The 8 People You Meet During Freshman Orientation

1. The Jaded Genius


You know this school you worked so hard to get into? It was this girl’s safety school. And she’s pissed to be here. In fact, she’s still wearing her Princeton sweatshirt she bought in March just so you know that she knows that she’s better than you. That’s how sure she was that she was going to get in. She will try and transfer as soon as possible, and god help her if she has to stay in this sh*thole longer than a semester.

2. That Douchebag From Your High School

Unless you are going to college in one of the former Yugoslav republics, there will be at least one assh*le from your high school who has never talked to you. Now that he is out of his natural environment of your hometown where he is friends with other douchebags, he will cling to you and pretend you have always been good friends. He will drop you as soon as someone that isn’t you talks to him.

3. The Foreign Kid

This guy is from some Asian country, and you really aren’t sure which. He is dressed very nicely because his parents incorrectly assumed Americans have respect for higher education. He also has thick glasses and a cell phone way cooler than anything they sell in America. In a couple of weeks, he will be the kid ruining the curve on your computer science midterm.

She’s in college, and she’s ready to be valedictorian. You’ll notice that she’s armed with a notebook and several types of gel pens and seems to be taking notes as if there will be an orientation exam. This becomes more apparent when she raises her hand and asks the orientation leader if there will be an exam. In four years, she’ll be the one in tears when she only gets magna cum-laude.

This guy is swaying a little bit, because even though last night was his first night in town, he got really drunk at his brother’s frat. He’s already nicknamed “Rooster- and the dicks that the frat brothers drew dicks on his face are still half-visible. For the next two years, this kid will have built in friends and crazy parties but then will become a detached loser once they all graduate.

6. The School Spiriter

This girl has decided to live out the next four years in baggy sweatpants and sweatshirts shamelessly emblazoned with your school’s logo. She has not only the football and basketball schedules memorized, but also the fencing, women’s rugby, and shuffleboard ones as well. The foreign kid’s parents would be shocked that not only do people wear this to universities, but that people wear this kind of clothing in any social situation.

7. The Tourist

Your RA said to meet on the lawn outside your dorm, and he showed up ten minutes late out of breath. He has a crinkled campus map in his pocket at all time, and you’ll notice it’s heavily highlighted, as are the tags on his shirts to make sure he wears them the right way. Even when he becomes a senior, he will still struggle to find the library or his chemistry class.

8. The RA in Training

This girl is the de facto assistant RA, even though no one asked her to be. During trust falls, she claps for way too long after each one and knows everyone’s name within five minutes of the first floor meeting. She is the only person that you feel worse for than the actual RA.