Illustrated by Matt Garczynski.
Police Reports from Christmas Stories
By Will Stephen
POLICE REPORTS Case Title DISTURBING THE PEACE Persons Race Age All the Town Children All 6-10 Snowman Iceman A few hours Narrative At around noon on December 23rd, I was working the intersection of Wisconsin Ave. and Prospect St., when I was distracted by the sound of wild, childlike commotion coming from up the hill. I then saw a mob of children erratically flailing about and gleefully screaming, following what appeared to be a globular iceman in a black hat, who was thumpety thump thumping down Wisconsin directly toward me. I blew my whistle and demanded that he stop, but the ice golem continued to thump. The children were encouraging him, and he in return was laughing maniacally, dancing in circles and playing with what appeared to be a broomstick he had perched in between his frail, branch-like arms. As he drew closer, I noticed that the suspect was smoking a corncob pipe, the smell of which indicating of some sort of peppermint-scented intoxicant, likely marijuana. Cars began to swerve off the road and into pedestrians, at which point I drew my gun and fired warning shots into the air. The suspect looked directly at me with his coal black eyes, turned around, and thumped back up the hill as fast as he could, leaving behind the children, who immediately began crying. As their parents were not present, I turned them in to protective services. I then pursued the suspect by vehicle. I rounded the corner and drove two blocks down to Grove and Wisconsin, where I found a heap of snow, upon which lay two branches, two pieces of coal, a carrot, and what I recognized to be the suspect’s hat and pipe. The suspect appeared to have ditched his disguise, publically urinated, and fled the scene. The children have all corroborated that the suspect is widely known to wear his signature hat (most even going as far to say that he cannot “exist” without it). They insist that he has made known his plans to return and thumpity thump again in the near future. Case Title THEFT / SPEEDING Persons Race Age Sleigh Thief (Identity Unknown) Caucasian Childlike Narrative At 1:34 AM on the morning of December 22nd, I responded to a distress call from a local stable owner who reported that one of his horses had been stolen, and then later seen by a pedestrian pulling what appeared to be an open sleigh (make: Toyota, mode: one horse, color: red) southwest down Q St. toward Rushmore Blvd. I intercepted the sleigh at the corner of Edmund and Raleigh, where the driver was laughing and singing at the top of his lungs, continually jingling bells above his head and pushing his horse through oncoming traffic, causing significant distress among other drivers. I blared my siren repeatedly, but the man refused to pull over. He clocked in at 46 MPH, a full 31 over the speed limit. I pulled up alongside him, and implored him to pull over on the megaphone, but the suspect refused to stop and responded to me in song, explaining what fun he was having “o’er the fields”, despite our clearly urban surroundings. He began incomprehensibly babbling about “bobtails” and putting bells on them, so I rammed into the suspect’s sleigh, tilting it over, and dumping the driver into a snowbank. As I took him into custody, the suspect reiterated over and over and over again how much fun he was having driving said sleigh, and clearly did not understand the gravity of his circumstances. Once in the squad car, he sang the same refrain over and over and over again. He is currently under twenty-four hour watch by psychiatric professionals. Case Title ANIMAL ABUSE Persons/Animals Race Age SANTA CLAUS (né Nicholas Claus) Caucasian ~65 (Claims to be hundreds of years old) Narrative On the evening of December 24, I responded to a distress call from some sort of animal at “the North Pole” (exact street address unavailable). The dispatcher informed me that the call was difficult to understand, due to the animal’s lack of proficiency in English, as well as loud background noises of what seemed to be other animals laughing, mocking, and even shoving the caller. I arrived at a large arctic stable and was greeted by an overweight Caucasian man (5’9, 230lbs), identifying himself as “Santa Claus.” He informed me that there had indeed been a disturbance, but that it was all under control now. I asked him to take me inside the stable. He at first refused, but I fired a warning shot into the air, and he duly complied. Inside the stable, I saw eight reindeer living in horrible conditions - ice everywhere, no food in sight - and immediately reported the situation to Animal Control Services. It was then that I saw a smaller, weaker reindeer in the back of the stable, clearly beaten and bruised, although with a