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Not only have you just fucked up verbally, but you've also reminded your waiter that they're not going to be eating; you are. They might be very hungry. But they've gotta keep working while your face gets greasier and greasier. Nice going, pal!

 

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You signal for the car to go, but they signal for you to go and then YOU BOTH START TO GO. And then you both stop. It's the worst because either you're dead or the driver's killed someone. Stakes are high. Triple points for discomfort if you're in your neighborhood so you and the driver of the car most likely know each other.

 

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Now you have to explain why your hands are wet and assure the other person that "you JUST washed your hands" while they sort of retract and think that you peed on your hands or something.

 

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What do you do when you see the cast of Full House's kids? Do you brag about it later? No, because then you have to explain that you watch all of their make-up tutorials on YouTube and that's another reason for people to feel sad for you. (But also it's so cool seeing ANY celebrity that you need to tell someone.)

 

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Hopefully it's your mom's friend! The one who talks an awful lot about your mom's other friends. The one your mom "likes but can be a bit much with the gossip." And hopefully you're with your significant other when this happens! ;)

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Is there a better moment for flopsweat than the moment at ANY orientation when we're all going around the circle saying fun facts? Sure, you thought you were interesting, but DAMN, these people came prepared. You sit there listening to people talk about meeting Ringo Starr (easily the fourth coolest Beatle) and people who went sky-diving and people who are Beyoncé's siblings and then when it gets to you all of a sudden your fun fact is, "My hair is brown." Which may or may not even be true. Not fun, not a fact. Great work, self.

 

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Sometimes we swing our arms and sometimes we accidentally brush our hands against other people's hands. Which is bad enough. But sometimes we accidentally graze a butt and unless you're willing to walk faster or infinitely slower, you have to walk by the person you just got intimate with for a while. 10 points if it's someone you don't know. 20 points if it's someone you do know.

 

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When people are talking under their breath - especially people that are soft-spoken in general - it's generally protocol to just laugh along politely at whatever they say instead of wasting ten minutes saying, "WHAT?!" over and over again. Until you see that they aren't laughing with you. They're very distressed. They're looking at you incredulously and you have to ask, "What? Sorry, didn't hear you." That's when you find out Grandma Miller's dead and you just laughed at it.

 

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Letting the computer get the best of you and accidentally sending a half written email to someone important, like a professor or doctor or the president, is mortifying. Especially if you just send a greeting but were also anticipating a much longer email. The frantic race between you finishing an actual email and them checking their email to find, "Hi, I hope you" is one of the more stressful moments to experience as a human.

 

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Man! Between spending most of our lives in everyone's ways and the other part of our lives trying to avoid the above situations, being a person is horrible. Luckily we'll live in a world where we only communicate via brain computers in, like, five years, but until then we've gotta keep proving that our chair was making the farting noise and that we're not drunk if we're falling on the subway.