Boldly go where only the filthy rich can go.
By Josh Ruben
RICHARD BRANSON pulls up to a bustling SPACEPORT AMERICA -
Virgin Galactic's launch site - in a ridiculous sports car.
Hello! I'm Richard Branson, British
billionaire owner of Virgin
Airlines! And I'm proud to announce
the debut of Virgin Galactic! For
just $200,000, unbuckle yourself
from our all Italian-leather chairs
and enjoy zero gravity and
outerworldly views in your very own
custom-made spacesuit, designed by
in-flight tailor, John Varvatos!
As he says the above, Branson ushers a CHUBBY RICH COUPLE
through security as they board Virgin's ultra-lux
LauncherOne which fires SpaceShipTwo through space.
JOHN VARVATOS tries really hard to measure a FAT RICH GUY's
sizes in zero gravity. His tailoring SCISSORS float away and
rip a hole in someone else's suit.
For $1,000,000 you can enjoy
unlimited Glennfiddich cocktails
and an exclusive one-on-one
performance by the opera alien from
"The Fifth Element"!
Branson sips whiskey and puts his arm around the OPERA ALIEN
as she sings a weird aria inches from his face. His eardrums
EXPLODE. He winks to camera.
Upset Neil Armstrong died? No
worries! I've cloned him! And for
$20,000,000, we'll give you
unlimited access to Sector Neil,
our VIP facility FULL of Neil
Armstrongs! Play dodgeball with
thousands of the first men to walk
on the moon!
Richard in a GIGANTIC STEEL ROOM FULL of NEIL ARMSTRONGS.
They throw thousands of dodgeballs at him.
Enjoy foreign films? For
$50,000,000, watch as many as you
want! WHILE RIDING AN ASTEROID!
Several PASSENGERS struggle to hang onto a fiery ASTEROID as
a SUBTITLED MOVIE plays on a free-standing projector screen.
The asteroid crashes into Jupiter, forever scarring it.
You know that rock formation that
looks like a face? Let's piss on
MARS. Branson moon walks to the famous phenomenon and takes
a piss on it.
Worried about STDs? For
$100,000,000, we'll travel 400
light years into the future where
everyone looks great and no one has
STDS! Have an orgy! Babies are
CUT TO: Hundreds of upper class RICH PEOPLE having an ORGY.
A NAKED WOMAN pops out a BABY that is instantly arrested by
a SPACE COP.
Ever wonder how it would feel to
put your dick inside a black hole?
Well, now you don't have to! We'll
stop by one and just do it! We're
in space, dammit!
**ALT: (makes me laugh)**
Ever heard of the Space Time
Continnuum? Let's put our dick in
Richard and some PASSENGERS stick their dicks in a BLACK
HOLE. Branson gets SUCKED THROUGH A WORMHOLE and lands on:
THE ROOF OF SPACEPORT AMERICA - EARTH - SUNDOWN
I've had some incredible adventures
in my lifetime and space is going
to be the greatest one of all. I
hope you'll join me.
ZOOM OUT to OUTER SPACE - reveal the BORG SHIP, DEATH STAR,
GALACTICA, ships from STARGATE, SPACEBALLS, ALIEN, MARS
ATTACKS and more. They ready their weapons.
They OPEN FIRE on Earth. EPIC EXPLOSION!