The Staff on Sarah

Here, buried 3 links deep into our Sarah goodbye posts, are actual reflections and thoughts about our friend, written with as little cynicism and sarcasm as we could muster.

Streeter: At some point in early 2006, there was a massive snowstorm in New York City. Sarah and I made plans to meet at the office and go out to meet friends from there. Being a relatively young Internet company, ping pong was a central part of our work day at that point – we even had a ranking website that still exists – and Sarah and I were very competitive with each other. So we decided to play. Then we played another game. Then we grabbed some beers and played some more. And some more. And more beers and more ping pong. And soon we were both extremely drunk, on our 50th game, and essentially stuck in the office, neither of us willing to concede defeat. So we stayed up till well past 4 in the morning drinking and laughing and desperately trying to outmatch each other. I don’t remember who won, I don’t even remember when we decided to call it a night, but I knew I had a lifelong friend in Sar after that night. How many single girls in their early twenties will sacrifice a Saturday night to get drunk, play ping pong, and talk shit with a profusely sweating, stumble-drunk co-worker? The answer, of course, is only Sarah; the funniest, funnest person you could ever hope to have the pleasure of calling your friend.

Pat: Writing and performing with Sarah for the last four years has been an awesome experience, and I mean awesome in the “cool” sense, not the lame, “meaningful in the long run but agonizing at the time” sense, like a World War II battle or art museums. She’s funny, smart, silly, talented, and an as-yet-uncreated adjective that combines “nice dresser” with “doesn’t mind shit jokes.” If Dorothy Parker and Dolly Parton accidentally stepped into the chamber from The Fly, Sarah Schneider is what would step out. (She’d still eventually devolve into a slimy puddle like Jeff Goldblum. Sorry, Sarah. That’s what you get for playing God.) That she is probably the only girl (or guy, really) I know amused by images like that is another reason I’ll miss her. To be honest, I have no idea how we’ll fill the gap she’ll be leaving here at CollegeHumor. I’m of course talking about where her desk used to be. Maybe a pinball machine?

Ricky: Do youÂremember when Conan ended his Tonight Show gigÂwith the following piece of advice for hisÂyoung viewers “work hard, be kind, and you’ll succeed?” When I heard him say that, I thought of Sarah. Anybody who’s met her will tell you she’s kind. And I don’t need to spend any time talking about how talented she is, because you can see that from her work.ÂThe less apparent quality, unless you are lucky enough to have her as an employee, is her work ethic. Her sterling, nearly unparalleled work ethic.Â

Sarah and I went to college together. We knew of each other, but were a coupleÂofÂgrades apartÂso did not actually ever get to know one another. When she graduated, she came to meet with me,Âand I could see that she had a lot of comedy potential. I hired her for aÂshortÂgig to help write our first book. When that ended, she went to work somewhere else, but told me that she wanted to come back whenever something opened up. A few months later, I was talking to her and mentioned that we had an openingÂin our ad sales department. I didn’t even think that would interest her, but she said “I’ll take it.” She knew she wanted to be back at CH and didn’t mind taking a job that wasn’t her ideal role.Â

After a couple years of that, we also became fast friends.ÂI was hoping something would work out.ÂAs luck would have it,Âa writer job opened up—with a salary lower than what she was already making. Tough sell. I mentioned it to her, again thinking that she wouldn’t be interested. And once again, she said “I’ll take it.” She knew what her passion was, and she wasn’t going to let anything stand in the way. From there, she acted in and wrote some of the best stuff CollegeHumor has ever seen. And now she moves on to the nextÂof many adventures. Saturday Night Live is very lucky to have her. And, as was the case with me, they are only aware ofÂsomeÂof the reasons why Sarah is a wonderful employee, teammate, and talent to have. Conan was right: Sarah proves that if you’re talented, work hard, and are nice to people, you will succeed.ÂSarah, I’ll miss the daily doses of your charm, your wit, your making fun of me to my face, and you. Keep kicking ass.

