From CH Staff on
Kids' songs about sex, drugs and giving handies.
By Josh Ruben & Thomas Middleditch
EXT. SMALL AMPHITHEATER - DAY All the camp goers and the counselors sit on the bleachers. CAMP DIRECTOR (Stepping onstage) Ok guys, settle down. Settle down. Eyes on me, guys, I'm talking here. One BOY is still talking. CAMP DIRECTOR (CONT'D) Marcus! Tone it down! Geeze, you're louder than my wife when she's upstairs cheating on me! He burst out laughing but realizes no one finds it funny and so moves on. CAMP DIRECTOR (CONT'D) Well, you guys have been good all week so today I hired some special guests to perform for you today. BOY Kayne West! GIRL Beyonce!!! CAMP DIRECTOR No...no, of course not. That's ridiculous. But it's something better...and cheaper. Boys and girls, please give it up for northern California's very own singalong husband and wife duo...Harry and Madge!!! A smattering of applause. HARRY (50s - Josh), thick curly hair but balding, clearly seen and been involved in weird shit, NoCal hippy type, walks on stage with a guitar. He is accompanied by MADGE (40s - Thomas), equally trippy, mousey, thick glasses, long hair. They don't say much as they walk on stage and take a while to sit down and settle in, awkward and quiet. Finally... HARRY Hey kids. I'm Harry... MADGE (Talks very softly, almost inaudible) And I'm Madge. Kids lean in to hear... HARRY We are Harry and Madge. How's camp so far? Silence. HARRY (CONT'D) (Trying to get them) pumped) I said how's camp so far??? Nothing. HARRY (CONT'D) Ok, well, I'm having a great summer. So is my lovely wife, Madge, isn't that right sweetie? MADGE (So quiet) It's a real blast. Kids look to each other like "can you hear her?" HARRY I'll say. And for what it's worth, it's sure a whole heck of a lot better than spending a night in a crack den doing handies because you need a hit so bad you can feel your bones squeak! The Camp Director literally pulls out a glass of water and does a BIG SPIT TAKE. HARRY (CONT'D) The fresh air is something else, I tell you what. Y'know, before my lovely wife here saved me with her truth, peace and understanding, I was accustomed to sleeping face down in ditches with about forty needles in my arm. He takes a beat to engage all the kids in a sweeping look, like "know what I'm saying? Needles?" HARRY (CONT'D) If you've ever been so high you haven't taken a shit in two weeks you'll know what I'm talking abou-- CAMP DIRECTOR Let's here some songs now, right? Yaaay, songs... The kids don't know what to do. HARRY Ok yeah, sure, song number one, coming right up. This one is called "Midnight Astral Plane Honesty Believers". Sing along if you know the words. Ready Madge? She nods. He plays guitar. She sings. It's soft, high, warbly. They keep nodding to the kids to join in but it's all too strange and off tempo and quiet. BOY (To his friend) I can't hear what she's saying. The song wraps up. Silence. Awkwardness. CAMP DIRECTOR That was something. (Louder) Wasn't that something, kids? Just really...something. THIS WOULD BE A GREAT TIME TO IMPROVISE SOME STUFF A LA "HELLO MY NAME IS", WITH THE CAMP DIRECTOR CHIMING IN IF NEED BE AS THE STRAIGHT MAN. CAMP DIRECTOR (CONT'D) Ok, just stop. You clearly have no place entertaining children. HARRY Sleep with us. CAMP DIRECTOR What?! No! MADGE Sleep with us. CAMP DIRECTOR No one can hear you! HARRY Don't you see? Making love to my wife is the only way you can gain power over the man who sleeps with yours. CAMP DIRECTOR (Knowing it's true) No, I... They stare at each other. Harry and Madge are giving him bedroom eyes. CAMP DIRECTOR (CONT'D) (To the kids) Ok guys, that's it for Singalong time. Go do some activities or something. As the kids disperse, we clearly see that the Camp Director and these two weirdos are gonna have a threesome.