By Josh Ruben & Thomas Middleditch
EXT. DIRTY TRAIL - DAY The CAMP BOYS - VICTOR (10), TIMMY (11), Randy (13) and FRANKLIN (Josh), a southern kid, walk along the dirt road. TIMMY Hey Randy, are you sure this is the way to the girls bunks? RANDY Yes, Timmy, I'm positive. Trust me, dude. You'll be spying on them bodacious bazongas in no time! FRANKLIN That counselor Milana is so hot, ya'll. I just wanna sex her around and make her go "Oh Oh Oh" OW FUCK! A SNAKE bites Franklin's ANKLE and slithers away. It looks insanely fake - ask Thomas if we can use his rubber cobra. RANDY (ignoring, to Franklin) Keep your voice down, what the hell's wrong with you?! FRANKLIN Aw shit, ya'll! Somethin bit me! Franklin falls over. Just then the boys notice a NATIVE AMERICAN MAN walking along the road, drinking a BEER, singing to himself. RANDY Hey! You! Dude! Please help us! Native American dude stops in his tracks. NATIVE AMERICAN MAN Huh? Me? Wha? I didn't do nothing? RANDY Can you help our friend? I think he got bitten by a snake! The Native American leans down to examine Franklin's ankle. ANGLE ON: the GNARLIEST SNAKE BITE EVER! Victor faints. NATIVE AMERICAN MAN Aaaahh. Oooh. Oooo boy. No. FRANKLIN Am I gonna be okay?! NATIVE AMERICAN MAN Uh, I don't know much about snakes man but my guess is you don't got long to live. FRANKLIN You're an Indian, right? Don't you got some ancient Indian herbs you can use on it or somethin? VICTOR/TIMMY/RANDY Yeah! Ancient Indian herbs! Because you're an Indian! Yeah! NATIVE AMERICAN MAN Uh. I could pour some booze on it I guess. He pours WHISKEY all over the snake bite. Franklin screams. TIMMY You're hurting him! FRANKLIN No worries ya'll, it's potion! I think it's supposta hurt, so it... like... the Indian spirits like, help my spirits stay alive, right? NATIVE AMERICAN MAN Yeah, I mean, whenever I do it to me it hurts like shit, too. So. FRANKLIN Oh. I don't feel so good ya'll. Franklin VOMITS all over himself! RANDY (to Native American) You gotta do something man! His ten year old life is in your hands! NATIVE AMERICAN MAN Uh- I don't- There's a doct- TIMMY Oh, I know! Camp Wanakaya's built on an Indian burial ground! Couldn't that help him?!? NATIVE AMERICAN MAN Like in Pet Sematary? S'scary as shit, I dunno. I didn't know that. RANDY C'mon, we gotta hurry! They run O.S. as NATIVE AMERICAN DRUMS SWELL. EXT. INDIAN BURIAL GROUND - NIGHT Randy, Timmy, Victor and the Native American surround Franklin who lays in a SHALLOW GRAVE - so PALE and SWEATY. VICTOR Now what? RANDY Yeah, can't you sing a Indian song to turn it on? NATIVE AMERICAN MAN Yeah, sure. He takes a swig of whiskey. Thomas proceeds to slowly improvise a Native American song that starts legit but ends up as the chorus to the Andre 3000 song "Hey Ya". NATIVE AMERICAN MAN Hay-yah-hay-yuh. Hayyy yaaa. Hayyy yaaay yaaaahhh. Haaaayyy yaahhhh. FRANKLIN Hey guys... I think it's working! Franklin has a VIOLENT SEIZURE, foaming mouth and all. TIMMY Franklin are you okay?! CLOSE on a clearly NOT okay Franklin. RANDY You said this would work! NATIVE AMERICAN MAN (he has no idea whatsoever) Uh. He probably needs to be buried more? He kicks more dirt on Franklin's face. Franklin coughs and spits up dirt. VICTOR Yeah! That's it! Everyone feverishly kicks dirt on Franklins face. "Yeah." "Yeah, that's it." "Yeah." Kick. Kick. Kick. The dirt kicking goes on for a long time, until so much dirt covers barely-alive Franklin. FRANKLIN (weak, covered in dirt) I... have just a (cough) quick question.. isn't the whole idea behind.. (cough) Indian burial ground (cough) that you have to be dead first? (cough) Obviously you would know better than us because we're just kids and you're (cough) an India- NATIVE AMERICAN MAN I'M NATIVE AMERICAN! OKAY! GOD! SERIOUSLY! You guys gotta take coruses in political correctness! Because you guys are BAD! Yes, I'm a Native AMERICAN. I don't do rain dances. I don't got healing herbs on me. And no, I don't live on a reservation. I'm just like, into the environment. And yeah, I'll drink a little okay? These booze? This was a gift from a friend. I got bored on my walk. I drank a little. Okay? I WORK AT BEST BUY! I was born in fuckin SHERMAN OAKS, okay!? So. Shit. Much better. Beat. RANDY Whatever dude. This guy's not gonna help us. Let's just say a prayer for Franklin and get outta here. VICTOR Dear Lord. Here lies our friend Franklin. He was a good guy who loves Daredevil trading cards, Boglins and both of his parents despite their marital hiccups. Amen. ALL BOYS Amen. A long beat. TIMMY (so quietly respectful) Hey guys, sorry, we really should get a move on if we're gonna see some titties before curfew. MITCH/VICTOR/TIMMY (also quietly respectful) Yeah. Good point. Right. Sure. The boys leave Franklin and the Native American there. FRANKLIN Hey. Sorry. I blacked out. Can ya sing me another them Indian chants? NATIVE AMERICAN MAN Let's get you to the hospital, buddy. IN A NICE WIDE SHOT Thomas lifts Franklin out of the dirt and sings the chorus of "Return to Innocence" by Enigma.