Kevin:
I wish you would step back from that job, Sarah
You could flip the bird at all the Lornes that you’ve been hired by
But if you want to work with Tom Hanks again
I would understand, I would understand

Three camping trips, a bit too insane
Icing over a Lapidus cake
For the Lost finale

You’re secret Santa
You’re (THREE SYLLABLE INSIDE JOKE GOES HERE)
You’re the _______ on _______
This parody is going wrong

Well everyone I know has got a reason
You should work at SNL

My earliest memory of Sarah is of shooting the Avril Lavigne “Girlfriend” parody together when I was still an intern. I was playing her boyfriend. I had to put my arm around her in one scene, and I was nervous because I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. Four years later that sounds ridiculous. It feels like we’ve been through war together. We’ve worked at two offices. We made a TV show. We’ve shared Christmas parties, intern appreciation nights parties, hottest college girl parties. We went to a water park. We wrote a successful Black Eyed Peas parody. We’ve sat through countless brainstorm meetings. I once murdered her in a Hardly Working, which is a special bond that not many people share. After all that, I would be offended if we did not hug upon her departure.

Have fun at SNL, Sarah. You’ve earned it. I hope you have as good a time hanging out with Tom Hanks and Justin Timberlake as we’ve had hanging out with you. Who knows? Maybe you’ll create the next Garth.

Jake: Sarah and I shamelessly love Third Eye Blind. We’ve been to a bunch of their concerts, we own every CD, we’ve been pulled over for speeding in Virginia entirely because we were blasting “God of Wine” and not paying attention to anything other than how hard we could pound the beat on the dashboard. At every company party someone inevitably plays “Semi Charmed Life” and I have always been able to count on Sarah to be as drunk as I am, and as willing to scream the lyrics at the top of her lungs. I’m not saying I’ll miss yelling THE SKY WAS ROSE IT WAS ROSE IT WAS GOLD I WAS TAKING SIPS OF IT THROUGH MY NOSE while jumping around in a circle with Sarah and a bunch of people we love. I’m just saying I’ll always remember it. And it’s gonna still happen.

David: I can’t be more direct than this: Sarah is one of my best friends. She’s one of the most passionate, hilarious, honest and downright awesome people I’ve ever met. Writing a script with Sarah is one of my most favorite things in the world. Obviously she’s hilarious and the script ALWAYS ends up perfect (like ALWAYS), but more importantly, “Writing a script” is just a fancy way of saying “Hanging out.” It’s what procrastination should be. Those are the moments that I’ll really miss. Of course, I’m always excited with the script we write, but it’s the other 80% of the time that I really cherish. Now putting that mushy stuff aside for a moment, I couldn’t be more excited for Sarah’s move to SNL. She’s going to kick ass there and I can’t wait for her to take all of us with her. The coolest news of all is that SNL has promised her they will air the 15 episodes of Full Benefits during the season. (Note: The last sentence has not been confirmed by anyone).

Sarah, I’m going to miss you immensely. You are such an important person in my life. As a co-worker, I’m sad to see you go, but as a friend, I could not be more proud of you. As Jewish people often say, “Oh vey, it’s freezing in here.” and “Mazel Tov.”

Josh: After our live shows, fans line up outside for hugs and autographs. Jake and Amir’s horde of loyals swarm them for pics and autographs and “sheesh ya’lls”. Street for Phantom and his just being awesome, and the same, pretty much, for the rest of us. But when Sarah surfaces, there’s a buzz in the air. To her fans, Sarah is royalty. The guys love her because she’s the ultimate girlfriend – she’s got the looks, the sense of humor, can drink you under the table. Girls love her because she is an idol. She is cool and funny and fearless and has poise.

Sarah, you are generous and talented and a great friend – we will miss you!

Amir: There’s a saying in comedy, “It pays to be nice, but it really pays to be funny.” And while I made that up right now, it is very true of Sarah. Sarah’s not only the most likable writer in our office (on and off camera) she’s also one of the funniest. ÂWe all knew it was only a matter of time before somebody stole her away from us, but I’m so honored and proud that Saturday Night Live is going to be her new home.ÂSarah is a huge SNL fan but I know it won’t take long for that show to respect her as much as she respects it.

It’s a perfect fit, and as much as I’ll miss working with her, I know she’ll find us, her CollegeHumor coworkers, to be more influential and probably funnier than those “real comedy writers” she’s going to be working with now. I mean, where do they get off calling themselves “real comedy writers??” Just because we write for the Internet, does that mean our comedy isn’t REAL? Man, forget Sarah and her high-class comedy snob “friends.” Unless… do you think they can get me a job? Hey Sarah, if you’re reading this, please email me. It’s Amir! We used to work together!!! WE USED TO BE FRIENDS!!!!

