Technology commercials need an upgrade.
By Patrick Cassels
Some offbeat soft INDIE ROCK music plays. A young ARCHITECT IN A BUTTON-DOWN looks up from a drafting table, to CAMERA. ARCHITECT IN A BUTTON-DOWN When I'm watching a commercial for a new tech device, like Google Glass or the XboX One, I'm looking for an ad that's fun- A BUSY BAKER orders her kitchen around. She turns to CAMERA. BUSY BAKER -That's cool. A GARDENER IN A YELLOW SUNDRESS works in a greenhouse. GARDENER IN A YELLOW SUNDRESS -That's edited way too fast. ARCHITECT IN A BUTTON-DOWN Fast. BUSY BAKER Fast. GARDENER IN A YELLOW SUNDRESS With a lot of lines repeated a bunch, just like that. ARCHITECT IN A BUTTON-DOWN Like that. BLACK VIDEO GAME JUDGE And starring young professionals with creative jobs. SOME KIND OF WELDING ARTIST Jobs you're not even sure exist. SOMEONE BUILDING A WICKER CHAIR I'm a wicker weaver! ARCHITECT IN A BUTTON-DOWN I'm looking for an commercial that uses words like "Now"- GARDENER IN A YELLOW SUNDRESS "Emotion." BLACK VIDEO GAME DESIGNER "Global". ELDERLY JAPANESE WOMAN (subtitled; in Japanese) "Interconnected." GARDENER IN A YELLOW SUNDRESS "Your world." ARCHITECT IN A BUTTON-DOWN -spoken totally out-of-context. GIRL ON COUCH 1/GIRL ON COUCH 2 (laughing) Or in unison while laughing. BUSY BAKER Fast. WHITE GUY I want an add with diversity. (points to himself) Because it doesn't matter if you're a guy. WHITE GIRL Or a girl. WHITE GUY White. SAME WHITE GUY FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE Or black. ARCHITECT IN A BUTTON DOWN I want to see lots of small businessmen and women. Architects. GARDENER IN A YELLOW SUNDRESS Gardeners. BUSY BAKER Bakers. BAKER 2 Bakers. BAKER 3 A whole lot of bakers. WOMAN HOLDING A BAGUETTE Or at least someone holding a baguette, like me. ARCHITECT IN A BUTTON-DOWN I'm looking for a commercial set to an indie rock song. One that uses a lot of accordion. Some ACCORDION MUSIC pipes up on the soundtrack. GARDENER IN A YELLOW SUNDRESS Or glockenspiel. The accordion is replaced with GLOCKENSPIEL. ELDERLY JAPANESE WOMAN Or this instrument. The accordion is replaced with a a STRANGE INSTRUMENT. ARCHITECT IN A BUTTON-DOWN (more sincere) Most of all, I'm just looking for a good product... shot. CUT TO a quick, hip, minimalist shot of an ABSTRACT TECH DEVICE. ARCHITECT IN A BUTTON-DOWN No, one with kids. Cute kids, though. A DAD shows Google Hangouts with his SON. ARCHITECT IN A BUTTON-DOWN (V.O.) And a soldier A SOLDIER Google Glass chats with his KID. ARCHITECT IN A BUTTON-DOWN (V.O.) Let's make the kid a chick. A MOM records her DAUGHTER as she struggles to ski ARCHITECT IN A BUTTON-DOWN (V.O.) You know, emotional shit. A DAD Vines his wife giving birth. ANGELINA JOLIE (points to self) Also, Angelina Joelie. GARDENER IN A YELLOW SUNDRESS That's what'll get me to buy a smartphone. BIKE WELDER Or a wearable computer. BLACK VIDEO GAME JUDGE Or a website that finally puts ME in the driver's seat! ELDERLY JAPANESE WOMAN Whatever that means. ANOTHER BAKER One more baker. WHITE GUY And a logo, without text. SMASH CUT to a strange, Apple-like logo (not the Apple logo, though). END.