In general, men have less use of thongs - they traditionally don't wear pants that run quite as tight, nor concern themselves as frequently with visible pantyline. But still, men's thongs ARE a thing, and they are just as uncomfortable for men as they are for women - if not worse. They ride up your butt in a way that no one really enjoys, they are the MOST unforgiving type of underwear for those of us with less than perfect figures, and they can cause a number of health issues, like infections and skin tags. Yuck.
Swimsuits are mostly for swimming, but can double as underwear in dire circumstances - like when you forgot to do laundry AND are too lazy to actually do laundry. But it's never a pleasant experience - you feel like a fraud, you're not comfortable, and you (rightfully) feel more ashamed of yourself than usual.
I respect jock straps - they're not particularly comfortable, but they do the exact job they were made for: protecting my balls. They do a shit job at every other aspect of being underwear, but my balls are generally completely safe. Thanks for being the men's equivalent of sports bras, jock straps.
Sure, you thought there might be some feeling of freedom in going commando, but you forgot about one key element - now your dick is rubbin' up against your jeans all day, and that is NOT a pleasant experience. No nice soft cottony fabric - denim. Not only that, but the thin layer that protected your pants from the possibility of a shart is gone - not that you're PLANNING on sharting today, but it's always a possibility (depending on what you've eaten lately). Your dick's feeling bad, you've put yourself in danger of sharting, and you have no one to blame but yourself.
Boxers accomplish one thing and one thing only: provide a layer of fabric between your junk and your pants. That's it - because they offer no support, they're a bit too loose, and they look like a bonus pair of shorts. Plus, they can cause problems - wearing nice suit pants will make your boxer shorts painfully obvious, and they're doubly-worthless for keeping your junk in check if you're wearing shorts. You are really putting yourself in danger of your junk peeking out by wearing boxers, and that's not a risk you really need to take.
Sure, they might be a little too tight and the fabric isn't the most comfortable, but you can go straight from the gym to bed without having to change - and they'll definitely give you plenty of support. Some would say "way too much support, my junk is getting a little squished," but you'll thank me when you're 80 and your balls aren't hanging down to your knees.
Depending on the exact variety, sexy men's underwear can range from "briefs with additional areas exposed" to "goofy thong with a fitted sleeve for your dick" - but the important thing is that anyone wearing sexy underwear is guaranteed to not be wearing it for very long. So even if it IS mildly uncomfortable, you're going to be out of it in no time - either because you're getting lucky, or because you've switched back into normal underwear because your elephant-trunk-styled underwear just made your partner giggle instead of inspire a night of passion.
Yes, they look a little dorky, and they'll a little less aesthetically-forgiving if you've packed on a few pounds, but briefs are classics for a reason - they give your junk plenty of support and are damn efficient in the underwear drawer. They use just the necessary amount of fabric needed to provide a sturdy, wearable pair of underpants.
Reminder that you don't HAVE to do tighty-whiteys. You don't have to look like season 1 Walter White.
This might look a little high, but longjohns are truly wonderful underwear - but they require compromise. They're comfy, they're warm, and they feel great...because you're basically wearing an entire outfit already. And, realistically, they're only wearable in cold winter months - unless you live with someone who likes to run the A/C all night long during the summer, in which case the longjohns can make a surprise summer comeback.
Boxer briefs do everything right - support for your junk, keeps everything contained, offer plenty of upper-thigh coverage, and don't look as dorky as briefs. They are unquestionably the perfect underwear for dudes. If you're offended by this suggestion, I'm sorry that you have such terrible opinions.