The most terrifying tale of all... is his own.
By Josh Ruben & Thomas Middleditch
EXT. CAMPFIRE - NIGHT
Several CAMP KIDS and a couple COUNSELORS sit around the
fire. A kid, TIMMY, finishes telling a scary story.
...and the man in the clown mask
walked out onto the lawn, his axe
still bloody with the guts of the
family he massacred, and
disappeared into the night... never
to be seen again.
A BEAT. Everyone's frozen. THOMAS the counselor shivers.
Whoo! That was spooky. That was a
THE: the KIDS erupt in protest.
ALL CAMP KIDS
No way! / That was lame! / Stupid
story! / I've seen scarier stuff in
Gears of War 3!
Alright, alright. We get it. WE GET
IT. (beat) Does anyone else have a
scary story they wanna share?
CAMP KID GIRL
How about you, Jarvis?!
REVEAL JARVIS (Josh) - the quintessential "cool camp kid":
big hair and all. He's Johnny Bravo Jr. - when he
gesticulates his hands even make cartoon karate chop
Whoa! Me? Tell a scary story?
ALL CAMP KIDS
Yeah! Jarvis! Tell us scary story!
Alright, I got a scary story for
ya. One that'll chill ya to your
bones! One time my dad hit me at a
He karate chops the air, so cool - whoosh whoosh whoosh.
Everyone is silent.
Jarvis, that's it?
That's not scary...
Thirsty for GORE, are ya? Well
alright! Here's another! I cut my
hand once and nobody would take me
to the hospital! Had to give myself
All the kids are speechless.
Does anyone else have another, uh-
Oh! I got a real SPOOKER! Once, my
kid brother locked me in a room
with all mirrors.
That's good, Jarvis-
Not done. He bound my hands with
chicken wire so I screamed real
loud til the glass burst.
K. Well. S'fucked up... so, let's-
Ya like that one, too, huh?? Lucky
for ya'll I got about a TON more
terrifying tales where that came
from! Including this chiller: once,
I put waterwings on and my mom
purposely positioned her raft above
me. I floated to the top and
couldn't breathe and she knew it!
Awkward, hard beat.
You got a real fucked up family,
Okay last one.
When I was eight my big sister held
me down and her fat friend held my
feet while another one sat on my
chest. It was at that very moment,
under the weight of these older fat
girls, that I knew I would never
truly be strong enough. Like, for
Aaaaand that's bedtime guys. Chop
You guys sure?
Yeah. / Yeah we're sure. / Get me
out of here. / That was a hard
Cuz I got a ton more!
Jarvis makes some "cool guy" Johnny Bravo karate chops -
whoosh whoosh whoosh!
Yeah let's head out - let's go.
Got a lot more stories where thems
(absolutely freaking out)
I GOT A LOT. MORE. STORIES. JUST