The Motor City could use a little push.
By Owen Parsons & Dan Gurewitch
INT. WHITE VOID
DAVE BING'S VOICE (V.O.) accompanied by photos of DETROIT
SLUMS and HEADLINES ABOUT ITS BANKRUPTCY.
Hi I'm Dave Bing, mayor of Detroit.
My city recently declared
bankruptcy, but, we've heard the
Internet is giving away free money
on this Kickstarter thing. So let's
give it a shot: if it worked for
the Veronica Mars movie, it can
work for a decaying American
GRAPHICS: A rising meter of donation levels, with a series
of images beside them (Photoshopped, when necessary).
At the $10 donation level, you'll
get a house. Yes, we're starting
with a house. $10 is actually a
great deal for us.
A shitty-looking house.
At $50, the Detroit Lions will be
your permanent wingmen at every bar
you go to. They will jump on every
grenade for you, bro.
REGULAR DUDE surrounded by DETROIT LIONS players at a bar.
At $100, you can decide Detroit's
new dress code. Crocs and
suspender-jorts for ever civil
employee? You got it!
A frowning postal worker dressed in these clothes.
At $200, you can use the robots
from the auto manufacturing plants
in your very own Real Steel-style
At $300, Detroit laws no longer
apply to you. Burn down a
Walgreens! Slap a baby! Ride a
policeman! Have yourself a field
A burned-down Walgreens. A crying baby. A man on a
policeman's back, piggyback-style.
At $500, we'll recreate the movie
Robocop scene-for-scene, starring
you as Robocop.
A scene from Robocop, with a black oval over Robocop's face
with the word "YOU!"
And at $506, you can do the Robocop
thing, but with live ammunition.
Two massive manufacturing robots fight each other.
At $1,000, we'll let you design
your own Detroit city park. Write
your name. Shape it like a penis.
We won't stop you.
Aerial view of grass lawn shaped like a PENIS, with the word
"HOWARD" written in concrete pathways.
At $3,000, Eminem will rap battle
on behalf of you in any situation.
CUT TO A PHOTO OF EMINEM, wearing SUSPENDER-JORTS:
"You got in my way, at the deli
today/ I really don't like it when
people are gay!
TEXT FLASHES BELOW EMINEM: NOTE: Eminem's homophobic views
are not those of the city of the Detroit.
So please donate now. What else are
you going to fund? Another Zach
Braff vanity project?
Oh, you are? I was kidding. Please
come back! I'm so lonely!
Everyone's moving away and a guy
with a flamethrower took over City