The Motor City could use a little push.
By Owen Parsons & Dan Gurewitch
INT. WHITE VOID DAVE BING'S VOICE (V.O.) accompanied by photos of DETROIT SLUMS and HEADLINES ABOUT ITS BANKRUPTCY. DAVE BING Hi I'm Dave Bing, mayor of Detroit. My city recently declared bankruptcy, but, we've heard the Internet is giving away free money on this Kickstarter thing. So let's give it a shot: if it worked for the Veronica Mars movie, it can work for a decaying American metropolis! GRAPHICS: A rising meter of donation levels, with a series of images beside them (Photoshopped, when necessary). DAVE BING At the $10 donation level, you'll get a house. Yes, we're starting with a house. $10 is actually a great deal for us. A shitty-looking house. DAVE BING At $50, the Detroit Lions will be your permanent wingmen at every bar you go to. They will jump on every grenade for you, bro. REGULAR DUDE surrounded by DETROIT LIONS players at a bar. DAVE BING At $100, you can decide Detroit's new dress code. Crocs and suspender-jorts for ever civil employee? You got it! A frowning postal worker dressed in these clothes. DAVE BING At $200, you can use the robots from the auto manufacturing plants in your very own Real Steel-style robot battles. DAVE BING At $300, Detroit laws no longer apply to you. Burn down a Walgreens! Slap a baby! Ride a policeman! Have yourself a field day. A burned-down Walgreens. A crying baby. A man on a policeman's back, piggyback-style. DAVE BING At $500, we'll recreate the movie Robocop scene-for-scene, starring you as Robocop. A scene from Robocop, with a black oval over Robocop's face with the word "YOU!" DAVE BING And at $506, you can do the Robocop thing, but with live ammunition. Two massive manufacturing robots fight each other. DAVE BING At $1,000, we'll let you design your own Detroit city park. Write your name. Shape it like a penis. We won't stop you. Aerial view of grass lawn shaped like a PENIS, with the word "HOWARD" written in concrete pathways. DAVE BING At $3,000, Eminem will rap battle on behalf of you in any situation. CUT TO A PHOTO OF EMINEM, wearing SUSPENDER-JORTS: EMIMEN (V.O.) "You got in my way, at the deli today/ I really don't like it when people are gay! TEXT FLASHES BELOW EMINEM: NOTE: Eminem's homophobic views are not those of the city of the Detroit. DAVE BING So please donate now. What else are you going to fund? Another Zach Braff vanity project? (suddenly desperate) Oh, you are? I was kidding. Please come back! I'm so lonely! Everyone's moving away and a guy with a flamethrower took over City Hall! END.