Ben: After thinking long and hard, I couldn’t come up with a description of Sarah more apt or concise than my first, visceral instinct: Sarah Schneider kicks ass.Â

She kicks ass as a writer. She’s funny, hardworking, and inclusive. She holds her comedy to an incredibly high standard and inspires others to do the same. She’s constantly pushing herself to find the unexpected and the original. Her feedback is always forthright, professional, and objective.ÂWhen she tells you she likes something, you know it’s good.Â

She kicks ass as a friend. A Sarah Schneider-planned adventure will be the one that you want to commemorate with an entire Facebook album. (Or, better yet, with no photographic evidence at all.) She’ll talk it out with you over a beer and she’ll lead the entire room in a rendition of Third Eye Blind’s “Semi-Charmed Kind Of Life.” She’s warm and compassionate and won’t hesitate to tell you the just man the fuck up already.Â

Sarah kicks ass in all these ways and a hundred more I don’t have room to list here. And she will be missed.Â

Rosie: Sarah was the first person I ever officially met at CH. I remember because she was super pumped to move into the new office and had also just gotten a fresh new set of shiny business cards to give away. I asked for one of her cards, then proceeded to carry it in my wallet for years. I’m not exactly sure why I did that. I’d say partially because I’m a bit of a pack rat, but even after I cleaned it out, I kept the card stowed safely away in my filing cabinet.Â

I feel like now’s a good time to recruit it back into the depths of the wallet, right next to my unused gym membership. That way every time I think working out or working hard is pointless I’ll have something and someone to inspire me. As long as you take each day as it comes, are good at what you do and stay nauseatingly friendly to complete strangers, good things will happen.Â

See you next time I’m forced to organize my wallet, Sarah Schneider: Media Planner.

Jeff: Though this is no longer the situation, there was a great deal of time where Sarah was the only female presence in the CollegeHumor office. If she was ever intimidated or nervous about it in the slightest, she never let it show.ÂOver the years there were more than a few, “Meet the Girl At CollegeHumor!” articles written about Sarah and I always thought that was weird. Even though her sewing kit saved hundreds of my shirt buttons over the years I never thought of her as “the girl,” and not just because she could be more vulgar than anyone else in the office (includingÂthe ad sales team). To me, Sarah was just an endlessly talented writer full of both her own ideas and insightful suggestions for everyone else. She’s also one of my best friends.ÂI already miss seeing Sarah every day, and have still not figured out how me or my shirts are going to go on without her.

Dan: Sarah was the first person I met at CollegeHumor, and it was one of the fastest friendships I’ve ever made. We were instantly making each other laugh, and it’s pretty much stayed like that for the five years I’ve known her. She’s always placed others and the group above herself – as a writer, and as a friend – and so she’s a big reason that as CH grew, we developed into not a loose bunch of random co-workers, but a family. One time we were writing a script together, and she scribbled on an index card: “Dan and Sarah = SCRIPTICAL MAGIC and other kinds of magic too like REAL MAGIC.” It’s just a silly note but I keep it around, because it has such a sense of fun and collaboration and positive energy – just like her. Godspeed, Sareeee! You’re a big part of this thing and I’ll miss you. At least until I go see Planet of the Apes with you tomorrow night.

Murph: When I heard that Sarah was guest-writing for SNL, I knew it was only a matter of time before they hired her full-time. If I were a comedy Monstar, I would imbue a magic microphone with her talent and use it to enslave Bugs Bunny and the rest of the Tune Squad. She’s one of the funniest people I’ve ever had the pleasure to work with and her departure will leave a void in the CollegeHumor family. Future writers have some seriously big shoes to fill, and not just because she wears size 18 orthopedic shoes. Sarah, I congratulate you on all your success even as you abandon me for fame and fortune. I know you’re going to “hit it out of the park” and have a real “home run” of a career! Derek Jeter! Â

Caldwell: Here is a short list of things Sarah is better than me at doing:
1. Making Jokes.
2. Having Fun.
3. Making Sure Other People Are Having Fun.
4. Wearing Makeup.

As this list proves, Sarah isn’t just an amazing comedian, she’s an amazing person; and I’ll never be able to thank her enough for all she’s done for me. Sharing an office with her might have been a blessing, but sharing a microphone with her during drunken karaoke freestyle battles at Intern Night was a goddamned honor. From now on, every time I look at our over-sized novelty wall calendars, I’ll remember how awesome you are, and how awesome we all can be.