From CH Staff on
The jokes may be said by Americans but they were made in Malaysia.
By Emily Axford, Josh Ruben & Streeter Seidell
EXT. CONCERT HALL A Billboard in the signature Abercrombie & Fitch font: "The Roast of Abercrombie & Fitch (since 1892)" INT. CONCERT HALL - CONTINUOUS Personified CLOTHING BRANDS (Old Navy, American Apparel, Gap, Hot Topic, etc.) sit on a Dais. AMERICAN EAGLE is at the podium. In the seat of honor is ABERCROMBIE & FITCH: A hideous, mutant-looking version of their CEO flanked by two shirtless black & white men, cut outs from ads. AMERICAN EAGLE Abercrombie, you make clothing for the "Cool" kids in High School, but guess what happens to those "Cool" kids: they grow up and work at you. LAUGHTER. AMERICAN EAGLE Seriously, though, you're like a brother to me. An older brother. Who mom makes hang out with me. APPLAUSE. GAP takes the stage. Think: sassy gay comedian. GAP People say Victoria's Secret is that she's only an A-cup. LAUGHTER. Victoria's Secret is adorably embarrassed. GAP The main difference between Victoria's Secret and Frederick's of Hollywood is this: Victoria's Secret sells lingerie to girls who want to dress up a little slutty. Frederick's of Hollywood sells lingerie to sluts who want to dress up like little girls. LAUGHTER. This time she's actually embarrassed. REVEAL nasty FREDERICK'S OF HOLLYWOOD next to her. GAP Abercrombie doesn't want fat people to shop there anymore, so, sorry Old Navy, you're going to have to get your clothes somewhere else. LAUGHTER. OLD NAVY toasts with an ICE CREAM PARFAIT glass. Fat rolls pour out of his too small performance fleece. GAP Seriously Old Navy, the only thing you should perform in your performance fleece is a lap band surgery on yourself. LAUGHTER. AMERICAN APPAREL takes the podium. He looks like Dov Charney, with his arm around a creepily positioned half naked blurred out picture of an American Apparel model. He acts way too cool for school. AMERICAN APPAREL Thanks Guys. Really indifferent to be here. He sighs like he really doesn't want to do this. AMERICAN APPAREL TapOut's here. Hey, Tapout- TAPOUT has his arm around FOREVER 21. AMERICAN APPAREL She make look forever 21, but she's only 13. I found out the hard way. TAPOUT removes his arm. American Apparel coke snorts, rubs his gums, takes a duckface selfie and wanders off stage. AWKWARD CLAPPING. T.J. MAXX takes the podium. Think: Jewish Catskill comedian. T.J. MAXX American Apparel, everyone. The most money I've ever spent on camel toe. Next to Lululemon. LAUGHTER. A flexible Lulu Lemon lady does a Namaste bow. T.J. MAXX But on the plus side, Tapout has something to masturbate to. LAUGHTER. T.J. MAXX And on the plus size, Lane Bryant. LAUGHTER. Lane Bryant loves this and shimmies. T.J. MAXX Urban Outfitters. Where unique individuals go to dress like every other unique individual. LAUGHTER. Urban Outfitters is so hip. T.J. MAXX I've actually got my own Urban Outfitters at home. It's a dryer where I can shrink my t-shirts and a toilet I can flush my money down. LAUGHTER. T.J. MAXX Seriously, though, it's an honor to dig through all y'alls trash. APPLAUSE. Hot Topic takes the stage. His mouth is too close to the microphone so you can hear his angsty breathing. HOT TOPIC You're all sheeple living in a construct following your shepherd the Almighty Dollar. MICROPHONE FEEDBACK. FUBU takes the stage. FUBU Gap's here. They make t-shirts in every color of the rainbow, which is weird because only one color wears them: white. LAUGHTER. Gap is loving the attention. FUBU We've got J. Crew and Banana Republic. They second they saw me, they understood why Hot Topic wants to chain his wallet to himself. J. Crew and Banana Republic awkwardly raise a their wine glasses to toast, awkwardly. BANANA REPUBLIC (meekly) We feel guilty about being white! LAUGHTER. LL BEAN takes the stage. Think: Dorky Dad. LL BEAN Talk about white! I carpooled here with Patagonia and Northface! LAUGHTER. We see PATAGONIA & NORTHFACE. LL BEAN (earnestly) Saves money and the environment. Y'all should really consider the carbon footprint you- LANE BRYANT takes the podium. (Think Lisa Lampanelli type) LANE BRYANT Abercrombie, I don't need you to make XL clothing. If I want a pair of ripped, torn, and frayed jeans, I'll just try to fit into a size 2. LAUGHTER. LANE BRYANT Seriously, though, I think I know why your jeans are so distressed: they saw your CEO. LAUGHTER. LANE BRYANT Mike Jeffries is so ugly he looks like Gary Busey, Old Biff, and Sloth from Goonies had an orgy and that's what crawled out from the bottom. LAUGHTER. LANE BRYANT Ladies and Gentlemen, don't look at him for too long, your abs will turn to stone. LAUGHTER. LANE BRYANT And now, without further ado, let's welcome, Abercrombie & Fitch! APPLAUSE. The A&F CEO and his b&w models start to walk towards the stage. He moves in a gurgling C.H.U.D. nasty monster way. As he gets to the podium, Hot Topic rushes the stage. HOT TOPIC You're not gonna make fun of me anymore! He starts hitting him and crying. The crowd goes wild.