1. Linus

    Look, Charlie Brown! We fixed your terrible, sad-looking twig tree and turned it into a REAL Christmas tree!

  2. All the Kids

    Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown! Hark the herald angel-

  3. Charlie Brown


  4. [the kids stop singing]
  5. Peppermint Patty

    W-what? Chuck, we FIXED your tree and-

  6. Charlie Brown

    You fixed my tree? Were NONE of you Funko Pop-shaped dopes paying ANY attention to ANYTHING I've been going through?

  7. Linus

    You wanted to know the true meaning of Christmas, and so I explained it to you and-

  8. Charlie Brown

    No. NO. Hold the goddamn phone right there, you blanket-hugging pube-headed dipshit. You didn't "explain" shit to me - I asked you what Christmas MEANT, and you RECITED A GODDAMN SERMON TO ME.

  9. Linus

    Well, yes, in the Bible-

  10. Charlie Brown

    That's not "explaining" - that's REPEATING THE STORY OF CHRISTMAS. But did you stop and think for one goddamn second what that story MEANS?

  11. Lucy

    Hey you blockhead, you can't talk to him like that!

  12. Charlie Brown

    You zip your goddamn mouth, you egomaniacal QUACK. I may have missed the football but I swear to God I will kick you in the head.

  13. [Lucy backs off]
  14. Charlie Brown

    Anyways, the story of Christmas MEANS SOMETHING that went way over your oversized head, Linus. Jesus was born in a manger, amongst barnyard animals. He didn't look like anything special to anyone - just a poor little baby born to two poor kids who couldn't even find room in an inn. By all accounts, there was nothing special or notable about him, right?

  15. Linus


  16. Charlie Brown

    DOES THAT SOUND AT ALL FAMILIAR TO YOU, YOU MISERABLE BLANKET-FUCKER? Remember when I first got the tree? This tree you all gave me SO MUCH SHIT OVER. It looked unremarkable, right? Nothing special? REMIND YOU OF ANYTHING?

  17. Linus

    Uh, no?

  18. Charlie Brown

     Good fucking grief, you dimwitted FUCK. This was the ONLY authentic tree for sale. EVERY other tree was a glammed up, commercialized, aluminum MONSTROSITY. But the tree was simple and honest and true. The tree WAS special, because it was the only genuine one in the lot. THE TREE IS JESUS IN THIS METAPHOR.

  19. Linus


  20. Charlie Brown

    That's right, "oh." The story of Christmas is about things that may not look like much to folks actually being special, despite their humble appearance. THAT WAS MY TWIG TREE - IT WAS SPECIAL BECAUSE IT WAS AUTHENTIC AND REAL. But you and the rest of these chuckleheads turned this simple, non-commercial tree into a glammed up bastardized version of itself in your misguided attempt to "fix it." You KNOW the story of Jesus, but you missed the entire fucking POINT. Don't judge shit by how it LOOKS on the outside - judge its character. Judge what's on the inside - what ACTUALLY COUNTS. This tree was GREAT, because it was REAL. You fucking SUCK, because you're a phony fair-weather-pagan HYPOCRITE.

  21. Linus

    I'm...I'm sorry, Charlie Brown. I guess I never thought about it like that.

  22. Charlie Brown

    And if you just HAVE to spend your time making something sad-looking into something acceptable by society's standards, why not give Pig Pen a goddamn bath?

  23. [Pig Pen is on the verge of tears]
  24. Pig Pen

    Oh god, I don't have any parents...

  25. Charlie Brown