"We shall hold the athletic contest every 4 years, for that is the amount of time it will take people to care about swimming again!"

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) July 27, 2012

I'm horribly self-conscious about my whiteness and will say literally anything to distract people from it, YA DIG?

— Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) July 16, 2012

the dark knight rises was real bad. why was batman a wooly mammoth? why couldnt bane get that acorn? so many questions unanswered

— Andrew Bridgman (@AndyBridgman) July 22, 2012

"Bane there, done that." – Bane, making people roll their eyes at parties before he kills them for being rich

— Will Stephen (@will_stephen) July 26, 2012

A flake from someone's dreadlocks fell into my coffee. It better taste terrible, or I'm going to have one complicated order tomorrow morning

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) July 21, 2012

We all pretty much assume when a spambot takes over a friend's account its cause they looked at some unspeakable shit, right?

— jaredneumark (@jaredneumark) July 17, 2012

History will remember the Girl Power Movement as having made fleeting strides for females.

— Julie Shain (@julieshain) July 25, 2012

The Mayor of London looks like Gary Busey and Donald Trump got together and had a Dad.

— Jesse Eisemann (@eisemann) July 26, 2012

Is "Big Love" that show about the hand covering that swings both ways or is that "Bi Glove"?

— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) July 19, 2012

I think my perfect boyfriend is probably made out of stuffed crust pizzas.

— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) July 23, 2012

Anyone who says you can't run from your problems didn't grow up in the Sahara.

— Ben Kling (@benkling) March 22, 2012

One #dog to another: "I just met you and this is crazy, but here's my butthole, sniff it maybe?"

— Hesley Harps (@HesleyHarps) July 9, 2012