribbles in a journal.
A frat guy who reeks of deodorant
smell? That fucker named Tucker who
wants beer in hell? Yes, these are
all assholes. The biggest around.
But you needn't look hard for some
more to be found.
The giant hand of the narrator comes in from out of frame
and pops the thought bubble. All the characters fall out of
the bubble into a huge crowd of people. The camera pans
across the crowd.
They're here all around you.
They're near and they're far. But
which ones are assholes? Well, all
of them are!
A big red stamp slams down that covers the whole frame with
the word "asshole"
"But that just can't be," I can
hear you debate...
A different hand comes into the frame and wipes away the
"asshole" stamp. It points to some of the people who sort of
glow. The rest of the crowd falls away, until 8 people
occupy the frame.
"I know some of them, and I think
they they're great. I call these
folks 'friends' and I think that
they're swell. What makes these
guys assholes I ask you, pray
We zoom in on each character as they're named.
Your friends can be be friendly,
but sometimes they're not And then
they're an asshole. Now who
would've thought? John is an
asshole 'cause he takes out his
phone when you're talking to him
and you two are alone.
John fiddles with a phone, nodding as he types. An envelope
with wings crawls out of his phone and flies to the next
characters, Izzy and cory. Several winged envelopes fly
around her as she sips a drink. Cory makes an hourglass
silhouette with his hands and licking his lips.
Izzy ignores every one of your
e-mails, And Cory tells stories
that denigrate females.
Pan over to a row of theater seats. One has a sweatshirt on
Tara is tardy at times you should
meet So you're stuck in the cinema
saving her seat.
Pan over to Olive and Everett. They are yelling at each
other while gesticulating at the news playing on TV.
Olive's offended by all that she
sees, while Everett thinks
everything's far too PC.
Pan over to Ron and Snoo, the Reddit alien, laughing
Ron retells jokes he discovered on
Reddit And reposts this poem (but
doesn't give credit).
The frame freezes with the next line, and we pan out, away
from Ron and Snoo. Out and out until we can see the whole
earth. Little faces pop up all over the earth until it fills
"Okay," you may say, "My friends
can be classless, And perhaps they
resemble the holes of some asses.
But there's billions of people, and
surely there's some Who can be
called more than a hole in a bum."
But no, it's not so. Everyone can
be awful, And do things
distasteful, uncouth, and unlawful.
As the following names are called out, we see each of them
briefly in their own little scene of assholishness.
Greg goes to parties and plays a
guitar. Chris cuts you off in his
shiny new car. Brit goes to
birthdays and never brings beer.
And Sam will say spoilers, no
matter who hears. Luke goes online
leaving long-winded comments,
Screeds full of meanness and empty
of content. Fran leaves her phone
on when others perform. Tim equates
treason with health care reform.
Bradley will brag about how much
he's paid and still he'll complain
of the cost of his maid.
Cut to a cartoon version of me at a computer.
Of course, I'M an asshole with all
that I write Pretending that these
observations aren't trite. And
don't think I forgot in this
hullabaloo That the most special
asshole of all here is you!
At the last line I point right into the camera. Then the
Of course, that's not true. You're
not special at all.
The camera spins around as if we're looking out of the
computer screen at the viewer slumped in his chair.
You're the normal-est asshole that
I can recall. 'Cause just like the
rest you care most about you, and
think that the world should act
like you do.
The viewer stands up as if he's about to protest. He
transforms into a big assholish superhero.
You think you're the hero and
others are extras -- You're a
rainbow of dicks across assholish
The viewer opens his mouth a ranbow laser beam of dicks
shoots out, knocking over another, identical superhero. The
other superhero blasts back his own rainbow dick laser. We
pull back a bit to see a dozen of these guys blasting away.
That's how we all are, though it's
certainly heinous And so we're all
shitty, 'cause we're all like an
The camera keeps pulling back until once again we see the
earth. Standing all around it are people of all ages and
races holding hands. A sphincter sun rises over the earth.
So what have we learned? It's now
time for your quiz. Who on earth is
an asshole? Everyone is!
The sun sputters out a weak little fart.