Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
November 3, 2009
: So, where are you from originally?
: Well I was born in Rhode Island, then I moved here in '98 when-
: Oh! '98! That takes me back. You know, the first time Greg's stepfather and I made love was after we went to see Shakespeare In Love.
: Mom! You're meant to be talking to the ugly one. Get in the game!
: So, how about you? Where are you from?
: Why are we in a booth? Do you realize that by being in a booth, three quarters of your vision is impaired? How can we find you a wife-
: Girl, if you can't see anything. You have to think about these things to score to your full potential.
: I'm sick of you nagging me like this! (turning back to the girl) Sorry about that.
: It's OK. Listen, do you want to get out of here? We can talk someplace quieter, maybe
: Yeah, sure! Hey mom! Want to give us a ride back?
: Already? We only just got here.
: Yeah but me and Katie want to-
: Now are you sure that's the one you want? I don't want to go all the way home only for you to change your mind.
: Urgh, this is the mall all over again! You can never just let me hey where'd they go?
: See, this is exactly what I was talking about, Greg. You didn't focus and now you're going to have to go home alone tonight while I pretend not to notice or care as you masturbate in your room.
: No, no. Let's find another girl, then.
: I found one!
: Her? She's a little nerdy OK. I guess.
Mom approaches the girl
: Oh, wow! Is that the new James Patterson book? How is it? I've had it on my Amazon wishlist for weeks but haven't got round to-
: Mom, come on!
: Oh yeah! That's my boy, Greggy over there. Would you like a lift back to our house so you can have sex with him tonight? He's quite good, I think. I cleaned the house before we came out so it would smell nice.
: Uhh No thank you.
: Really? I plugged in his humidifier when I was making sure he'd turned the lights in his room out. The humidity will be perfect.
I have to go.
The girl leaves.
Well, we tried. Guess we should call it a night.
No, come on, I promised. Let's go get you a hooker.
You're the best.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.