The final boss is ignorance.
By Patrick Cassels & Owen Parsons
INT. MEN'S BATHROOM - 6AM
ADAM washes his hands. He doesn't appear again.
INT. NOLL HOLE - NORMAL WAKE-UP TIME
Pat and Murph slurp coffee. When they bring the mugs down we
reveal they're slurping spaghetti. OWEN enters with a DUSTY
OLD TRUNK. He's super excited.
Pat! Murph! You guys like video
Then you're gonna love this. I was
going through my grandpa's attic
and I discovered he's a HUGE fan of
Wolfenstein 3D. Check this out!
Owen unfurls a HUGE NAZI FLAG. Pat and Murph are shocked.
Jesus! Dude, w- what is that?
Don't you remember? It's the bad
guy logo from Wolfenstien.
Your grandfather had that?
Oh, that's not all. Think Past,Fat.
Owen playfully tosses the flag to Pat. Pat throws it down,
disgusted. Owen pulls out a SS BUCKET HELMET.
Bad guy helmet!
Oh boy. Owen, buddy, I don't know
how to tell you this, but-
(puts it on)
Check it out! I'm in Wolfenstein!
Level 2. One of the bigger guys
with gattling gun arms.
Owen starts acting like a Wolfenstein monster.
Your grandfather didn't play
Sure he did. Look at all the
achievements he earned.
Owen raises a SASH of NAZI MEDALS.
Owen pulls out a FULL NAZI UNIFORM.
Um, hello! Cosplay much, grandpa?
Owen. Listen. Did you ever learn
about World War II in school?
Nah, I always cut Mr. Snodgrass's
class to play Wolfenstien in the
computer lab. Whoa! Ch-ch-check it!
Owen pulls out a well-worn copy of MEIN KÄMPF
Wolfenstien strategy guide! He must
have been soooo good. Look at all
these notes he took.
Uh, that's Mein Kampf.
Yeah, must be German for
(opens book; sudden clarity)
Wait a minute. This book is
autographed by Adolf Hitler.
Pat and Murph stare at Owen expectantly. Beat.
I don't know who that is.
Pat GROANS. Murph grabs a photo album and flips through it.
Oh jeez. Oh no.
I see you found Grampa's photos
from the Wolfenstein convention.
Murph reveals: B/W photos of Nuremburg Rally.
It's not that, dude.
Next page: It's Owen's GRANDPA shaking hands with HITLER.
Whoa, that guy's dressed up like
the final boss from Wolfenstein!
Looks like they're good friends!
I can feel the evil coming from
Owen, think abou it! Those pictures
are clearly from, like, the '30s,
way before Wolfenstein came out.
I dunno, maybe he got an advanced
copy? I think he was developer...
Owen removes old documents and journals from the box.
I mean that would make sense,
there's a ton of blueprints and
diagrams in here. Ledgers, plans,
names. Whatever he was working on,
it was big.
(looking at ledger)
Oh shit. It's all in here. He knew
everything. Inner circle, man.
I think he was one of the first
people to beat the game. Check it
out! He was working on something
called "The Final Solution."
Please tell me this man is dead.
Nope! Healthy as a bull! Soaking up
rays in Brazil. He's earned it!
Owen salutes (not nazi one). Murph throws the ledger at him.
Come on! You can't not know this
shit, man! Read a book. Talk to an
old person. Go on the Internet.
Way ahead of you. I posted pictures
of this stuff online. A lot of
people were super into it.
I hope that's the end of the story.
In fact, I invited some underground
fan club to come out hang out,
throw a little Wolfenstien party!
O.C. MOTORCYCLE NOISES. Pat and Murph rush to the window.
They're so huge!
Yeah. They're covered in
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - THE NEXT DAY
Sam addresses EVERYBODY. He sighs.
This was the third time we've
accidentally invited neo-Nazis to
the office. So now HR says we all
have to watch a movie about the
DISAPPOINTED GROANS from the room.
I've chosen the first five minutes
of the X-Men movie.
Sam holds up a X-Men DVD. PLEASANTLY SURPRISED MURMURS.
Ugh! How dare you! X-Men?
Reveal Owen, wearing FULL NAZI REGALIA.
The treatment of mutants in that
movie is offensive. Good day, sirs.
Owen proudly exits.
Owen addresses camera, still in Nazi clothes. He has one
foot on a chair, like a "cool" teacher. He catches a
Hi, I'm Owen. We've had a lot of
fun here today, but all kidding
aside, X-Men is a great movie. A
breakout performance from Hugh
Jackman anchors this fun,
CUT TO a "More-You-Know"-style logo: "AWARENESS: GET INTO