I wonder if a homeless person has ever inadvertently been first on line for a new iPhone

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) September 26, 2012

There are lots of reasons I'll never be on SNL but the most embarrassing is that I'd be too uncomfortable during the end credits hugging

— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) September 24, 2012

"Then Goldilocks went in the third recording booth and that producer had the volume in the headphones juuust right." – Jay Z bedtime stories

— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) September 19, 2012

I'm sure something horrible happened in Syria today, but I saw the headline "5 Users Complaints about iPhone 5" and my heart stopped

— Saj Pothiawala (@sajpo) September 27, 2012

I hate going to Buddhist bagel stores. Sometimes I'll ask for an everything and get nothing, or worse, a plain.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) September 26, 2012

Made all the pee bubbles in the toilet look exactly like Pangea but no Scott Pilgrim-esque achievement appeared? What gives

— Jesse Eisemann (@eisemann) September 23, 2012

The Utah Jazz are loved by fans of basketball and massive, glaring oxymorons.

— Adam Conover(@adamconover) September 25, 2012

Website idea – papayapal. Electronically send and receive papayas with your friends.

— Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) September 20, 2012

"Well how about this, everybody: FUCK YOU TOO" -Gluten

— Dan Gurewitch (@DanGurewitch) September 17, 2012

Gonna start a real-life Team Rocket where we just go around stealing copies of Pokémon from GameStop all day who wants in

— H. Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) September 26, 2012

"I'm becoming a better writer!" My brain thought. "WE FELL IN LOVE IN A BOB HOPELESS PLACE" it thought immediately after. Back to square one

— Tom Philip (@tommphilip) September 19, 2012

You'll all be eating your words after the big earthquake next week that makes Apple Maps 100% accurate.

— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) September 25, 2012

Every time you eat arugula, you are stealing from a rabbit.

— jaredneumark (@jaredneumark) August 7, 2012

#NFL w/ replacement refs is like #BreakingBad if Bryan Cranston was replaced by Frankie Muniz—still entertaining but for the wrong reasons.

— Hesley Harps (@HesleyHarps) September 25, 2012

Million-dollar album idea: "NOW That's What I Call Songs That Don't Remind You Of Your Ex-Girlfriend."

— Patrick Cassels (@patrick_cassels) September 26, 2012

"This girl is fiiiiiiiiine" = compliment. "This girl is fine." = insult.

— Mike Trapp (@MikeWTrapp) September 27, 2012

Whoever wrote "microwave for 3 seconds" directions on the Pop-Tart box has never eaten a pop-tart, seen a microwave, or felt temperature.

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) September 26, 2012