1. The Sultan (Aladdin)

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How bad are things in Agrabah? Well, the main character in Aladdin is a desperately poor kid commonly referred to as a "street rat", hand-chopping is the standard mode of punishment for stealing apples, and - hell - poverty is so rampant that there are children whose next meal is dependent on the generosity of a monkey.

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But none of this is the fault of the villainous Jafar - no, the one at fault for the rampant poverty and backwards-ness of Agrabah is none other than the (seemingly) genial Sultan. Plump and tiny, he's supposed to be the one we want in charge of the place - but he's allowed wealth inequality to run rampant. While his citizens are starving in the streets, he and his daughter live a life so lavish that it literally requires the wish of a magical genie to replicate it.

Sorry Sultan, but you're a shitty ruler. And those kids are probabbbbly gonna get ebola.

 

2. Mufasa (The Lion King)

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Ohhhh fuck you Mufasa. Sure, you SEEM all wise and honorable, but deep down you're the head of a DEEPLY fucked-up regime.

See, lions are commonly referred to as "kings of the jungle", but when you make them LITERAL kings, things start getting weird. I mean - every animal in the Savannah literally BOWS DOWN to them...but WHY? It's not like Mufasa (or any of the lions) represent some kind of benevolent ruling class. Fuck, the gazelles bow down to him even though they're his primary source of food. Imagine your king making you bow down to him and then him turning around and CONSUMING YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY.

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Now I'm not saying he DESERVED to get run down by a herd of wildebeest, but...yeah nevermind that's exactly what I'm saying.

 

3. The Beast (Beauty and the Beast)

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I don't care how sweet "The Beast" apparently is by the end of the film - beyond the fact that he's a kidnapping, potentially abusive monster, he doesn't give a SHIT about the situation his servants are in. Literally HUNDREDS of his servants have been transformed into household furniture and silverware by no fault of their own - and their only hope of being transformed back into humans is if the Beast finds love FAST.

And what does the Beast do? JACK SHIT. He chills in his palatial estate, being an awesome cool beast-man with a rad singing voice, while his maid's SON is stuck being a teacup. Did he try going out and searching for love? Did he proactively do ANYTHING so that his servants would have a shot at returning to their natural forms? Noooooope.

Sidenote: why the hell did he need THAT MANY servants? Seriously - based on the silverware alone, there must have been HUNDREDS. There wasn't even a royal family they were serving - just one selfish dude.


Luckily, a hot chick who was into being kidnapped sorta fell into his lap, but if not for Belle, the goddamn DOG woulda been stuck as an ottoman for eternity. Gaston, while a total dick, is still cooler than you, Beast.



4. Anita (101 Dalmatians)

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Sure, we all have friends that are kinda dickholes - but none compare to Anita's pal, Cruella De Vil. And while we shouldn't entirely blame Anita for the actions of her psychopath schoolmate, we need to blame her A LITTLE BIT. Seriously - what redeeming qualities does Cruella have? Why are you allowing her into your life AT ALL? Her name is CRUELLA DE VIL. Her family home is literally called HELL HALL. WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND YOU NEED TO CUT TIES WITH THIS PERSON, ANITA?

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"Eccentric" is the worst thing you're willing to call the woman who plans on skinning 99 puppies and turning them into a coat? It's time to take responsibility for the people you bring into your home, Anita.

 

5. The Seven Dwarfs (Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs)

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How many blood diamonds do you think the seven dwarfs dig up PER DAY?

What I'm getting at is - that's an INSANE diamond/ruby/Heart of the Sea mine that these seven singular-personality-trait dudes seems to have all to themselves - and I don't buy it. I don't buy that these dudes are the only ones interested in that mine - how many dwarves were there originally? How many have they killed so that they could hoard their insane wealth among only 7?

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Even if you DON'T think they've murdered 95 fellow dwarves (my working theory), they're already absurdly rich beyond measure - what they pull in in a single day is bigger than the GDP of most developed nations. And they're definitely not spending any of their crazy wealth - they live a modest life in a tiny cottage. The only thing even resembling charity is their free room and board for a lady who eats anything handed to her by strangers, apparently.

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Seriously, donate ONE diamond to an orphanage or something, you greedy dwarves. Or give Sneezy some money to see a doctor for god's sake.

 

6. Geppetto (Pinocchio)

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It's pretty obvious that Geppetto shouldn't have a kid - he's super old, super poor, and he spends his time making puppets and wishing they were real (pretty clear sign that he's at least a little bit mentally-unbalanced). This is not an ideal parent for a kid - still, it'd be hard to argue that he didn't have a lot of love in his old man heart for his terrifying living wooden doll son.

Still - he's OLD. Geppetto can't be more than 5 years away from death or senility, whichever comes first - and either of which would make him completely worthless as a parent. And he thinks he should be the caregiver to a mutated puppet-child? Sorry dude, but that's pretty selfish and short-sighted. That kid deserves a decent home, and I'm afraid a super old dude and a dressed-up, star-gazing bug aren't going to be able to provide that. Pinocchio's gonna be living as an orphan again in no time, and I really don't think that a fancy grasshopper can handle this alone.

 

7. Elsa (Frozen)

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HOW MANY PEOPLE DID YOUR SUDDEN WINTER SPELL KILL, ELSA? HUH? YOU BASICALLY JUST DID THE PLOT OF 'THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW" BUT FOR REAL. THE CROPS WILL FAIL, LIVESTOCK WILL DIE - THERE IS GONNA BE NO GODDAMN FOOD LEFT IN ARENDELLE FOR A YEAR. CAN'T REALLY "LET THAT GO", CAN YOU?

ALSO YOU MADE A DRESS OUT OF ICE OR SOMETHING. THAT'S GOTTA BE COLD AS SHIT, RIGHT? SORRY, JUST IN A "YELL-Y" MOOD RIGHT NOW.