Some movie characters are nice, laid-back, relatable people who we root for and hope they fall in love with one another. But SOME movie characters... hoo boy... some movie characters are CRAZY SEX LIKERS. That's right. WOMEN... who like SEX. And TRY TO HAVE IT. These people are dangerous and should be shunned at all costs.
So how do we spot these CRAZY SEX LIKERS (CSLs)? Here are 10 Telltale Signs:
"I'm not wearing any panties right now," she says. HEYYYOOO!! SEX LIKER ALERT! Not wearing panties gives these CSLs quicker access to their genitals, and since they're having so much sex over the course of their lives, that extra couple seconds of not having to rip off their lacey red thongs in a fit of supply-closet passion really adds up over the course of time.
Crazy Sex Likers enjoy sex so much, they'll frequently allude to this fact out loud, usually by saying something like "yeah my wrists are still hurting from those handcuffs...and don't get me started on my jaw." This will cause any male characters in the vicinity to choke in the middle of drinking something, because they are too distracted by the lady's overt love of sex to focus on their boring nonsexual coffee.
Another attribute of your standard movie CSL is their incredible flexibility, as well as their undisguised pride in this flexibility. A guy will be like "I can meet to discuss this business report any time next week, are you flexible?" and she'll be like "Oh believe me... I'm extremely flexible" and wink, and the guy she's talking to will be like "Check please!" even though they're not at a restaurant.
CSLs have other interest besides just sex, but because they love sex so much, it bleeds over into those other interests and causes them to do those activities while naked. This reminds them of sex (which they like, if you'll recall) plus they can talk about this salacious activity in front of their male colleagues and be like "can you even imagine?" and the guys are like "uhhhmm, I'm trying... NO I didn't mean like that!"
If there's one thing that turns on CSLs like nothing else, it's male protagonists in happy normal relationships. Even completely unattractive ones. There's just something about the content happiness of guys committed to sane loving partners that throws CSLs' crazed sex-wanting brains and sex organs into a crazed inferno that only the reluctant passions of the schlubby off-the-market dude can quell.
Also they don't give a SHIT about the guy's significant other, because their mind is too caught up in sex-wanting to have any cells to spare on basic morality. Also she's not interested in any of the attractive available dudes who are constantly interested in her because she's super attractive. (This is all irrelevant. GOTTA have Married Chevy Chase.)
CSLs are spontaneous, but not in the wholesome adorable 'hey loosen up!' way that "proper" female characters are. These ladies are aggressively spontaneous, drastically dropping molly into dudes' drinks and grabbing dudes' phones and telling their girlfriends to "FUCK OFF", then telling the guy to lighten up if he has any problems with it. She's just blowing off some steam. Wanna help her blow off a little more steam, nervous main guy who's SO CLOSE to finally getting the right girl? Uhoh!
Well, really they just like anything any guy does that they can say in a sexual way. "Oooh, you got an Oh Henry bar out of the vending machine? I like a man who knows what he wants when he sees it..." [Guy takes sip of water a couple seconds later, chokes on it]
If the guy they're aggressively throwing themselves at is reluctant, Crazy Sex Likers can support their argument by instantly citing weird sexual facts from around the world. "You know, the Quantatzal Tribe in New Guinea believes that passionate sex with multiple partners is actually the holiest institution... they believe the only thing that pleases their Volcano God are the unbridled orgasmic screaming of the tribe's mistresses..." [Guy squeezes a tube of toothpaste and it squirts all over the place].
CSLs always need to get undressed for some reason, so they choose to do it in front of other guys because they're in a hurry and they're confident and they think society places an unfair stigma on taking off your shirt in person then grabbing your male acquaintance's hands and making him grab your boobs and being like "hey you're a man, can you tell me honestly, do you think I need a breast reduction?? Reee-lax! Women force their male co-workers to grab their boobs ALL THE TIME in the culture of, I dunno, Portugal or whatever."
In the end, Crazy Sex Likers have two possible life paths:
1) They get together with another wacky side-character in the movie. This can be another Crazy Sex Liker, the main character's off-beat best friend, the goofy comic-relief foreign pancake flipper at the corner diner, doesn't matter -- in this outcome, they can have all the crazy sex their unreasonable bodies crave without ruining the lives of any Good Regular Humans (who value sex the correct amount).
2) Their lives are completely ruined and they get fired then splashed by a cab and slip into a mud puddle then splashed by another cab that drives through the mud puddle splashing more mud onto them. Serves that worthless sack o' shit RIGHT for wanting / pursuing her universal biological urges!