From CH Staff on
The final boss is ignorance.UnsSubscribe ToFrom Hardly Working
By Patrick Cassels & Owen Parsons
INT. MEN'S BATHROOM - 6AM ADAM washes his hands. He doesn't appear again. INT. NOLL HOLE - NORMAL WAKE-UP TIME Pat and Murph slurp coffee. When they bring the mugs down we reveal they're slurping spaghetti. OWEN enters with a DUSTY OLD TRUNK. He's super excited. OWEN Pat! Murph! You guys like video games, right? PAT/MURPH Totally!/Yeah! OWEN Then you're gonna love this. I was going through my grandpa's attic and I discovered he's a HUGE fan of Wolfenstein 3D. Check this out! Owen unfurls a HUGE NAZI FLAG. Pat and Murph are shocked. MURPH Jesus! Dude, w- what is that? OWEN Don't you remember? It's the bad guy logo from Wolfenstien. PAT Your grandfather had that? OWEN Oh, that's not all. Think Past,Fat. Owen playfully tosses the flag to Pat. Pat throws it down, disgusted. Owen pulls out a SS BUCKET HELMET. OWEN Bad guy helmet! PAT Oh boy. Owen, buddy, I don't know how to tell you this, but- OWEN (puts it on) Check it out! I'm in Wolfenstein! Level 2. One of the bigger guys with gattling gun arms. Owen starts acting like a Wolfenstein monster. PAT Your grandfather didn't play Wolfenstein, man! OWEN Sure he did. Look at all the achievements he earned. Owen raises a SASH of NAZI MEDALS. MURPH Oh fuck. Owen pulls out a FULL NAZI UNIFORM. OWEN Um, hello! Cosplay much, grandpa? PAT Owen. Listen. Did you ever learn about World War II in school? OWEN Nah, I always cut Mr. Snodgrass's class to play Wolfenstien in the computer lab. Whoa! Ch-ch-check it! Owen pulls out a well-worn copy of MEIN KÄMPF OWEN Wolfenstien strategy guide! He must have been soooo good. Look at all these notes he took. MURPH Uh, that's Mein Kampf. OWEN Yeah, must be German for Wolfenstein. (opens book; sudden clarity) Wait a minute. This book is autographed by Adolf Hitler. Pat and Murph stare at Owen expectantly. Beat. OWEN I don't know who that is. Pat GROANS. Murph grabs a photo album and flips through it. MURPH Oh jeez. Oh no. OWEN I see you found Grampa's photos from the Wolfenstein convention. Murph reveals: B/W photos of Nuremburg Rally. MURPH It's not that, dude. Next page: It's Owen's GRANDPA shaking hands with HITLER. OWEN Whoa, that guy's dressed up like the final boss from Wolfenstein! Looks like they're good friends! MURPH (shivers) I can feel the evil coming from this box. PAT Owen, think abou it! Those pictures are clearly from, like, the '30s, way before Wolfenstein came out. OWEN I dunno, maybe he got an advanced copy? I think he was developer... Owen removes old documents and journals from the box. OWEN I mean that would make sense, there's a ton of blueprints and diagrams in here. Ledgers, plans, names. Whatever he was working on, it was big. MURPH (looking at ledger) Oh shit. It's all in here. He knew everything. Inner circle, man. OWEN (reading journal) I think he was one of the first people to beat the game. Check it out! He was working on something called "The Final Solution." PAT Please tell me this man is dead. OWEN Nope! Healthy as a bull! Soaking up rays in Brazil. He's earned it! Owen salutes (not nazi one). Murph throws the ledger at him. MURPH Come on! You can't not know this shit, man! Read a book. Talk to an old person. Go on the Internet. OWEN Way ahead of you. I posted pictures of this stuff online. A lot of people were super into it. PAT I hope that's the end of the story. OWEN In fact, I invited some underground fan club to come out hang out, throw a little Wolfenstien party! O.C. MOTORCYCLE NOISES. Pat and Murph rush to the window. MURPH They're so huge! OWEN Yeah. They're covered in Wolfenstein tattoos. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - THE NEXT DAY Sam addresses EVERYBODY. He sighs. SAM This was the third time we've accidentally invited neo-Nazis to the office. So now HR says we all have to watch a movie about the Holocaust. DISAPPOINTED GROANS from the room. SAM I've chosen the first five minutes of the X-Men movie. Sam holds up a X-Men DVD. PLEASANTLY SURPRISED MURMURS. OWEN (O.C.) Ugh! How dare you! X-Men? Reveal Owen, wearing FULL NAZI REGALIA. OWEN The treatment of mutants in that movie is offensive. Good day, sirs. Owen proudly exits. POST-HUH (CREDITS) Owen addresses camera, still in Nazi clothes. He has one foot on a chair, like a "cool" teacher. He catches a football. OWEN Hi, I'm Owen. We've had a lot of fun here today, but all kidding aside, X-Men is a great movie. A breakout performance from Hugh Jackman anchors this fun, super-powered romp. CUT TO a "More-You-Know"-style logo: "AWARENESS: GET INTO IT."