With the first presidential debate just a day away, how have the candidates been gearing up?

Obama

-Deflection drills (jobless rates, Guantanamo, Iran, corporate bailouts, continued existence of problems in general)

-Bush-blaming speed rounds.

-Working "folks" into every sentence, including those spoken only to Michelle.

-Forcing Secretary of Housing and Urban Development to do nothing but stalk Mitt Romney with a tape recorder until further notice.

-Reading up on Libya's Wikipedia page.

-In attempt to boost economy, ordering dessert.

-Subtle "Mormons are weird" implication exercises.

-Working on his Windsor knots.

-Asking what Biden would say; saying the opposite.

-Resisting urge to curse when unemployment numbers are said aloud.

-Golf.

-Fundraiser with Jay-Z and Beyonce.

-Clubbing with Jay-Z and Beyonce.

-Fundraiser because it's Tuesday.

-Really talking up the other guy.

Romney

-Ten daily expressions of human emotion, minimum.

-Memorizing flow chart of all opinions going back ten years.

-Explaining said flow chart without calling the GOP base a mindless horde that must be deceived for its own fucking good.

-Working "Reagan" into every sentence, including those spoken only to Ann.

-Calling Rick Perry to make sure this argument about balancing the budget is mathematically sound.

-Debating illiterate manservants to boost confidence.

-Casually tossing around a few ideas for a central campaign message.

-Subtle "black people are dangerous" implication exercises.

-Explaining difference of opinion on Massachusetts health care law versus Obamacare (while keeping ninety-minute debate timeframe in mind).

-Growing a beard. Do swing voters like beards?

-Giving all his maids the evening off so they can host viewing parties. Except Consuela; she knows what she did.

-Maybe a little pre-debate intercourse.

-Practicing Spanish accent in case immigration comes up.

-Becoming familiar with adjectives that aren't "splendid."

-Becoming familiar with voters who aren't corporations.

-Really talking up the other guy.