You're out with your girls, and you're having a great time.
Now, lets be honest, what's a night out if there aren't at least 55-90 new pictures of you and the same three girls, posing like you've just been asked to recreate a Spice Girls poster from 1997?
Any excuse to make a new facebook photo album with a catchy line from a top 40 song.
(Insert your name here) has been tagged in <33ThE PaRtY DoNt StArT TiLl I WaLk In<33.
You know those albums, I can feel you nodding at your screen.
The girls get together, screaming, spilling drinks with sour mix in them, and announcing how much they love "their bitchez", and then it happens. The two girls in the middle tuck their arms behind the girls next to them so that they're completely hidden from view. And the other girls, oh the other girls, they bust out "The Sassy Arm Triangle of Insecurity". The hand is on the hip, the elbow is at a 90 degree angle, and it looks like the girl is either airing out her arm pits, ripe from dancing to all that Ke$ha, or trying her best to dislocate her shoulder.
I noticed this move a couple of years back, and initially I was like "Damn that girl is sassy as shit, she must listen to a lot of Beyonce, or love the way mannequin's look in clothes." So, whatever, I asked around, and what I found out was not only startling, but also borderline retarded."
Me: "What the hell is going on with your arm in this picture?"
Girl: "Oh, all girls do that so that their arm wont look fat in pictures."
Some girls will also say "It's like, what Snooki does!" I don't have time to get into that right now though.
Ok, so now that you've either had a good cry, or dumped your girlfriend because you realize she does this, let's break down the term Sassy Arm Triangle of Insecurity.
Here we go.
A girl screams " PICTURRRREEEE"
The girl using TSATI (the T is silent, this is pronounced Sah-Tee) poses with her hand on her hip, and her elbow at an angle between 45 and 90 degrees (varies depending on how much insecurity is present)
The arm and side of the torso create a triangle
A sassy look is given, one that screams, "I'm sexy! I think."
What is supposed to be her sassy look turns out being a fear of arm fat.
So that's it ladies, the charade is over, everyone knows why you pose this way in pictures now. That being said, here are some bullet points I've come up with regarding TSATI. Take heed, you'll be a better person in the end by doing so.
- Becoming a contortionist will not increase or decrease the size of your arm. If your arm is fat, it's just fat.
- I have a head the size of three infants glued together, so you know what I DON'T do? Draw attention to it. You will never see me place my head as close to the camera as I can, or bedazzle it to downplay how big it is. That being said, jutting your arm out in pictures like it is your siamese twin with a cleft lip doesn't help anything. It's not a slick move, it'd probably be more incognito to color your arm in with a highlighter, or point to it with your free hand.
- When I think about women with hands on hips, I think about angry mom's giving lectures, like "I wouldn't be mad about the 45 on your math test if I knew you gave it your all and that was the best you could do!" (sadly, at times, that really was the best I could do.) Is that the image you're going for?
- If you claim the hand on hip look is just mirroring the poses of various female celebrities, I'm here to help. Just because you went out to McFadden's for your girls 22nd birthday, and all wore heels at the same time, that doesn't mean that you have magically obtained wealth, social status, or super powers. You are not a celebrity, and in all likelihood, you will not retire to your mansion at the end of the night. if you're lucky, you'll make out with someone in the back of a cab, have some pizza, fall asleep with one high heel on, and wake up with a slice of pepperoni stuck to your face. Bottom line: Just take a normal fucking picture.
So there it is, ladies. I called you out, but it was for your own good. If you've read this and want to help tackle this issue, you can send me money at www.mattisthemanandmakesvalidpoints.com.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been feeling a little self conscious about the size of my penis, it's time to find my speedo and a digital camera.