Guidelines for the South Beach Diet as They Exist in my Head
By Molly Schoemann
h2=. DAY ONE
|*Breakfast:*| Two scrambled eggs with two slices turkey bacon, or mix in 1 Tb sugar-free salsa.|
|*Mid-Morning Snack:*| Sliced red bell pepper and 2 Tb hummus.|
|*Lunch:*| Wrap two slices of lunch meat around a slice of cheese and a lettuce leaf. Make three of these. Later, notice that your keyboard smells faintly of ham. When you're sure no one is looking, sniff keyboard.|
|*Afternoon Snack:* | Celery sticks with dairy-free cream cheese and ham-fingers.|
|*Dinner:*| Heat a can of black beans, 1/3 avocado, 1 Tb low-fat cheddar cheese. Sprinkle with self-pity and doubt. Maybe you can just buy all new pants?|
|*Evening Snack:*| Glass of tap-flavored water.|
h2=. DAY TWO
|*Breakfast:*| 2 cups steamed broccoli. Low-fat cheese stick and the plastic packaging it came in.|
|*Mid-Morning Snack:*| Wipe onion bagel across plate. Discard bagel. Lick plate.|
|*Lunch:*| Wrap a slice of ham around a cruller you find in the break room and place it on the counter. Leave the break room. Return after five minutes and casually notice the ham-wrapped cruller. Say, "Oh, a piece of ham. I am allowed to have that on my diet." Eat the ham-wrapped cruller. Wallow in shame.|
|*Afternoon Snack:*| Place fruit cup in empty parking lot. Do donuts around it in your car while screaming.|
|*Late Afternoon Snack:*| Stand next to a cake. Bury face in hands.|
|*Dinner:*| Grilled salmon fillet, side of kale sautéed with garlic.|
|*Evening Snack:*| Rub nose vigorously across a packet of hot cocoa mix.|
h2=. DAY THREE
|*Breakfast:*| Pantomime pouring milk and then cereal into an empty bowl on the kitchen counter. Have a cigarette.|
|*Mid-Morning Snack:*| Can of lukewarm V-8.|
|*Late-Morning Snack:*| Place a slice of bologna on a plate. Give it two green olive eyes, and a disapproving baby carrot mouth. Imagine that it is your mother. Fall on your knees and cry, "Why was I never good enough?!"|
|*Lunch:*| Pile plate with lettuce leaves, attempt to light on fire. Laugh maniacally.|
|*Afternoon Snack:*| Observe as coworker becomes a giant turkey leg that won't stop talking about its kids.|
|*Dinner:*| Sit in a chair facing the wall with bottle of bourbon balanced between knees.|
|*Evening Snack:*| Moisten a rag, wipe across the surface of Birthday Cake™ scented Yankee Candle, place over nose and mouth. Inhale deeply.|