By Brian Murphy & Kevin Corrigan
INT. BAR MIKE and his WINGMAN (wearing a blue tooth) are sitting at a table enjoying some BREWS. MIKE I can't believe she dumped me for a guy who sells socks at the flea market. WINGMAN Come on, man! We're surrounded by beautiful women. What do you think about that girl over there? Wingman motions to TARA, who's talking to BECKY. MIKE She's cute. WINGMAN Go talk to her! I'll be your wingman. A guy next to them, the COMMANDER, leans in. COMMANDER And I'll be your commander. (looks up) Scouts, lets do a quick fly by to check for any boyfriends or engagement rings. TWO SCOUTS (scummy-looking guys at the bar) nod and casually walk by the girls to the bathroom. They give a thumbs up. COMMANDER And we're clear. Ground crew, prepare for hook-up. A GROUND CREW of THREE DUDES swoop in and touch Mike up: one guy is fixing his hair, two guys roll up his sleeves, and finally, the hair guy unbuttons his top button. He gives the commander a thumbs up. COMMANDER Clear for take-off. Set course for the smokin' babes by the jukebox. Wingman and Mike approach the girls. It's super casual. MIKE Hey. I'm Mike. TARA I'm Tara. Nice to meet you. WINGMAN You pick this song? (motioning to Mike) This is like Mike's favorite. He plays guitar too. BECKY (drunk) Tara, these guys are boring, let's do shots! Wingman's blue tooth lights up. He answers it. SPLIT SCREEN: Commander is talking to him on an iPhone. COMMANDER He's taking anti-aircraft fire! Initiate evasive maneuvers! WINGMAN I'll do shots with you. Becky shrugs: Wingman takes her by the arm and they leave. MIKE So like, what do you do? TARA I'm in marketing. TWO COOL GUYS swoop in. COOL GUYS We're in marketing! Back to the commander. COMMANDER Bogeys on his 3! Where's my bombadier!? BOMBADIER, holding a platter of beers, walks pretends to trip, and SPILLS THE BEER ALL OVER THE COOL GUYS. COOL GUY 1 Dude, MY VEST! We see that Tara was splashed. She runs to the bathroom. A SPY is doing her makeup. Tara runs water on her dress. SPY Oh no! Your dress! TARA Ugh. Some idiot dumped beer all over me. I've been talking to this sorta cute guy, so I'd rather not stink like PBR. Tara wipes her dress down with a paper towel and exits. The spy talks into her lipstick and the SCREEN SPLITS to include the commander. SPY Spy reporting in, just intercepted some confidential intel: she thinks he's sorta cute. The commander nods. We hear the phone ring again and the spy is replaced by the Wingman. He is taking shots with Becky, looking extremely sick. WINGMAN I can't hold it much longer! Becky hands him another shot. He does it and winces. COMMANDER MEDIC! The MEDIC appears next to wingman with a glass of water and a boat of french fries. He feeds the wingman. WINGMAN (melodramatic) It's too late for me, brother. The Wingman suddenly BARFS all over the medic. MEDIC NOOOOOOOO! Becky gives them a disgusted look and walks away. She stumbles over to Tara and Mike. BECKY Come on, Tara, I want chicken fingers. COMMANDER Mayday! Mayday! A HERO emerges from behind the commander. COMMANDER Stand down, soldier! HERO You and I both know what needs to be done. COMMANDER Don't you be a hero, god damn it! The air is sucked out of the room, a la Saving Private Ryan. The Hero walks to Becky in slow motion. She notices. BECKY Oh my god. That guy looks like Channing Tatum. He reaches her and they sloppily makeout. The background sound returns: It's gross. The commander lowers his head. TARA Ew. This place sucks. Do you wanna go somewhere else? MIKE Yeah, uh, I have beer at my place. TARA Oh, okay. Cool. Mike and Tara exit. COMMANDER (to the whole bar) MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! EVERYONE CHEERS. Mike re-enters. MIKE (sad) I said "I love you" and she ran. END.