By Josh Ruben & Streeter Seidell
SEVERAL "BEFORE PHOTOS" of bald, unhappy MEN. SPOKESMAN (V.O.) Are you losing your hair? Tired of covering up unsightly bald spots? Well we have the solution for you. "AFTER PHOTOS" of same men, now all with SHAVED HEADS AND GOATEES. It ends with a before/after PHOTO of WALTER WHITE. SPOKESMAN (V.O.) Shave Your Head and Grow a Goatee. SHAVE YOUR HEAD GROW A GOATEE OFFICE DORN, a bald guy, consults with a SHAVE / GOAT SPECIALIST. SUPER (V.O.) At Shave Your Head and Grow a Goatee, we encourage our clients to shave what little hair they have and grow a goatee... Drawing attention away from their dying, emasculating hairline and towards their badass new goatee. TESTIMONIAL In the upper-third, a PHOTO of DORN, formerly balding, addresses camera, now bald with goatee. DORN Before Shave Your Head and Grow a Goatee I tried to cover up my thinning hair with hats and by leaning back real far whenever I talked to people. ANOTHER PHOTO of Dorn, leaning wayyyy back to hide his baldness. DORN Then I found Shave Your Head and Grow a Goatee, and followed their step-by-step instructions. Just two steps, really. And now, what can I say? I'm a Shave Your Head and Grow a Goatee convert. Dorn looks in the mirror and makes some mean faces. DORN Oh, FUCK YEAH! I look like a bouncer! (in bouncer voice) You got ID? SUPER (V.O.) Stop in for a free consultation today and a Shave Your Head and Grow a Goatee specialist will walk you through our dirt simple procedure. BORSELY OFFICE A MAN and his WIFE gather around Shave Your Head and Grow a Goatee specialist at a COMPUTER. He brings up a photo of the MAN on his MONITOR. BORSELY SPECIALIST So this is you now. And essentially you just shave your head and grow a goatee. MAN You're- you're not going to do anything with the computer? TESTIMONIAL PARKER and his wife AMELIA sit on a couch. AMELIA When I first met Parker, honestly, I thought he looked like a pussy. PARKER (laughing) I did! AMELIA But then Shave Your Head and Grow a Goatee had him shave his head and grow a goatee and now he looks like an ex-marine. PARKER (still laughing) I'm a software analyst! They continue laughing over a PHOTO of Parker in a COFFEE SHOP. Everyone's afraid of him. TESTIMONIAL O'REILY talks to camera. O'REILY My hair wasn't the only thing that was vanishing. My confidence went right along with it. The kids in my neighborhood, they... they made fun of me. They called me mirror ball and chrome dome. They'd say "Nice hair, no hair." They called me fuck face. PHOTO of O'Reily getting laughed at by a bunch of SEVEN YEAR OLDS. O'REILY Shave Your Head and Grow a Goatee not only cured my baldness, but restored my confidence. I just... shaved my head and grew a goatee. Now I look like Walter White from Breaking Bad and everyone is afraid of me. PHOTO of O'Reily now Bic'd with a goat, chasing the kids with a baseball bat. WHITE VOID SHAVE YOUR HEAD GROW A GOATEE FOUNDER - a seasoned older bald man with a smoky voice & salt-and-pepper goatee talks to camera. SHAVE FOUNDER I'm Sandaval Borsely, founder of Shave Your Head and Grow a Goatee. If you're losing your hair, try Shave Your Head and Grow and Goatee. If you're not completely satisfied with your new look in 30 days - Borsely Founder gets SUPER ANGRY/SCARY and right in the camera SHAVE FOUNDER Then what?! What are you gonna do?! Yeah, I didn't think so. SPOKESMAN Shave Your Head and Grow a Goatee. If you're black, don't even worry about the goatee part. END.