The jokes may be said by Americans but they were made in Malaysia.
By Emily Axford, Josh Ruben & Streeter Seidell
EXT. CONCERT HALL
A Billboard in the signature Abercrombie & Fitch font: "The
Roast of Abercrombie & Fitch (since 1892)"
INT. CONCERT HALL - CONTINUOUS
Personified CLOTHING BRANDS (Old Navy, American Apparel,
Gap, Hot Topic, etc.) sit on a Dais. AMERICAN EAGLE is at
the podium. In the seat of honor is ABERCROMBIE & FITCH: A
hideous, mutant-looking version of their CEO flanked by two
shirtless black & white men, cut outs from ads.
Abercrombie, you make clothing for
the "Cool" kids in High School, but
guess what happens to those "Cool"
kids: they grow up and work at you.
Seriously, though, you're like a
brother to me. An older brother.
Who mom makes hang out with me.
APPLAUSE. GAP takes the stage. Think: sassy gay comedian.
People say Victoria's Secret is
that she's only an A-cup.
LAUGHTER. Victoria's Secret is adorably embarrassed.
The main difference between
Victoria's Secret and Frederick's
of Hollywood is this: Victoria's
Secret sells lingerie to girls who
want to dress up a little slutty.
Frederick's of Hollywood sells
lingerie to sluts who want to dress
up like little girls.
LAUGHTER. This time she's actually embarrassed. REVEAL nasty
FREDERICK'S OF HOLLYWOOD next to her.
Abercrombie doesn't want fat people
to shop there anymore, so, sorry
Old Navy, you're going to have to
get your clothes somewhere else.
LAUGHTER. OLD NAVY toasts with an ICE CREAM PARFAIT glass.
Fat rolls pour out of his too small performance fleece.
Seriously Old Navy, the only thing
you should perform in your
performance fleece is a lap band
surgery on yourself.
LAUGHTER. AMERICAN APPAREL takes the podium. He looks like
Dov Charney, with his arm around a creepily positioned half
naked blurred out picture of an American Apparel model. He
acts way too cool for school.
Thanks Guys. Really indifferent to
He sighs like he really doesn't want to do this.
TapOut's here. Hey, Tapout-
TAPOUT has his arm around FOREVER 21.
She make look forever 21, but she's
only 13. I found out the hard way.
TAPOUT removes his arm. American Apparel coke snorts, rubs
his gums, takes a duckface selfie and wanders off stage.
AWKWARD CLAPPING. T.J. MAXX takes the podium. Think: Jewish
American Apparel, everyone. The
most money I've ever spent on camel
toe. Next to Lululemon.
LAUGHTER. A flexible Lulu Lemon lady does a Namaste bow.
But on the plus side, Tapout has
something to masturbate to.
And on the plus size, Lane Bryant.
LAUGHTER. Lane Bryant loves this and shimmies.
Urban Outfitters. Where unique
individuals go to dress like every
other unique individual.
LAUGHTER. Urban Outfitters is so hip.
I've actually got my own Urban
Outfitters at home. It's a dryer
where I can shrink my t-shirts and
a toilet I can flush my money down.
Seriously, though, it's an honor to
dig through all y'alls trash.
APPLAUSE. Hot Topic takes the stage. His mouth is too close
to the microphone so you can hear his angsty breathing.
You're all sheeple living in a
construct following your shepherd
the Almighty Dollar.
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK. FUBU takes the stage.
Gap's here. They make t-shirts in
every color of the rainbow, which
is weird because only one color
wears them: white.
LAUGHTER. Gap is loving the attention.
We've got J. Crew and Banana
Republic. They second they saw me,
they understood why Hot Topic wants
to chain his wallet to himself.
J. Crew and Banana Republic awkwardly raise a their wine
glasses to toast, awkwardly.
We feel guilty about being white!
LAUGHTER. LL BEAN takes the stage. Think: Dorky Dad.
Talk about white! I carpooled here
with Patagonia and Northface!
LAUGHTER. We see PATAGONIA & NORTHFACE.
Saves money and the environment.
Y'all should really consider the
carbon footprint you-
LANE BRYANT takes the podium. (Think Lisa Lampanelli type)
Abercrombie, I don't need you to
make XL clothing. If I want a pair
of ripped, torn, and frayed jeans,
I'll just try to fit into a size 2.
Seriously, though, I think I know
why your jeans are so distressed:
they saw your CEO.
Mike Jeffries is so ugly he looks
like Gary Busey, Old Biff, and
Sloth from Goonies had an orgy and
that's what crawled out from the
Ladies and Gentlemen, don't look at
him for too long, your abs will
turn to stone.
And now, without further ado, let's
welcome, Abercrombie & Fitch!
APPLAUSE. The A&F CEO and his b&w models start to walk
towards the stage. He moves in a gurgling C.H.U.D. nasty
monster way. As he gets to the podium, Hot Topic rushes the
You're not gonna make fun of me
He starts hitting him and crying. The crowd goes wild.