undefined

Well, I know I'm the only one in the apartment, but what if one of my roommates snuck in during the five minutes I was on Facebook? Better check if they're being creepily silent and hiding in the shower for some reason.

undefined 

This wayI'll at least have some warning before anyone comes through the door. And I'll be able to explain the locked door, which I never normally lock when I'm just hanging out at home, by saying "DEFINITELY WASN'T JACKING OFF IN CASE THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE THINKING."

undefined

Time to enter "MYSTERY SECRET NINJA HACKER MODE" by using this widely-known, commonly-used feature included in every browser owned by a major corporation. Pretty sure this is what "the darknet" is.

undefined

These walls are pretty thin - plus what if the NSA is listening in somehow and find out I'm watching porn? The NSA and/or my neighbors would definitely be the type to blackmail me, a person who has time to watch porn on a Wednesday afternoon.

undefined

No judgment here, but also I'm not sure what people consider weird, so I'm not super comfortable with providing examples, so I'll play it safe and say something general like "extremely pregnant barely legal MILF DVDA anal hentai 1080p."

undefined

 "SexxxGerbilJizzSplurt.ru"?

"CumBinXXXXXXXfreeXXXXlegal.novirus"?

Man, if only OH WAIT Pornhub exists nvm.

undefined

Whew, still off. That coulda been a close one. Not this time, NSA.

undefined

Hell yeah, time to do this. Really hope Heaven isn't real so my dead grandparents can't see me right now.

undefined

I'm ALREADY ON porn - why are you trying to sell me on DIFFERENT PORNS?

undefined

Well, at least it downloaded something called "Real Actual Antivirus 2009 dot exe". That should come in handy.

undefined

That's so fucked up. Who gets off to that? Anyways, back to the normal thing I'm about to masturbate to, actual human beings having sex in a way that would be absolutely miserable in real life for both of them.

undefined

Man, that camera man REALLY got those taint-area shots, huh? The Terrence Malick of taint shots, this guy. Also 65% positive? Not an encouraging rating. Although I'm not really sure what kind of people actually log in to porn sites to give positive or negative feedback on a video. Better open up literally every related video, since human sexuality on the internet has become a creepy version of Old Country Buffet.

undefined

AKA "tricking your genitals into thinking they're having sex." Nothing like giving your dick/vagina the Punk'd treatment.

undefined

Oh god what am I doing? Why did I do that? I'm disgusting. Oh god this is so gross.

undefined

Gross gross gross get out of here porn tabs I NEVER WANTED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE ugggggggh

undefined

Gross gross gross get out of here porn tabs I NEVER WANTED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE ugggggggh

undefined

Oh god, I can't text my mom THIS soon after doing THAT. She'll know. I don't know how, but she'll definitely know. Better just surf Facebook until I feel like masturbating again in 4 hours.