Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Phillip Ellis, CEO, Gets Roasted at his Retirement Party
August 1, 2007
John Stalking, Accounting:
I met Phillip 35 years ago when he was just starting the company and I was a junior intern. Back then, Phil had two hobbies: Women, and whaling. Which makes sense, when you look at his wife.
(Crowd erupts in laughter)
Honestly, if blubber was money this retirement would have happened the day after Phil got drunk enough to marry that she-walrus.
(John makes walrus noises. The crowd is cracking up. Somebody throws John a mackerel, which he catches it in his mouth. Crowd is just going nuts at this point)
In all honesty Phil, I love you man, and I'm sad you're leaving. Here's to you, Phil!
(John hugs Phil, crowd applauds. Phil's wife politely smiles and claps.)
Bill Stickley, Sales:
Groucho Marx once said, "The problem with retirement is that you never get a day off." If you ask me, the problem with retirement is that you won't get 10 hours off every day to escape your massive wife's orbit. She's disgusting, honestly.
(Crowd is laughing/applauding)
Hey Phil's wife, I wish you were Phil's job and that he was retiring from you.
(Another mackerel hits the stage, crowd erupts in laughter)
Seriously though Phil, you're a lucky guy and I am going to miss you buddy.
(Crowd applauds as Bill and Phil hug. Wife just curves the tips of her lips up, with no will power left to smile a full smile)
Vance Johnston, Human Resources:
Phil your wife is a fucking joke, man.
(Crowd going apeshit. A bucket's worth of salmon and trout just flying everywhere. People are standing on each others shoulders, performing double decker high fives)
We're gonna miss you buddy!!!
(Vance goes to hug Phil, he fully embraces him. Phil's wife has neither the strength nor dignity to walk away.)
Phillip Ellis Jr, Philip's Son:
(Crowd still going bonkers from Vance's speech finally quiets down)
I caught mom late last night in the kitchen, head tilted back, shoving two greased up logs of cookie dough down her throat, not even stopping to chew. I asked her how she could even swallow the hardened dough, and she responded "When the dough is in my esophagus, I tilt my head left and right, left and right, over and over until the dough gets moist and chewy enough to slide down my throat and into my stomach." I Love you dad.
(Father and son embrace. Crowd says "awww" and applauds. A single Tuna lands on stage)
Phillip Ellis Sr, the man of the hour begins slowly walking towards the lectern:
(Phillip takes one deep breath. Silence befalls the crowd)
Ummm When I started this job I had made a wager with some of you. You guys bet me that I wouldn't be able to marry the largest woman in town, start a family with her, and stay with her until the day I retired.
(Wife still smiling politely)
. The stakes of the bet were two mackerel, a bucket full of trout and salmon, and a single tuna in that order. Today, I consider ourselves square!!!
(Crowd erupts into applause)
I love each and every one of you!!!
(An orchestra bursts into a bombastic symphony. Fireworks illuminate the entire auditorium. Tears well up in Phil's eyes)
I want a divorce, honey. We're through We're finally through.
(Phil embraces his wife.)
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.