Everyone loves the Titanic, but like WHY? We got some big ol' tasty issues with it. It's a real big stinker.

 


10. Rose Is All, "I'm Gonna Kill Myself." 

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When you first meet Rose (Kate Winslet), she's all about how she's tired of the parties and the debutantes and basically just so over being RAF (Rich As Fuck). So instead of running away or hanging out with the Downton Abbey crew, she tries to kill herself off the boat. Then Jack stops her, and she just totally goes back to being normal. Girl, you almost threw yourself overboard, and then you just go back to sipping chamomile tea?


9. Jack Has One Friend and His Name Is Fabrizio

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That's the dude's name. Fabrizio. Like Italian Febreeze. I know James Cameron did massive backstory research for all the extras on this show, so I'm willing to believe Fabrizio is a legit name. But when you win tickets on the Titanic, you get to do stuff like change your name to something fancier, like Nigel.


8. The Way the Whoopie Car Steams Up  

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So Jack and Rose go down below to the cargo hold and make whoopie in someone's 1912 Renault Type CB Coupe de Ville. And the entire automobile steams up. Like, how would that the car even get warm enough to steam up so you can see a sweaty handprint mark the glass? Uh, aren't you guys about to hit an ICEBERG?! Isn't it FREEZING IN THE WHOOPIE CAR?!


7. The Unsinkable Molly Brown Gets No Respect

I luuurve me some Kathy Bates. Yet in Titanic, she makes a few quips and teaches Jack how to use silverware. Hello! The Unsinkable Molly Brown was a boss ass bitch -- she was fluent in four languages and ran for Senate! And all she gets to do in this movie is give fork lessons? Later she makes a fuss about going back to save the other passengers but by that time it's like way over 2 hours into this movie and no one cares.


6. Rose Suddenly Knows Crazy Ballet

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She and Jack sneak down to hang out with the Poors and knock back Guiness or something, and suddenly she gets the urge to be a show off on the dance floor with an insane ballet move without any kind of shoes. C'mon, Rose. You have money, and the Poors have this. Stop trying to steal their thunder.  


5. Billy. Effing. Zane

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He's got that crazy look in his eyes for the entire movie and slaps Rose, then realizes his fiance hates him (it took you until now to realize this?) and gets Jack locked up at the bottom of the boat, then steals a gun and chases said finance new lov-ah in a dining room flood. This crazy mothereffer.

4. Rose LETS JACK GO  

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All they say, for a good minute, is how they'll never let each other go. And then...PLOP! BYE JACK! Never mind that there is definitely space for two on that floating door. I mean, you're not even trying at the end. And you just said you'd never let go. Y'ALL WERE JUST IN THE BOAT'S BANG BUS AND YOU PRACTICALLY PUSH HIM DOWN INTO THE ICY SEA. My heart will never go on after that.


3. This Movie Never Ends 

I read somewhere the original cut was 36 hours. The final cut is 194 minutes. In other words, it just feels like 36 hours. The only parts we have to keep are hitting the iceberg, and when that dude hits the propeller of the boat, because people falling is always funny.

 

2. Old Rose Throws away Money and Dies. Doesn't She Have a Daughter?

She just chucked like, billions of dollars into the ocean. That money could've been donated to Titanic survivors and their families. Or it could've paid for like, two people to go to a state college. Or it probably would've fixed the national debt. Seriously, she's just rubbing it in the face of all those dead Poors. Once RAF, always RAF, you selfish bitch.


1. This Movie Was Made Solely for Girls Ages 11-16.

Everything about the movie's story screams like an entry from an old diary of a tortured sophomore. My parents won't let me do what I want! I just met you like a few seconds ago and now I love you! I'm gonna have sex in a car! Well, the ship sinks, you let go of him, and he dies. Take note, young ladies. It's better to stay rich and arrange an elaborate murder to get rid of anyone you don't like than run off with a Poor.