Hook Up Hierarchy

Hook ups can range from something to do on a Saturday night to life altering greatness. Here is the hook up hierarchy, Level 1 being the highest.

Level 5: Hooking Up With An Ex
You got a case of the ex, sent a text, and shit went down, specifically you. Your friends harp on you for sticking a finger in an open wound, but at least you got some sweet action. You decided you are strong enough to hook up without getting attached. But now you are wondering if things will go back to the way they were. Oh shit, stop pining. Stop staring into the distance. No I don’t want to hear about how they were the one.

Level 4: Hooking Up With An Outlier
You go to a bar, hitting on standard selections. Typical conversations emerge: What do you study? What do you do? Do you like this song? Shots? Want to get out of here? But then you notice someone with braces. Or gray hair. Perhaps they are over 6”3 o or under 5”3. Either way, this person deviates from the norm. In a world of homogeneous hook ups, you will take the road less traveled, the territory less pillaged. Middle aged, borderline illegal, pick your poison, this person has an attribute that makes them a physical or intellectual outlier. They are the human equivalent to an elective, material you will never use again and selected for reasons of convenience, novelty and easiness.  They add much needed variety to your sexual portfolio. You may or may not be a better person afterwards, but gosh damn it at least you did it.

Level 3: Hooking Up With a Hottie
You land a solid 9 or 10. All your friends agree they are physical perfection. Words like “wow” and “niiice” are elicited upon viewing them.  This hot piece of ass makes up for all the people that doubted or rejected you. They may be your plateau, your hot person Mt. Everest. All you need to do is enjoy the view and not puke.

Level 2: Hooking Up With Someone You Like
This person made you better. They are the higher education of hook ups. They required persistence, sleepless nights, and more planning and preparing than any other hook up in your life. They had extremely high entrance standards and made you doubt your capabilities. For the first time, failure became possible and probable. Not hooking up with them would be devastating.  Conquering them would be liberating.
You started to actively change when you met them. You went to the gym, you read the newspaper, you pretended to care about PETA and Jonathan Safran Foer books,  you showered, curbed your vulgarity and increased your vocabulary all to impress them. They made you school girl giddy and the rest of the world seemed insignificant. Then the stars aligned, inebriation levels were in place, and the hook up happened. It was beautiful and you are in a bubble for days.

Level 1: Hooking Up With A Legend
Hooking up with someone you like is epic, but only to you. Hooking up with someone who everyone worships, because they are famous, rich, insanely good looking, athletic, campus god or… yeah, that’s about it, is the highest honour of hook ups.  People begin to brag about knowing you and consider giving you a plaque to commemorate your epic conquest. High fives, free alcoholic beverages, and feet kissing commemorate when word gets out you’ve been all up in that. Out of respect for the sanctity of your sexual awesomeness no one asks for details. They simply appreciate that their fantasies have become your reality. You are a deity. Even if you become president or win a Nobel prize or have a long and happy life, this hookup will still be one of your greatest achievements. You single handedly obliterated “out of my league” mindsets, proving that opportunities happen to those who are determined.  You are the walking definition of possibility.  Bask in the glory, you are a legend amongst humans.