1. The title doesn't make any sense.

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The hell does "Space Jam" mean? Most of the movie (and the actual basketball tournament) takes place far, far below the Earth's surface, which is pretty much the opposite of space. I know the bad guy aliens come from space, but the actual jamming is done way, way far away from space. Like, literally UNDER THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH.

2. Do the Looney Tunes characters live in Hell?

Speaking of....do the Looney Tunes characters all live in Hell? Is that what their dimension is? Michael Jordan is literally pulled into the bowels of the Earth to enter their world - and "deep underground" is a thing USUALLY associated with Hell. Plus, the whole nature of the Looney Tunes seems at least a little Hell-ish: it's a world where you never age and are constantly subjected to horrifying violence but still cannot die....

I guess "Hell Jam" was just a less interesting title?



3. Why wouldn't Michael Jordan just get his own publicist? How is he ASSIGNED Wayne Knight?

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Do you remember the 90s? Yes, Buzzfeed articles, I know YOU do, but for the rest of you - Michael Jordan was HUGE. The BIGGEST celebrity and sports star around, basically a god amongst men. Dude was beyond rich, beyond famous - he was MICHAEL (no B.) JORDAN. And since the movie character is ostensibly basically the same person, it would stand to reason that he would have his own TEAM of publicists already - and they wouldn't be goofy, clumsy weirdos like Wayne Knight, they would be the most polished, professional publicists money could buy.

4. Why would Swackhammer assume the Looney Tunes are real?

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Mr. Swackhammer (aka Alien Danny Devito) is ranting to his minions about his amusement park's poor performance as of late, and how they need something new to reinvigorate the place. While doing so, he accidentally sits on his TV remote, which turns on....like, 80 different Looney Tunes cartoons across 80 TVs. Not gonna question how pressing one button on a remote does that (are there 80 separate DVD players are lined up to a different cartoon? Are there 80 separate TV channels all playing different episodes at the same time for some reason?), but the weird thing is that Swackhammer instantly recognizes them and says "Yes! Bring me the Looney Tunes!"

Couple problems here:

  • if he is already familiar with the Looney Tunes, shouldn't he be aware they're cartoon characters? And also FROM 30 YEARS AGO?
  • even though HE'S a cartoon, shouldn't he be aware all of these were just animations drawn by actual humans?

The implication (I guess?) is that the show Looney Tunes was actually a DOCUMENTARY filmed INSIDE THE CORE OF THE EARTH and NO ONE ON THE TV NETWORKS THAT AIRED THE SHOWS THOUGHT THAT WAS AT ALL CONCERNING. So the movie Space Jam takes place in an alternate reality where Chuck Jones doesn't exist, and a film crew traveled to hell to film cartoon rabbits and ducks pulling pranks on each other.

5. Why did the Nerdlucks choose those 5 specific basketball players?

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The Nerdlucks go to a LOT of trouble to steal the basketball skills of 5 players -  Charles Barkley, Shawn Bradley, Patrick Ewing, Larry Johnson, and Muggsy Bogues. All very talented players - but why those 5?! Let's presume this takes place during the 1994-1995 season - the last one before Michael Jordan returned to the Bulls. The top players would probably be:

  • David Robinson (that season's MVP)
  • Shaquille O'Neal (PPG leader)
  • Dennis Rodman (RPG leader)
  • Dikembe Mutombo (Defensive Player of the Year)
  • John Stockton (Assist leader)

Hell, of the players they DID choose, the only player who was ever a Player of the Month was Patrick Ewing (although Larry Johnson and Charles Barkley each had a few Player of the Week awards). These were all good players, but they wouldn't be the first five you go to for raw talent.

6. ...and SPEAKING OF RAW TALENT - WHY THE HELL DIDN'T THE NERDLUCKS STEAL MICHAEL FUCKING JORDAN'S BASKETBALL SKILLS?

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The Nerdlucks are stealing TALENT - so it shouldn't matter whether an extremely talented basketball player is CURRENTLY playing basketball. Michael Jordan - though at the time playing minor league baseball - was still renowned as the greatest basketball player to have ever lived. This was not a secret, and it's not like his talent had dissipated (especially since he would soon return to the NBA and sweep up another 3 Championships immediately). SO WHY WOULDN'T HE BE THE FIRST ONE THE NERDLUCKS STEAL FROM?

7. Michael Jordan's kids should be way more freaked out two cartoon characters are robbing the house for their dad, WHO IS MISSING.

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Listen, I liked the Looney Tunes a lot when I was a kid - but if they suddenly entered the realm of reality and started robbing my house, I wouldn't just be like "Oh, those are the funny cartoon characters!" I would FREAK THE HELL OUT. And yet Michael Jordan's (movie) children seem enormously chill with the fact that some Looney Tunes characters have broken into their house and are in the midst of robbing them - all for their father apparently, who - by the way - has gone missing after being sucked INTO HELL IN FRONT OF BILL MURRAY.

Bugs Bunny telling you that your dad is in Hell helping cartoon characters win a basketball game against aliens shouldn't be a comforting thought, it should make you the most freaked out you've ever been in your life.

8. Speaking of, Michael Jordan's family should be EXTREMELY concerned that he's dead.

Michael Jordan was SUCKED INTO A 2-INCH WIDE HOLE IN THE GROUND. Best case scenario, he's been kidnapped and is badly injured. Worst case scenario, his bones and organs were squeezed into a fine paste the instant he went through the hole. Regardless, his family should be TERRIFIED. They should be a wreck, assuming something truly horrible has happened to Michael. After all, the movie takes place over the course of AT LEAST a few weeks, with no actual communication from Jordan to his family (except a vague message from two IRL cartoon characters).

And yet....there are no police at the house, the kids seem totally chill, and Jordan's wife seems completely nonplussed when Jordan returns ON A CARTOON SPACESHIP. She's just politely clapping?! YOUR HUSBAND WAS JUST MAGICALLY RETURNED AFTER BEING ASSUMED DEAD FOR WEEKS!



9. Where the hell did Lola come from?

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Lola, the creepily sexy new bunny, just sorta...appears all of a sudden. It just seemed like the hellscape nightmare underworld of the Looney Tunes was pretty tight-knit - all the characters present were the ones from the cartoons from 30 years ago. Kinda weird there was ANOTHER rabbit living there who no one had ever seen before, right? Unless there are whole other Looney Tunes settlements including characters no one had ever seen before, which would at least explain this:

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If any Looney Tunes characters belong in an unseen portion of Hell, it's Loonatics Unleashed.



10. Why isn't Marvin the Martian playing for the Toons? Why is he a referee?

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I mean, shouldn't he...

OH WAIT.

OH SHIT IT'S BECAUSE HE'S BOTH A TOON AND AN ALIEN!!

That's actually...amazing. Wow.

Anyways, LeBron James - make Space Jam 2 ASAP. It's the best cartoon-meets-real-life movie since Roger Rabbit, it has one of the greatest soundtracks of the mid-90s, and it's just really FUN. We could use more movies like Space Jam.