Things get death-ier as our terrifying 5-part series continues.
By Owen Parsons
TITLE CARD: LAST TIME ON HARDLY WORKING...
Last time, on Hardly Working.
-Adam shakes Murph awake
It's free bagel day!
-Pat is electrocuted horribly by the toaster.
-Quick dramatic close-ups of cast as Murph talks.
Death is coming for all of us.
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - BEHIND THE WRITER POD - DAY
Owen & Kev's Couch Chill-out Zone has been converted into a
bunker. DAN, EMILY, MARINA, JOSH, OWEN & MURPH wear helmets
& other safety equipment. Emily peers out with binoculars.
Here he comes.
KEVIN runs through the office screaming, wearing safety pads
& a football helmet, carrying a shopping bag. He slides
across Adam's old desk and lands in the middle of the group.
Hey guys, I'm back from the store.
I got life jackets for everyone.
He hands them out to the group. Marina runs down a LIST OF
DEADLY FINAL DESTINATION SCENARIOS and crosses off "Flood."
Awesome. Fuck you, Death.
Well done, Kev. Anything try to
kill you out there?
A big bird tried to fly in my mouth
and choke me, but it got stuck in
my face mask.
Told you that'd come in handy.
You know what, Murph? I've had
enough of your psychic bullshit.
It's your fault we're in this mess.
Yeah, I hate and fear your
Others all murmur agreement.
I was just trying to help!
He runs off crying. Beat.
Oh, Marina, I got the headphones
He hands Marina a knot of white earbuds.
Yes! I've been making an ultimate
survival playlist on my iPod.
Nice. Do you have any Survivor?
I Will Survive?
Theme song from CBS's Survivor?
What is- I've never heard of that.
(struggling with headphones)
Ugh, these are so tangled.
Across the office, Murph sniffles and gets a psychic flash.
Oh god. GUYS! I JUST HAD A VISION!
Cut back to Marina. She's totally tangled up in headphone
You want some help?
Pff. If I can't untangle a bunch of
headphones, I might as well kill
She pulls hard on the headphones. A loop tightens around her
neck and start to choke her. She struggles for breath.
(panicking/trying to help)
Holy shit! / Help her! / I can't,
they're too tangled!
Murph dives in with a knife and slices the headphones off
her neck. Marina gasps.
Ha! Who needs who, now? Who saved
the day now?
(pointing with knife)
Not you! Not you! Murph's the hero!
I just saved Marina's life!
When he gestures to Marina, without looking, he stabs her
right in the neck. She dies messily. Cast screams.
Oh wow. To be fair, I did save her
first, so this just balances out.
You friggin nutjob!
Emily throws Kevin's helmet at Murph. Murph ducks.
The helmet continues and knocks over a bottle of hot sauce.
The following rube goldberg shots intercut with the cast
members watching in terror. Tense music builds.
-The hot sauce rolls across a desk, falling off the table-
-landing on one end of a skateboard, flipping it up-
-launching a sneaker into the air-
-it knocks a basketball off a nearby desk-
-the basketball bounces around the corner towards dev and
out of sight. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief-
-the basketball returns from around the corner near
production, everyone gasps again. It bounces ominously...
-then slowly comes to a stop in the middle of the floor.
Everyone looks confused.
Stupid anticlimactic basketball.
I'll show you.
Kevin eagerly walks out to go get it, only to step on the
skateboard from before. He slips and falls backward onto an
upright umbrella. Cast reacts in horror. The umbrella sticks
straight up, piercing Kevin's sternum. After a beat, it
opens, flecking the cast with blood.
TO BE CONTINUED.