Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
How to Be the Female Protagonist of an Hourlong Drama
January 30, 2014
Drink a lot of red wine. Never get drunk.
Wear pantsuits. On days when you don't wear pantsuits, wear blazers and formal slacks. When you get home, wear casual slacks and some type of cashmere knit on top.
Have straight hair. Curly hair is for weaklings and administrative assistants.
Speak as vaguely as possible, in full sentences. The majority of your sentences should be able to function out of context as Zen koans. (Example: "I said to you, if you breathe, I will walk. I am not yours. I do what is asked. You breathed. I walked.")
Always be ready with a biting remark that shows sexist stupid small men that they're being sexist and stupid and small and they should give you what you want already.
Have an immaculate apartment that you never clean.
Don't talk about your family. If someone asks, you can let slip that you had brothers and you routinely bested them at stereotypically manly tasks. (For example, they couldn't bear to see the pigs slaughtered. So you did it YOURSELF.)
Have a stone face. Never visibly react to anything. Allow nothing to penetrate your steely resolve.
Don't sleep. When people tell you that you need to get some rest (which they will, constantly), ignore them.
Have an uncanny ability to be better at your job than anyone else who works with you. (Anyone who doesn't work directly with you is both an unpleasant person and borderline incompetent at their job.)
About once a day, say a cutting zinger to someone you're talking to and then immediately leave the room. They'll sit there startled like, "Whoa. Did not expect to get zinged like that."
Have a past that you refuse to talk about with anyone. If they really seem trustworthy, give the slightest hint of an impression that someone or something once hurt you in some way and now you are so tough that you will never be hurt again.
If you have sex, be less attached afterwards than your partner. (Because of your past.) Then cheat on them.
Never, ever apologize. For anything.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.