The most terrifying tale of all... is his own.
By Josh Ruben & Thomas Middleditch
EXT. CAMPFIRE - NIGHT Several CAMP KIDS and a couple COUNSELORS sit around the fire. A kid, TIMMY, finishes telling a scary story. TIMMY ...and the man in the clown mask walked out onto the lawn, his axe still bloody with the guts of the family he massacred, and disappeared into the night... never to be seen again. A BEAT. Everyone's frozen. THOMAS the counselor shivers. THOMAS Whoo! That was spooky. That was a spooky one. THE: the KIDS erupt in protest. ALL CAMP KIDS No way! / That was lame! / Stupid story! / I've seen scarier stuff in Gears of War 3! THOMAS Alright, alright. We get it. WE GET IT. (beat) Does anyone else have a scary story they wanna share? CAMP KID GIRL How about you, Jarvis?! REVEAL JARVIS (Josh) - the quintessential "cool camp kid": big hair and all. He's Johnny Bravo Jr. - when he gesticulates his hands even make cartoon karate chop "swoosh" sounds. JARVIS Whoa! Me? Tell a scary story? ALL CAMP KIDS Yeah! Jarvis! Tell us scary story! JARVIS Alright, I got a scary story for ya. One that'll chill ya to your bones! One time my dad hit me at a Bennigans. He karate chops the air, so cool - whoosh whoosh whoosh. Everyone is silent. THOMAS Jarvis, that's it? TIMMY That's not scary... JARVIS Thirsty for GORE, are ya? Well alright! Here's another! I cut my hand once and nobody would take me to the hospital! Had to give myself stitches! OOOooOOoooo... All the kids are speechless. THOMAS Does anyone else have another, uh- JARVIS Oh! I got a real SPOOKER! Once, my kid brother locked me in a room with all mirrors. THOMAS That's good, Jarvis- JARVIS Not done. He bound my hands with chicken wire so I screamed real loud til the glass burst. THOMAS K. Well. S'fucked up... so, let's- JARVIS Ya like that one, too, huh?? Lucky for ya'll I got about a TON more terrifying tales where that came from! Including this chiller: once, I put waterwings on and my mom purposely positioned her raft above me. I floated to the top and couldn't breathe and she knew it! Awkward, hard beat. TIMMY You got a real fucked up family, huh? JARVIS Okay last one. THOMAS Nope. JARVIS When I was eight my big sister held me down and her fat friend held my feet while another one sat on my chest. It was at that very moment, under the weight of these older fat girls, that I knew I would never truly be strong enough. Like, for anything. THOMAS Aaaaand that's bedtime guys. Chop chop. JARVIS You guys sure? ALL KIDS Yeah. / Yeah we're sure. / Get me out of here. / That was a hard conversation. JARVIS Cuz I got a ton more! Jarvis makes some "cool guy" Johnny Bravo karate chops - whoosh whoosh whoosh! THOMAS Yeah let's head out - let's go. JARVIS Got a lot more stories where thems cames froms. THOMAS Gnite Jarvis. JARVIS (absolutely freaking out) I GOT A LOT. MORE. STORIES. JUST LIKE IT!