5. They're, like, really good at pirating shit and have figured out computers enough to not be worried about getting caught


You want to know that someone's a little naughty - especially when it comes to pirating content. They just HAVE every TV show, movie, videogame, etc. ever on their computer, and can pull it up in an instant. Like, me? I'd probably do that if I had any idea what I was doing, but I'd be too concerned the FBI would arrest me and stick me in Guantanamo Bay or, worse, shut off my internet temporarily. Plus, ME not doing it lets me feel like I have some kind of moral superiority, while still taking all the advantages of my partner's criminal content ways. It's always great finding out your partner is into light S&M (Stealing and Movie-Downloading).


6. No roommates


Ohhhh baby, you wanna know how to spice up things in the bedroom? By eating Indian food in there (typically very spicy). You know how NOT to spice things up in the bedroom? By having a roommate who can hear everything that's happening in the bedroom. That's right - roommates are basically the opposite of Indian food.

This is pretty key - no roommates to hog the TV or awkwardly be hanging around when you two wanna make out, no roommates to have to keep quiet around when you two wanna bone on their (equally-comfy to the couch) bed, and no roommates to make a mess in the bathroom. When you go to their place, it's a paradise of petting a great dog, sitting on the best couch, and binging on TV shows, both legal and not.


7. They have an AMAZING bed


Time to go into the bedroom, hop in the bed, and enjoy some hot, sweaty...sleeptime. Then you kick off the covers a little, because UGH that's a little too hot. Still - having an awesome bed is about as sexy as it gets. We're talking king-size, WAY more pillows than necessary, some mix of feathers involved, and maybe even a sleep number that you can adjust yourself. Think of all the sleeping in because the covers are so comfy, all the checking your cell phone for just like FIVE MINUTES before bed, and all the thinking "Where do you even GET this many pillows?" If it's good enough, it'll be just like crippling depression: you'll never wanna get out of bed.


8. Good personality/attractive/kind to others/genuinely nice person/kinky in the bedroom/whatever


Yeah yeah that's all fine whatever let's stream Curb Your Enthusiasm for 3 hours, order Indian food, and fall asleep on your awesome bed with your great dog on our laps while being 2,000 miles away from your parents.