John reunites with Bob Saget for a manly look at tenderness.
By Dan Gurewitch
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
JOHN STAMOS, boxer-clad, lies on his side in bed, propping
his head up with his hand. He faces camera - which is close
enough that we can't see anyone/anything in bed with him.
John speaks directly to camera in a soft, gentle tone.
During insert shots we hear his dialogue in V.O.
Hi, I'm John Stamos, one of the
most handsome men you can think of
off the top of your head. Being a noted
Lothario, people often ask me for
sex advice - but guys, if you truly
want to win over a woman, the real
key... is the cuddle. So today, I'm
here to show the techniques of my
patented "Stamos Snugglefest."
A SMALL PATENTED LOGO appears next to John's head: "Stamos
Snugglefest (TM)" - with a soft "Ding!," then vanishes.
(Possible freeze-frame.) NOTE: A similar explanatory
title/sound occurs each time a new move is introduced, the
same as the spoken phrase unless otherwise noted.
CU on JOHN'S FACE as he rolls over onto his back, shifting
his weight and adjusting as an UNSEEN PARTNER gets cozy.
You and your lady will probably
want to start with "The Stamos
Soother." She lies next to you, her
head resting on your chest.
WIDE REVEAL: JOHN'S CUDDLE PARTNER IS BOB SAGET, also in
boxers, his head resting on John's chest. Adorable.
Not only will she feel protected,
the "lub dub" of your heart will
reassure her that you're still
alive. From this position, she can
kiss your neck, or caress your epic
chest, while you run your fingers
through her raven hair.
INSERTS: Bob gently kisses John's neck; Bob twirls his
fingers through John's chest hair; John caresses Bob's hair.
Don't be afraid to use your
fingernails - a good "Stamos
Scalper" will leave her relaxed and
CU on Bob's face, PURE PLEASURE, as John's fingers massage
his scalp. CU on John:
Next, you'll want to move into the
WIDE REVEAL: John spooning Bob.
It's a gentle way to show your lady
what she has to look forward to
John gives a slight playful thrust. Bob SMILES.
Traditionally, the man plays the
role of Big Spoon. But folks, it's
2011, and even the most feminine
woman can feel equally at home
spooning her man.
CUT TO: Bob spooning John.
Be careful not to let your arms get
trapped beneath your special gal:
this is worse than death. Instead,
your inside arm can go behind you
or above her head-
JUMP CUTS of John spooning Bob: His inside arm is trapped
uncomfortably beneath Bob's body; he lies with his inside
arm splayed out behind him; he lies with his inside arm
above (rather than under) her head.
-while your outside arm is free to
rest on her firm yet tender belly,
hold her fragile hand, gently cup
her perky breast, or... well, the
rest is up to you.
INSERTS of John's hand resting on Bob's belly, holding Bob's
hand, gently cupping Bob's pec/nipple, and then SLOWLY
MAKING ITS WAY LOWER. As it nears Bob's groin, CUT AWAY.
Advanced cuddlers may want to try
the "Stamos Swaddler."
WIDE of John and Bob, lying FACING EACH OTHER, arms wrapped
around arms, legs wrapped around legs.
Nothing brings you closer to your
lady, and if you sleep with your
eyes open, the Stamos Way-
[title: "Stamos Shark Sleep"]
-you get to stare at her face all
night. You can also caress her leg
with your foot, or allow your toes
to intertwine, doing an
affectionate little Charleston.
INSERT CUs of John's foot running up and down Bob's bare
leg; John and Bob's toes intermingling, caressing and
wrapping around one another.
Feel free to improvise: you can
nuzzle noses, butterfly kiss, blow
on or even gently nibble her ear.
INSERTS: Bob and John nuzzle noses; they blink their
eyelashes against each other's. John blows against, then
gently nibbles upon Bob's earlobe.
Perhaps the most important cuddle
move is the "Stamos S-Touching Her
With Your Fingers," lightly running
the tips or backs of your fingers
along her tender curves.
John's fingertips and backs-of-fingernails run slowly across
Bob's body (within reason, of course), tracing his
shape, just lightly touching him: along his neck, his back,
dangerously up his INNER THIGHS; elsewhere as he continues:
You're like a cartographer of the
flesh: your exploring fingers are
Lewis and that other guy, it's not
important, mapping the peaks and
valleys of her body's soft terrain,
traversing her every womanly
crevasse and claiming it for your
John's fingers travel.
BACK to John, lying alongside Bob:
With the right mix of affection and
tenderness, my Snugglefest
guarantees that your woman will
Stamos Cozy. [pronounced i.e. "stay
most cozy."] I guarantee it.
John is SUDDENLY STARTLED/HORRIFIED, RECOILING, somehow just
now noticing who he's been cuddling with:
Bob?! WHAT THE FUCK?!
ABRUPT CUT TO BLACK. END.