"The Paul Ryan Workout Plan" by Will Stephen

Word on the street is that Mitt Romney's new right-hand man has the rock-hard abs to match those rock-hard family values. With reports of his 6 to 8 percent body fat, daily P90X sessions, and much sought-after shirtless photos, Rep. Paul Ryan has quickly emerged as the hunky conservative dreamboat this country may be clamoring for.

And with a few simple, daily exercises, you can be too.

Real American Stretching

- To get started, stretch only the muscles that you will be using in that day's workout. If you stretch the lazy muscles – the ones that simply sit there and take advantage of the others' hard work – then you are wasting valuable resources and hindering the growth of your body as a whole. This is America. Don't forget it.

Pinko Playlist Selection

- Grab your iPod and pick out your favorite pump-up tunes – ideally written and performed by artists whose political and moral philosophies are diametrically opposed to yours. Feel free to chuckle to yourself, resting easy in the knowledge that Rage will be always be steamrolled and swallowed whole by the Machine.

Kick Out the Gays

- Any gays nearby? Well hold your horses! They may be nice folks for all you know, but nope just get 'em out. Now you should be warmed up and ready to go.

Fifty Blue-Eyed Blinks

– Start out with your most important muscle group – those magic Midwestern peepers. Look at yourself in the mirror with a blank smile and blink those baby blues fifty times fast. Try not to fall in love with yourself, you sly little fox, you.

Five Hundred Push-Ups

– Time to get that red American blood pumping. Whenever you get tired or consider taking a break, think of how many fetuses are killed every day in this country and ask yourself if they would take that break. Or if their blood is pumping. No. The answer is no. Now keep it up!

DREAM Sprints

– Imagine that a young Mexican immigrant who has just enrolled in college to ultimately support his family and earn an honest and decent living is 100m away from the starting line. Go.

Balance the Pudge-t

– Self-explanatory.

Atlas Shrugs

– Walk around the gym and take as many weights from other people as you can. Now shrug repeatedly for two minutes. Reassure everyone that this benefits the gym as a whole. Meanwhile, ignore the shrill cries of the poor.