Hardly Working: Pee On Your Butt

By

CH Writing Staff

          INT. BATHROOM - THE DARK OF NIGHT



          MURPH walks up to the urinal and starts goin pee-pee.



          OMINOUS MUSIC SWELLS as a faceless, black-robed CREEP rises

          behind him.



                              MURPH

                         (looking over his shoulder)

                    Uh, yo DUDE, there's an empty

                    urinal right next to you.  No need

                    to stand behind me like a weirdo.



          The creep talks with a deep voice, like Buffalo Bill.



                              CREEP

                         (menacing)

                    Don't fucking turn around.



                              MURPH

                    Oh my god.  Look man.  I-I have

                    thirty dollars in my wallet-



                              CREEP

                    I don't want your money.



                              MURPH

                    Wh-what do you want?



          The sound of PEE hitting the back of Murph's jeans.  HE

          can't really turn around because he's still going.



                              MURPH

                    Hey.  Hey!  What are you doing?! 

                    Stop!



          The MUSIC gets more INTENSE as the creep leans in.



                              CREEP

                    Let me get something through your

                    fucking head.  Every time you og to

                    the bathroom, I'm gonna pee on your

                    butt.



          A panicked Murph zips up and turns around.  The man is GONE.



          INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER



          The back of MURPH'S JEANS are WET.  He looks totally

          shaken.  He sits at his desk.



                              JENNY

                    Murph.  Are you okay?



                              MURPH

                    I'm fine.



                              JENNY

                    Jesus.  You're shaking.



                              MURPH

                    YEAH, IAM, and hwy ond't you mind

                    your own GODDAMN BUSINESS!



          LATER



          Murph looks at the clock, whimpering.  Several minutes have

          passed.  His beer is EMPTY, and he has to go again.



          INT. BATHROOM  



          Murph cautiously kicks open the stall doors, one after

          another until he opens the door on DAN who is taking a shit.



                              DAN

                    WHOA!  MURPH!  POOPING!  CLOSE!



          Murph closes the door and breathes a sigh of relief.  He

          approaches the urinal and starts peeing.  He sighs.



                              CREEP (OC)

                    You came back for more, have you?



                              MURPH

                    No, no, no!  Not you again!



                              CREEP

                    You've come to have you but pped on

                    have you?  Well, luck you.  I'm

                    going to pee on your butt.



                              MURPH

                    Fuck, dude, please don't!  These

                    are designer jeans, okay?!  Paper. 

                    Fucking.  Denim!  Please don't!



                              CREEP

                    Please don't what?



                              MURPH

                    Please don't...



                              CREEP

                    Say it.



                              MURPH

                    PLEASE don't pee on my BUTT! 

                    Please don't pee on my butt, sir!



          BEAT.  Maybe he won't?



          Nah.  The creep starts peeing anyway, laughing maniacally. 

          Murph SCREAMS!



          WIDE of bathroom.  Murph is all alone, talking to himself.



                              MURPH

                    Please don't pee on my butt! 

                    Please don't pee on my butt! 

                    Please don't pee on my butt!



          EMILY puts her hand on his shoulder.  Murph swings around.



                              EMILY

                    Murph, are you okay?



                              MURPH

                         (flustered)

                    There's this guy.  And he was in

                    here before.  And he peed on my

                    butt.  And I told him to stop. 

                    And- wait, waht are you doing in

                    the men's bathroom?



          Emily looks guilty... a STING of SCARY MUSIC plays, then

          cuts ou as soon as Dan steps into frame.



                              DAN

                    Hey!  Sorry, me again.  I called

                    her here.  I have Emily pick me up

                    after I make poops.



                              EMILY

                    Just makes him feel better.



          Dan and Emily hug.



          INT. OFFICE - LATER



          A CROWD of WRITERS gather near Murph's desk.



                              PAT

                    Okay guys, gather around!  The

                    first one to drink ALL this water

                    wins a thousand dollars!



          Murph sighs.  He has to do it.



          INT. BATHROOM



          Murph is at the urinal.  He takes a deep breath.



          CREEP's MUSIC plays as creep appears behind Murph.  We know

          what's about to happen.



                              MURPH

                    No need to say it, sir.  I know

                    you're gonna pee on my butt.



          EXTREME CLOSE UP on Murph's intense expression.  Payback.



                              MURPH

                    But I'm gonna piss on your dick.



          Murph turns around and faces the creep, who is completely

          bewildered.



          They each stand there for a beat, facing one antoher.  We

          hear only the sound of them peeing on each other.



          Then: A WHOOSH of light, and an EXPLOSION.  The creep

          screams: "NOOoOOOoooOO!" and disappears into thin air.



          VICTORY MUSIC!  Murph laughs until he cries tears of joy.



          INT. OFFICE - SECONDS LATER



          Murph takes a seat at his desk, looking confident.



                              JENNY

                    Murph, are you okay?



          We see Murph, full-body.  He's DRENCHED in piss.



                              MURPH

                         (big genuine smile)

                    Jenny?  I'm great.  And thanks for

                    asking.



          CHEERY END-OF-MOVIE music plays before it transitions to

          SCARY again as



          Emily gets a PHONECALL.  She picks up.



                              EMILY

                    Hey, Dan.  Need me to pick you up?