Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
If All 50 US States Were Disney Characters
March 10, 2017
Makes a big deal about customs and etiquette - but will treat you like yesterday's trash if your kind isn't wanted around these parts.
Not only is it cold, but it needs to be kept separated from everyone else.
Prefers living in an arid desert for some reason, and is NOT a fan of outsiders.
Deeply religious but is still looking to screw you.
The top of it is literally on fire most of the time.
Is way higher than the rest of us (both literally and metaphorically).
Rich, old, and relentless in their pursuit of capitalism.
The first, and possibly the most boring.
Seems bright and happy at a glance, but soon you'll uncover its true, swampy nature.
Has a rich history of tradition, honor, and trying to murder people it doesn't like. Also, big on fruits.
BECAUSE OHANA MEANS FAMILY.
Is uncomfortably sexual for something shaped like a feather duster (clearly being kissed by Montana for the state, the fact she's apparently banging a candle for the Disney character).
Has a reputation for being a corrupting force, and has an unusually high number of gun deaths.
Loves racing and has a much grimmer history than you might think.
Despite being flat and bland, people care a lot about its opinion on who's the best every now and then.
Synonymous with Americana (of different eras, though).
Combines the loves of horses and (delicious) birds.
Withstood a hurricane (either actual or "of racist bullshit on the internet") but came out even stronger in the end.
Lives by the sea and is often the subject of stories by a King.
You can't think about it without thinking of delicious crab.
Thinks it's the best and brightest, even though usually it's just the loudest and drunkest.
Two separate parts that will never be together again, and going back, it's always more depressing than you remembered.
Cold, friendly, and always dreaming of warmth.
Overweight, has a history of racism, and strongly identifies with elephants (politically for the state, literally for the Disney character).
The separation of black and white is pretty noticeable (and concerning), and is the first one you think of when hearing the word "arch."
It's really outdoorsy and you constantly forget that it exists.
Pretty cool to look at, pretty boring to spend time around.
Promises to make all your dreams come true, but things usually end up going wrong (but at least there were a lot of impersonations).
If they can't live free, they'd rather die.
While sometimes falling into stereotypes for Italians, the more pressing matter is the recent trouble with an angry whale (Monstro/Chris Christie).
Cool to look at, vaguely dangerous-feeling, and usually associated with aliens (Roswell) or likable bad guys (Breaking Bad).
Wavers between "absurdly rich" to "insanely poor" with little in-between, and is pretty friendly to weird, disease-carrying vermin.
Despite a gruff exterior, it's a solid way to get a great education.
Occasionally trapped in freezing ice-cold weather, but doesn't have any of the cool features of its sibling (Mount Rushmore for the state, ice powers for the Disney character).
Always has the image of being a little down on their luck, a little trashy, and in
desperate need of someone giving them food
Be it bad weather or a magic cauldron, there's a good chance you'll die a pretty terrible death here.
Self-styled weirdo who likes spending time in nature and believes they've found the end of the trail.
Sometimes it's cool and metropolitan, sometimes it's weird and pastoral and basically feels like a waking nightmare.
Super small and totally helpless to make any difference in the world.
Fun at the beach, but there's a tense feeling that violence could break out at any moment.
Has a bunch of heads, and is otherwise not too memorable.
Maker of great music and friendly towards dogs.
Don't mess with them, especially if you're an invading army.
Religious, friendly, and has a mysterious and uncomfortable sexuality that leaves everyone else scratching their heads.
Kindly, trusting, loves the woods, and is just absurdly white.
Helpful in choosing new leaders (since Virginia is home to many of the first presidents) and seems to have secret mystical knowledge of events (since Virginia is also home to CIA HQ).
Always wet and usually jittery (blame it on the coffee).
Great at mining, and yet it doesn't seem like they get to actually keep any of the wealth.
Cheating here by including a TV-only character, but when you think Disney and cheese, how can you NOT think of Monterey Jack?
Beautiful, interesting, and basically abandoned.
Full of liars! Haha but seriously it exists in a strange middle-ground between "actual state" and "territory," much as Pinocchio is not quite human and not quite puppet.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.