8 Things the Internet Ruined

The Internet is amazing! It gave us the ability to get food delivered without having to talk to another human being on the phone. Also, a bunch of other stuff. But all progress comes with a price. These are the things we’ve lost to this new, technologically advanced future world we live in.

This is the first entry, and this article is already taking me way too long to write. I don’t have writer’s block. I have the Internet. I keep getting sidetracked by things that aren’t my work. I checked Tumblr. I saw that one of my friends made a new video. I watched it. I opened Pandora. I learned that the guy from the band Radical Face is in another band called Electric President. I looked Electric President up on Youtube. I checked Twitter. Then I checked Twitter again. Then I refreshed my Twitter feed one more time for good measure. All that since writing the title on a notepad file.

Here’s a fun experiment: Next time you have an assignment, write the first draft on paper, away from your computer. When you’re finished, be amazed at how much faster you worked. Then you’ll have the rest of the night to browse Youporn and read disparate Wikipedia articles.

Most of the laughably bad videos on Youtube would be great if they were part of a 9th grade English presentation. “Friday” by Rebecca Black is a terrible chart-topping pop single. On the other hand, it’s the best Bat Mitzvah video in the world. I’m sure Rebecca Black’s friends and family think it’s amazing. You think it sucks? No shit. A 13-year-old girl made it. You think it sucks because you’re viewing it out of context. You’re comparing it to every great song that exists. That’s not fair to Rebecca Black, who I’m sure would agree that “Friday” is not the best song of all time.

Youtube gave the world an audience, which is great for people with incredible talent. It’s terrible for the rest of us. You can’t upload a video to Youtube without being judged against everyone in the world. I’m good at guitar compared to most of the people I know in real life. I’m terrible at guitar compared to a 12-year-old Korean kid on Youtube. I know that. If I uploaded a video of myself, everyone would tell me I was garbage, because that 12-year-old kid is on the same website. You’re either the best or the worst on the Internet. There’s no in-between.

The other consequence of this, is that it’s discouraging to see how much better small children are than you. If I can’t compete with a 12-year-old, why bother?

Internet memes are great because anyone can join in on the fun. Internet memes are terrible because everyone joins in on the fun, but never stops. The Internet doesn’t beat dead horses. It pounds the ground where a horse decomposed with its fists, even though there are no horse parts left to punch. The Internet can’t get hold of a joke without destroying it.

I can’t see the number 9000 anymore without thinking of Vegeta from Dragonball Z. It’s not because I think that meme is funny. It’s because every time there’s a number over 9000 online, some stupid 15-year-old that I want to punch in the stupid face has to make that joke in the comments. That joke started in 2006. It’s been 2012 for weeks now and it still happens. That’s six years. Jokes aren’t funny for six years. Chappelle’s Show was still on in 2006. Can you imagine how annoying it would be if people were still yelling “I’m Rick James, Bitch!” Welcome to the Internet.

Don’t look someone up on Facebook before a first date. I know, it’s tempting. You can read a lot about them on Facebook. You can learn their favorite quotes and their siblings names, but that doesn’t help you get to know them better. By reading about their hobbies and interests, you’re actually making it harder. You’re stealing away your ability to make small talk. Small talk is boring, but it’s an icebreaker. It leads to more interesting conversations. The more you know about someone, the more likely it is that you’ll end up with an exciting conversation like this over a romantic candlelit dinner:
“So. What’s your favorite movie?”
“Dumb and Dumber. Yours is Titanic, I know.”
“Oh. OK. Well, what’s your favorite band?”
“AC/DC. I’ve already read all the bands you like so you don’t have to tell me.”
“Great. I’d ask you about the weather, but I assume you’ve already read about that on the Internet.”

Good thing you’ve got the Internet. You’re going to need porn when you get home from that hypothetical date.