Let's be honest, buying textbooks is a waste of money. You "have" to purchase them for way too much money, you open them 3 times in a semester (those chapters will be on the midterm you don't study for) and then when you try to sell them, you get five dollars, a chewed piece of gum and a smack in the face.
So don't waste your money on your dumb education when you can spend those college bucks on shit online. Here, let us help you out with these amazing list of stuff to buy instead of textbooks this semester.
If you purchase any items on this list, CollegeHumor may receive a commission.
1. Wine Condoms - $13.97
No more trying to cram the old, half-broken cork into the bottle when you don't finish your bottle (*ahem second bottle*) of wine. Say goodbye to drinking your expired vino that tastes like vinegar and hello to fresh wine while you "study". This is probably the closest thing you'll get to sex since Trevor for bio never called you back.
2. Retro Hot Dog Toaster - $19.00
Honestly, are you going to get anything better in the dining hall then some retro dogs with FRESHLY TOASTED BUNS? Uh, no, you're gonna get penne with slices of cheese thrown on top because the dining hall is garbage. Plus, don't you wanna be known as Stan the Hot Dog Man on your floor? 'Cause right now your nickname is "Stan the kid who pooped in the urinal" and that's pretty embarrassing.
3. Woman with Inhaler Wall Decal - $27.15
Forget the clichéd Jimi Hendrix poster that every college student has in their dorm and go for something a little more provocative. "Senior Woman With Asthma" is sure to put you in an elite artistic circle where people will "oooh" and "ahhh" over your choice in avant garde wall decor. Just remember to keep the pot smoking to a minimum, Bertha have respiratory problems.
4. Shakespearean Insult Bandages - $6.30
Now you don't NEED to go to your English class, you've got all the Shakespeare you'll ever need right here in a little tin box. Honestly, most of Shakespeare is sad white dudes talking to skulls and wishing they could have sex with their mom (yeah we're lookin' at you Hamlet). But these quotes are actually useful in real life and you can dish out the classiest insults using your fresh, gaping wounds.
5. Microwavable Soup Mug - $5.99
Never leave your dorm room again when you go on an all soup diet using this mug. Lose weight drinking broth NON-STOP without having to go to the gym or stop playing Fortnite. With this baby, you can have all the comfort of mom's chicken noodle soup but with a can of Chunky Campbell's and the sweet sound of never leaving your room.
6. Ostrich Pillow - $99
Listen, you've been working hard all semester, and you deserve a break. Right here, right now in the middle of class. But ugh, super uncomfortable right? All your peers are staring at you, your teacher is like "oh hey, please don't sleep in my classroom" it's like HELLO has anyone heard of privacy? Luckily for you, the ostrich pillow blocks out all the annoying hustle and bustle of the outside world so you can nap peacefully wherever the fuck you feel like.
7. D-CLICK Hamburger USB - $11.98
I bet your textbooks won't make your friends say "Hey, wait a minute! That's not a REAL hamburger!". Which is exactly why textbooks are lame and this USB rules. Who wouldn't want to plug a tasty burger into a computer in order to upload all your pictures of other burgers that you keep in a file labeled "Not Edible"?
8. Pounded in the Butt By My Own Butt by Chuck Tingle - $2.99
What can you possible learn from your Theory of Knowledge textbook that would be even remotely as exciting or informative than "Pounded in the Butt By My Own Butt"? This book will make you question the reality of the world as you know it, and it's only 3 bucks. College is like, $20,000 a SEMESTER and will it even ask the Big Questions like "how does one get pounded in the butt by their own butt?". This book is all the schooling you'll ever need.