These are some tasty tweets.
1. And the odds are a surprising 1/10.
Fact: You're more likely to be killed by a guy wearing a tshirt with a wolf on it than an actual wolf-- Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) January 12, 2017
2. He was born a kid. He will die a kid.
At what point do you stop calling yourself "kid?" pic.twitter.com/9QGn0W7BaE-- Andy Cobb (@AndyCobb) September 7, 2017
3. I'M JUST GONNA EAT THE POWDER RAW.
do you wanna have a few pancakes pussy or do you wanna get fucking real pic.twitter.com/p0qdfKX7gF-- 🐢 (@GucciTurtIe) September 8, 2017
4. I stand corrected.
*At a party*-- Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) June 10, 2017
STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?
ME: No I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
5. So holy.
Retweet If you're not afraid to have Jesus Christ on your timeline pic.twitter.com/mlNh0f30ZX-- noah (@OresBe4Whores) September 7, 2017
6. Sharon, please.
ME: I'll see you in a month-- Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) July 26, 2016
WIFE: Don't forget to write
ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon
7. Is this woman for real?
No sign has ever encapsulated my life more than the one this woman is wearing pic.twitter.com/eWFVita7Dx-- Tim (@Playing_Dad) September 7, 2017
8. Hard to keep track of all the siren cubes and their corresponding affiliations.
Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don't confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.-- Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) May 13, 2014
y'all really ain't shit lmaooo pic.twitter.com/3UCwWY2af8-- ta'e (@elle_mfao) September 7, 2017
10. Yeah, before going to space or entering a bloodstream, you really gotta teach them the basics.
"can we take the magic schoolbus"-- jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 25, 2015
no. today is reading day
"please ms frizz"
u've gone to space but u dont kno how to read
11. Not the worst purchases.
"siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock"-- F•R•I•E•N•B•S (@egg_dog) October 12, 2013
u've bought a potato clock
"no siri the TIME 8 oclock"
u've bought a tomato clock
u bought 100 eggs
12. OH no did he lasso u
Oh my god this guy in this bathroom wearing a cowboy hat just greeted me with a "howdy brother" and I panicked and I said "yee haw"-- wholesomecontentluvr (@InternetUser8) September 8, 2017
I told my girlfriend I wrote her a poem but it was just the theme song to King of Queens. pic.twitter.com/2B1H6n7XtX-- Mike Recine (@mikerecine) August 29, 2017