From CH Staff on
That's right, kids: people come in all shapes and sizes, but we're all assholes.
By Mike Trapp
Based on the article by the same name! This is all animated in a kids cartoon style. EXT. WHITE VOID OF NOTHINGNESS A thought bubble is being drawn onto the white space as the narrator speaks. NARRATOR When you picture an asshole just who do you see? A fedora-clad guy with a stupid goatee? Said guy appears in the thought bubble. NARRATOR Or maybe an I-banker straight from the 80s Who screams in his cell phone and drives a Mercedes. 80s guy drives into the thought bubble, almost hitting fedora guy. As the next line is read, a frat bro and Tucker Max enter. Frat bro sprays deodorant all over the first two assholes, while Tucker laughs and scribbles in a journal. NARRATOR A frat guy who reeks of deodorant smell? That fucker named Tucker who wants beer in hell? Yes, these are all assholes. The biggest around. But you needn't look hard for some more to be found. The giant hand of the narrator comes in from out of frame and pops the thought bubble. All the characters fall out of the bubble into a huge crowd of people. The camera pans across the crowd. NARRATOR They're here all around you. They're near and they're far. But which ones are assholes? Well, all of them are! A big red stamp slams down that covers the whole frame with the word "asshole" NARRATOR "But that just can't be," I can hear you debate... A different hand comes into the frame and wipes away the "asshole" stamp. It points to some of the people who sort of glow. The rest of the crowd falls away, until 8 people occupy the frame. NARRATOR "I know some of them, and I think they they're great. I call these folks 'friends' and I think that they're swell. What makes these guys assholes I ask you, pray tell?" We zoom in on each character as they're named. NARRATOR Your friends can be be friendly, but sometimes they're not And then they're an asshole. Now who would've thought? John is an asshole 'cause he takes out his phone when you're talking to him and you two are alone. John fiddles with a phone, nodding as he types. An envelope with wings crawls out of his phone and flies to the next characters, Izzy and cory. Several winged envelopes fly around her as she sips a drink. Cory makes an hourglass silhouette with his hands and licking his lips. NARRATOR Izzy ignores every one of your e-mails, And Cory tells stories that denigrate females. Pan over to a row of theater seats. One has a sweatshirt on it. NARRATOR Tara is tardy at times you should meet So you're stuck in the cinema saving her seat. Pan over to Olive and Everett. They are yelling at each other while gesticulating at the news playing on TV. NARRATOR Olive's offended by all that she sees, while Everett thinks everything's far too PC. Pan over to Ron and Snoo, the Reddit alien, laughing together. NARRATOR Ron retells jokes he discovered on Reddit And reposts this poem (but doesn't give credit). The frame freezes with the next line, and we pan out, away from Ron and Snoo. Out and out until we can see the whole earth. Little faces pop up all over the earth until it fills it up. NARRATOR "Okay," you may say, "My friends can be classless, And perhaps they resemble the holes of some asses. But there's billions of people, and surely there's some Who can be called more than a hole in a bum." But no, it's not so. Everyone can be awful, And do things distasteful, uncouth, and unlawful. As the following names are called out, we see each of them briefly in their own little scene of assholishness. NARRATOR Greg goes to parties and plays a guitar. Chris cuts you off in his shiny new car. Brit goes to birthdays and never brings beer. And Sam will say spoilers, no matter who hears. Luke goes online leaving long-winded comments, Screeds full of meanness and empty of content. Fran leaves her phone on when others perform. Tim equates treason with health care reform. Bradley will brag about how much he's paid and still he'll complain of the cost of his maid. Cut to a cartoon version of me at a computer. NARRATOR Of course, I'M an asshole with all that I write Pretending that these observations aren't trite. And don't think I forgot in this hullabaloo That the most special asshole of all here is you! At the last line I point right into the camera. Then the frame freezes. NARRATOR Of course, that's not true. You're not special at all. The camera spins around as if we're looking out of the computer screen at the viewer slumped in his chair. NARRATOR You're the normal-est asshole that I can recall. 'Cause just like the rest you care most about you, and think that the world should act like you do. The viewer stands up as if he's about to protest. He transforms into a big assholish superhero. NARRATOR You think you're the hero and others are extras -- You're a rainbow of dicks across assholish spectra. The viewer opens his mouth a ranbow laser beam of dicks shoots out, knocking over another, identical superhero. The other superhero blasts back his own rainbow dick laser. We pull back a bit to see a dozen of these guys blasting away. NARRATOR That's how we all are, though it's certainly heinous And so we're all shitty, 'cause we're all like an anus. The camera keeps pulling back until once again we see the earth. Standing all around it are people of all ages and races holding hands. A sphincter sun rises over the earth. NARRATOR So what have we learned? It's now time for your quiz. Who on earth is an asshole? Everyone is! The sun sputters out a weak little fart. END.