Guidelines for the South Beach Diet as They Exist in my Head

By Molly Schoemann

h2=. DAY ONE

|*Breakfast:*|  Two scrambled eggs with two slices turkey bacon, or mix in 1 Tb sugar-free salsa.|
|*Mid-Morning Snack:*|  Sliced red bell pepper and 2 Tb hummus.|
|*Lunch:*|  Wrap two slices of lunch meat around a slice of cheese and a lettuce leaf.  Make three of these.  Later, notice that your keyboard smells faintly of ham.  When you're sure no one is looking, sniff keyboard.|
|*Afternoon Snack:*          |  Celery sticks with dairy-free cream cheese and ham-fingers.|
|*Dinner:*|  Heat a can of black beans, 1/3 avocado, 1 Tb low-fat cheddar cheese.  Sprinkle with self-pity and doubt.  Maybe you can just buy all new pants?|
|*Evening Snack:*|  Glass of tap-flavored water.|








h2=. DAY TWO

|*Breakfast:*|  2 cups steamed broccoli.  Low-fat cheese stick and the plastic packaging it came in.|
|*Mid-Morning Snack:*|  Wipe onion bagel across plate. Discard bagel. Lick plate.|
|*Lunch:*|  Wrap a slice of ham around a cruller you find in the break room and place it on the counter.  Leave the break room.  Return after five minutes and casually notice the ham-wrapped cruller.  Say, "Oh, a piece of ham.  I am allowed to have that on my diet."  Eat the ham-wrapped cruller.  Wallow in shame.|
|*Afternoon Snack:*|  Place fruit cup in empty parking lot.  Do donuts around it in your car while screaming.|
|*Late Afternoon Snack:*|  Stand next to a cake.  Bury face in hands.|
|*Dinner:*|  Grilled salmon fillet, side of kale sautéed with garlic.|
|*Evening Snack:*|  Rub nose vigorously across a packet of hot cocoa mix.|








h2=. DAY THREE

|*Breakfast:*|  Pantomime pouring milk and then cereal into an empty bowl on the kitchen counter.  Have a cigarette.|
|*Mid-Morning Snack:*|  Can of lukewarm V-8.|
|*Late-Morning Snack:*|  Place a slice of bologna on a plate.  Give it two green olive eyes, and a disapproving baby carrot mouth.  Imagine that it is your mother.  Fall on your knees and cry, "Why was I never good enough?!"|
|*Lunch:*|  Pile plate with lettuce leaves, attempt to light on fire.  Laugh maniacally.|
|*Afternoon Snack:*|  Observe as coworker becomes a giant turkey leg that won't stop talking about its kids.|
|*Dinner:*|  Sit in a chair facing the wall with bottle of bourbon balanced between knees.|
|*Evening Snack:*|  Moisten a rag, wipe across the surface of Birthday Cake™ scented Yankee Candle, place over nose and mouth.  Inhale deeply.|