I'm fully aware that everyone has their own personal fetishes and that porn of every kind exists, and I'm TOTALLY cool with that, and would never judge someone for what they're into (within legal limits, obviously). But there's a number of themes in pornography that are SO overwhelmingly common, it really makes me wonder, "Is this what everyone finds sexy??" Here are 10 of these way-too-common threads in porn:

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I understand that porn actresses are going out of their way to extra-convey the ecstasy they're experiencing, but there's a fine line between "making audible pleasurable noises" and "emitting pained-sounding shrill high-pitched whines non-stop for twenty minutes regadless of what's happening."


Also, the noises begin one one-billionth of a second after the sex has started, so you know they're real.



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I don't mean threesomes or orgies, I'm talking about multiple separate couples each having sex in one big hotel room or college dorm with little or no regard for one another and no explanation for why this scenario is occurring.


I'm a pretty self-conscious person, particularly during sex, and I literally can't think of a more terrifying experience than having sex with someone several feet away from multiple other strangers also having sex. Why don't the people go, like, anywhere else? Whose idea was this giant casual fuckroom? Because that guy took an extremely bold stab but it paid off. Really organized everything well, too.

I can't even, like, drink beers without making sure I'm not going too much faster or slower than everyone around me.



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I've tried this before! It's called "attempting to have sex while you're blackout drunk but also too drunk to know you shouldn't be attempting to have sex." It stops being pleasant after a while, and I'm saying that as a non-vagina-haver, so I can imagine it can get even more unpleasant on the other end of things.


There's certainly nothing wrong with taking your time in the bedroom, but I've rarely ever had the thought "That sex was pretty good, but would've been outstanding if it were the length of an entire AMC Drama."


You ARE allowed to have regular-length sex multiple times, you don't have to cram it all into one big dry Plowathon on a series of increasingly orange couches.



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WATCH: This Young Blonde SLUT Has Consensual Sex With A Guy! WHAT A WHOREY SLUTFACE!!!


What is your fucking problem, titles of videos? No one I'd ever associate with in my life would ever actually call people these things. And yeah, granted, they're appearing in filmed videos where they perform sex acts, but we're also seeking these videos out so we can masturbate to them, so who the fuck are we to judge?


If anything, we should be complimenting them for boldly providing us horny timids with content to watch discreetly. Maybe something more along the lines of, "Heroic Lady Courageously Helps Us Continue To Secretly Be Gross Animals."



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Wait a minute, is this how I'm supposed to act during sex? Just super emotionless and businesslike while my lady is making whiny siren noises start-to-finish? Because truthfully, I'm enjoying this quite a bit. Ehhh, better not let this girl I like know that she's causing me pleasure, she'd probably hate that.


Also, am I supposed to be a schlubby bald dude with jarringly pink skin? I did not realize that's what women have been after this whole time.



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I'm not doubting that there's some deep reptilian-brain part of the male psyche that responds to feeling 'dominant' in a sexual situation, but why do literally 99% of porn scenarios end with the guy angrily ejactulating on the woman's face? What if -- and I'm just throwing out crazy suggestions here -- some scenarios ended with a female orgasm? Or a simultaneous one? Not ALL of them, just, maybe, THREE percent? FOUR? Too crazy? Ehh yeah sorry n/m, carry on.



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Hey, the girl in this one is super attractive with an amazing body! The only way this could get SEXIER is if the camera zooms WAY in on the genitalia to the point where you have no idea what's what and all you can make out is vaguely moving flesh, then keep the camera there for nine straight minutes! Then loop those 9 minutes three more times for a full half hour so we're basically watching a nondescript moving anatomy diagram. Someone in Hollywood hire this cinematographer ASAP! I'll make some calls.



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One of the more bizarre but strangely common occurrences all throughout different types of porn is when someone's (usually giant) penis goes limp or semi-limp and they just stick it in like nothing's wrong and plow right through. Are either of them enjoying this? Is this even possible? Are they too cheap to retake this, or is this just a normal thing people are doing? How does the sex go on for thirty-five more minutes?



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Teacher/Student, Sexy Nurse, etc, whatever, obviously people have their own roleplaying fantasies and real life 'taboo' scenarios and that's fine! But there's also an insanely high number of 'sexy' scenarios that not only aren't things you'd normally think of as sexy, but they aren't even things you'd even think of as 'scenarios.'

Stuff like, "Teen Census Taker Goes To TOWN On Lonely MILF He Got A Ride From Twice When His Dad's Car Was In The Shop... And Her Dumbass Husband Just Sits There Eating Lean Cuisine The Whole Time (HD)" Are people turned on by specificity?


I once saw an actual video titled, verbatim, "Three Schoolgirls Get Naughty... During Finals Week". What does Finals Week have to do with anything? Is that someone's ultra-specific fetish? That things get 'hotter' when the people in the video are wasting valuable studying time?



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WHY DOES NO ONE LOOK LIKE A HUMAN??? Eh, I guess this is what sex people look like? Whatever. [Proceeds to just accept it for the next 45 minutes] Wait, that was 45 minutes?? Shit, what a waste of time. I could've read, like, part of a Tolstoy novel. I really need to start using my time better. Starting this exact moment. [Closes every tab. Reopens every tab 18 hours later.] Dammit.