distinguishingly bright and oddly colored snout (red, luminous). It glowed, I would even say. I asked Mr. Claus why the runt was in such a horrible state, and he began to tell an incomprehensible story about how the reindeer had been excluded from “various games” that the other reindeer (animals) had been playing. A victim of your run-of-the-mill bullying, he said. It was then that I realized Mr. Claus was intoxicated, likely from marijuana. As I attempted to talk Mr. Claus down, he became very heated and insisted that the runt would be “guiding [his] sleigh” that night, that I “mustn’t hinder [him] bringing joy to all the girls and the boys.” When I asked where exactly they planning going, he said it would be to every Christian home on earth. When asked how, he said that his reindeer would “fly” him there. Questioned further, he repeatedly interrupted me, insisting, “You just have to believe in miracles, my boy.” He was growing erratic, so I knocked him out with the butt of my pistol and brought him into the squad car. Animal Control arrived a few hours later to put down the damaged reindeer. The runt had run - or according to Mr. Claus - “flown” away into the night. Whereabouts unknown. Presumed dead. Case Title BREAKING AND ENTERING / VANDALISM Persons Race Age Flash Mob (20+) Varying Young and Old Narrative At 11:54 on December 24th, I responded to a call from the proprietor of our local Little League Baseball Hall of Fame, who informed me that a group of twenty or so costumed individuals had broken into the Hall and were in the process of vandalizing it. Arriving at the location, I first heard the group’s gathering call. It was repetitive and ear-piercing, seemingly some sort of religious mantra: “Fa-la-la, la-la-la”, etc. Upon entering the Hall, I immediately noticed that the group was all dressed alike. Their apparel could only be described as, well, gay. They were pulling down anything and everything they could from the walls - portraits, trophies, what have you - and replacing them with a green plant: holly, I was later told (although more likely marijuana, I expect). Their motive seemed to be to cause general havoc, although their happy dispositions (revealed by their near constant singing, hugging, and gift exchanging) implied a severe level of thought manipulation and cult-level mind control. Fortunately, all individuals cooperated fully after I fired warning shots into the air, and once incarcerated for the night, proceeded to each decorate their cells. Case Title TRESPASSING / POSSESSION OF NARCOTICS WITH INTENT TO DISTRIBUTE Persons Race Age Mary (Virgin) Middle Eastern 19 Joseph (Carpenter) Middle Eastern 32 Melchior (Wise) Middle Eastern 68 Caspar (Wise) Middle Eastern 74 Balthazar (Wise) Middle Eastern 98 Jesus (Baby) Blonde Haired, Blue Eyed < 1 day Narrative At 4:35 AM on December 25th, I responded to a call from Spud Howitzer, the general manager for the Holiday Inn Express just outside of Bethlehem. He wanted to report some intruders who appeared to be sleeping in their shed out back. I kicked down the door of the shed (and fired repeated warning shots), to find a surprisingly organized and put-together scene. A newborn baby (identified as “Jesus Christ, Savior of Man”) was sleeping in some sort of trough, while five adults and various farm animals (none of which belonged to Howitzer or the Holiday Inn Express) stood symmetrically around him. A disturbingly picturesque scene, frankly. The three older men (who had brought camels, goats, and chickens) stood at the back, two of whom were each burning some sort of opiate-like intoxicant (likely marijuana), while the last had hundreds of thousands of dollars in pure gold on his person (potentially related to the distribution of said intoxicants). They said they had followed a large light in the sky to the Holiday Inn Express (presumably the Inn’s new neon sign installed this week, Howitzer said). They wisely refused to provide much more information (they were very wise), but came without much fight, which was wise. I tried to confirm with Mary, the mother of the baby, that Joseph (the carpenter accompanying her), was indeed the child’s father, but her response was muddled and illogical. Joseph did not wish to participate in the line of questioning, but when I insisted he respond, he put his head in his hands, shrugged, and said “Sure, what she said. At this point, I don’t even know.” They insisted that their trespassing was prophesied, and are currently being held for further questioning. Paternity tests on the child have been inconclusive. Case Title PUBLIC INDECENCY / HARASSMENT Persons Race Age Paul McCartney Beatle 70 Narrative Mr. McCartney (5’10, 165lbs) wrote the song “Wonderful Christmastime.” When the SWAT team arrived at his door, he came willingly.