1. Hitler was constantly farting.

hitler

Hitler reportedly had "uncontrollable flatulence" - the cause of which is still unknown, but he and his doctors suspected it may have been the result of his vegetarian diet. How many people do you think referred to him as "Der Farter" instead of "Der Fuhrer" or whatever in the bunker? Probably a lot.



2. He pulled a lot of shitty pranks.

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Surprise, surprise - Hitler was bad at winning wars, bad growing full mustaches, and downright terrible at pranks. In the right hands, pranks can be fun and lighthearted - but pranks are the goddamn worst thing with people who don't know what they're doing. Like, imagine Michael Scott trying to pull a prank - it would go badly and he'd either injure or deeply insult someone and it would be awkward and Jim would make that face and we'd all be like "man, remember when this show used to be good?"

Anyways, Hitler was EVEN WORSE at pranks than that - Ernst Hanfstaengl was a high-ranking officer in Germany during World War II who had gotten on Hitler's bad side by making some snide comments about the Spanish Civil War. So Hitler put him on a plane and told him he'd be getting dropped into the WRONG side of the Spanish Civil War (aka the side Germany was fighting against), which basically meant certain death.

After a while, the plane's pilot feigned a malfunction and made an emergency landing...at the Leipzig Airport in Germany. Because the plane was never flying towards Spain to begin with - it was circling Germany the entire flight, but Hitler thought it would be hilarious to make Hanfstaengl think he was being sent on a suicide mission! Oh well, shitty prank, but no real harm done.

Except Hanfstaengl defected to the Allies soon after, and gave them a ton of top secret info he was privy to.

jim



3. Hitler was basically always on some kind of drug.

hitlerbreakingbad

Hitler was basically a less lovable version of Jesse from Breaking Bad - he used cocaine (for sinuses), meth, and even had bull semen injected into him (thinking it would increase his libido).

Many of Hitler's drugs were provided his personal medical physician, Theodor Morell - a man who had been dismissed by many other high-ranking Nazis as a complete quack. And for good reason! To help Hitler with his morning grogginess, he injected him with a solution comprised of water and meth. Finally, the connection between Hitler and Breaking Bad we were all waiting for.



4. Hitler couldn't handle scenes of violence against animals in movies.

oldyeller

It's pretty well known Hitler was a vegetarian in his adult life (with possibly a few exceptions) - and not for health reasons either (necessarily). It seemed that Hitler felt eating meat was morally wrong, and that the slaughter of animals for food was cruel and disgusting. It's weird where moral lines get drawn, huh?

Anyways, Hitler hated the thought of animals coming to harm so much that when he was watching movies, he would close his eyes or turn away if there were ever a scene depicting violence against animals, and wait for someone to tell him when the scene had ended.

I mean - it's nice that Hitler didn't wanna hurt animals, but what a huge baby. It's a movie, dude! You're responsible for one of the most gruesome genocides ever and the largest war in history, you should be able to handle this stuff.

 

5. Hitler never got married because he was convinced he was super hot.

adolf

Well, to be fair, Hitler and Eva Braun WERE married, about a day or two before they committed suicide as part of the least romantic honeymoon in history. But prior to that, Hitler had been in a romantic relationship with Braun for over a decade - but refused to wed her, or even be seen in public with her, as he felt he would be a more attractive leader to the women of Germany if he remained single.

Sorry to break it to you several decades later, Hitler, but balding guys with dorky mustaches who inject bull cum into themselves are gonna be pretty unattractive all the time, married or not.

 

6. Hitler was a mediocre painter.

bobross

To be fair to Hitler (something no one needs to be, btw), he wasn't terrible at painting - he made some very nice landscapes and did some pretty solid architecture, but everything was markedly plain. But the real knock against his painting skills was that he couldn't paint people.

hitlerpainting

Most of the time, Hitler would just leave people out of the scenes entirely - and the few times he DID include people, they were basically featureless lumps with no definition to them. His painting skills were so mediocre, that he was rejected from the Academy of Fine Arts Vienna TWICE.

 

So the next time you think about Hitler, remember that he was a farting, drug-addled, self-obsessed, scaredy-cat shitty painter who sucked at pranks.