The safest thing you can do is not listen to him.
By Brian Murphy & Owen Parsons
THE GANG works at their desks. The FIRE ALARM sounds.
General frustration from the workers. PAT stands up.
Great, fire drill!
WORKERS gather at the door. Fire Marshal GERRY, a
retired New York firefighter with a mustache, waits for them
holding a clipboard. The alarm stops.
Scoot closer, bring it in. Bring
it in. Good morning! I am your building's fire
Enough jokes. This is a fire
drill, I'm here to inform you about
proper fire safety procedure in this
Crowd is bored.
I want to commend you on assembling
quickly and efficiently. Great
start. Fires are scared of large
groups of people.
Confused looks from the crowd.
Now when you're evacuating during a
fire, the first thing you're gonna
want to do is file out quickly in
an orderly line.
Nods from the crowd.
But you need to fight that
instinct. This is fire, people.
You will die if you stay calm.
A.B.S. Always. Be. Sprinting.
Anyone who slows down gets
General concern from the crowd.
If you get an opportunity to hop
the rail and fall the length of the
stairwell, I suggest you take it.
Boom. Ya just movin' faster. Fire
can't fall. Advantage, you.
OWEN raises his hand.
Questions at the end.
INT. OFFICE - DOOR WAY
Gerry leans in front of a door while the workers watch.
You're gonna wanna check all doors
before opening them. Hold the back
of your hand to the knob. Hotter
it is, safer it is to open. THe
knob is absorbing most of the
heat, so that's less fire that can
burn you. And if a piece of your
clothing catches on fire, what do
Gerry points to PAT.
Stop, drop, and roll.
Stop, drop, and wait. Last thing
we need is a bunch of people rollin'
around on fire. That's dangerous.
INT. OFFICE - DESK AREA
Gerry hops up on a desk.
Leading cause of death during a
Gerry points to EMILY.
Wrong. Fire is the leading cause
of death. Smoke cannot kill you,
it is a gas. Fire is way hotter.
Literally as hot as fire.
INT. OFFICE - KITCHEN
Gerry addresses everyone.
If you see a fire but do not hear
an alarm, do not tell anyone. It
will scare your co-workers. Go
back to your desk and work
quietly. 3 out of 10 fires just go
out for no reason. Any questions?
Owen raises his hand again.
Questions at the end.
INT. OFFICE - ELEVATOR LOBBY
Gerry is in front of the elevator buttons.
During a fire, the elevator is-
Gerry points to JOSH.
(knows he's wrong)
A safe place.
Wrong. (Beat) The safest place.
21 years on the job I have never
seen a fire use an elevator. Fires
can't call elevators; they don't
INT. OFFICE - FIRE PHONE AREA
Gerry shows off the fire warden phone.
This line goes directly to the
building fire marshal, that's me.
In the event of a fire, do not use
this phone. This is your fire,
don't drag me into this. I don't
like fires. I'm scared of fires.
INT. OFFICE - ORIGINAL FIRE DRILL LOCATION
Gerry is back at the original drill location.
...and that wraps up our talk for
today. Moving on, I've set several
practice fires throughout the
office to simulate an actual fire.
Owen raises his hand.
What's the difference between a
practice fire and a real fire?
Fire bursts through the door and sets Gerry on fire.
Go time, people! I'm just gonna
wait this one out! Everyone else,
trample your way to the elevator!
He lays down on the ground. Slam wide to reveal everyone
else has run away. Gerry slowly burns on the ground.
Really do not like fire.